If you are experiencing these feelings and frustrations, you are not alone. I have talked with so many people who are struggling. If you take a casual stroll through social media you will see many sarcastic memes articulating these frustrations. 

One such meme depicts a little girl sitting with her mom. The little girl asked: “Mom, am I adopted?” Mom: “Honey, I just put the advertisement out yesterday.” 

Ouch!  We are struggling. Our normal coping methods don’t seem to be working. What can we do? My last blog post focused on developing healthy relationships at home. This week, we turn our attention to what is going on inside us.

We Need to Create Space for Ourselves

Creating space for ourselves is easier said than done. But it is vital to help us cope and deal with our inner struggles. Here are a variety of ideas for you to think about. Try the ones that seem to fit you and your schedule.

Prepare your Heart for the Day

Being stuck at home during this pandemic can feel like “Groundhog Day.” “Here we go again.”  Our joy has been robbed. To help me prepare for the day, I take a few minutes each day to read, reflect, journal, and pray through Philippians 4:4-9:

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice! Let everyone see your gentleness. The Lord is near!  Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things. And what you learned and received and heard and saw in me, do these things. And the God of peace will be with you.

I let these words penetrate my heart and call me to action. I find that they center me.  This passage reminds me to be gentle to others. I think through and write out ways I can be gentle today. When I am feeling anxious, I remind myself that God is near and I can bring my struggles to him. I examine my thinking and ask myself, “What am I thinking about? Am I focusing on things that are true, respectful, just, pure, etc.?”

Taking a few minutes to start the day in God’s word, prayer, and/or journaling can help calm our heart and steer us in a healthy direction.

Fill Your Tank

We need to accept that our schedules are not going to be what they used to be.  We need to readjust our schedule and make sure we include times throughout the week to fill our tanks. We need to find space to go for a walk, run, work out, take a nap, draw, paint, do a craft, organize the garage, fill in the blank. Winston Churchill suggested that to find refreshment we need to do something that is the opposite of what we normally do.

My normal has changed. What I used to do for refreshment was to go to the gym — currently not an option. So I changed my workout routine. Honestly, not as fun but still refreshing. I love photography and working with my photos on the computer. However, since COVID-19, I am spending 12 hours a day on a screen in meetings or counseling; so the idea of getting back on my computer is not as appealing. I am experimenting with new ways to express my creativity. Take some time this week to think through what you can do for yourself to fill your tank.

Learn How to Go to the “Top of the Stadium” to Get Perspective

If you have ever been to a college football game, you might remember what happens at halftime – the band comes on the field. Imagine if you went to a college game for the first time and you wandered onto the field at halftime. As you walked around the field you would have no idea what was happening. People would be marching right toward you with instruments blaring and just when you think they are going walk all over you, they turn and start to march away only to have them turn and come at you again. You have no idea what is going on. What they’re doing makes no sense!

However, if you were to find your way to the top of the stadium, you would have a different perspective.  You would see the band marching with amazing precision, making intricate designs as they boldly play their instruments.

When the frustrations inside us build, we feel like we are on the field. We aren’t sure where these emotions are coming from or where they will take us. We need to learn to press pause and go to the top of the stadium to get some perspective. We need to ask ourselves:  What am I feeling? What is this about? In order for us to get perspective, we need to get a clear picture of what is happening. Then we can respond.  Our tendency is to be reactive, like we are on the field with the marching band. The next time you feel the tension building, I encourage you to use this word picture.  Take a moment to pause and go to the top of the stadium to help you get perspective before you respond.

Make Peace with Your Past

Our past experiences can cloud our vision. Maybe we grew up with parents who were harsh and judgmental, so we react to any form of criticism. Or maybe our parents weren’t around much or were dismissive, so we feel hurt when someone might legitimately want some space to sort out their thoughts. The examples are endless, but I know you want this blog post to end soon, so I will sum up. When you are consistently feeling overwhelmed or your emotions are disproportionate to the situation, you may not have made peace with your past. Your emotions from your past may still be haunting you. You need to ask yourself, “How much of this experience is about what is going on inside of me versus what the other person is doing?” Everyone is impacted by their past. Sometimes we might need help sorting it out.

These are unusual times, and our past ways of dealing with challenges may not be working. I encourage you to try some of these ideas out. If you are still struggling, don’t be afraid to reach out to a friend, a pastor or counselor. We are not meant to go through life alone.

The post Coping with COVID-19: Dealing with Internal Struggles appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

As I have been talking with people during this crisis I have found that these mounting pressures tend to trigger our personal struggles. We tend to fall back into unhealthy coping patterns like disengaging from others or over engaging by relentlessly crossing personal boundaries. Frustrations are building.

What can we do to have healthier responses and build a better functioning home life?

First you need to understand, you don’t have to be perfect to be a good father, mother, roommate or child. Some of the ideas I am going to share with you, you won’t be perfect at. You will need to repair when you blow it. (We will talk more about that in a bit.)

Safety – Emotional and Physical

Being stuck at home is hard on everyone. The way we engage others will determine how safe the environment is. If there is a lot of yelling, screaming, physical altercations, or even lack of engagement people don’t feel safe. We need to pay attention to our tone. Our tone goes a long way in creating a place where people feel safe.

(If you are struggling with your tone you will need to take time for self-reflection to help you understand what is going on inside of you so you can make sense of your own narrative. I will say more about this next week.)

Helping people feel seen and heard will help people feel safe.

Seen & Heard

When we are all cooped up in the same home and no one really notices you or interacts with you, it leaves you feeling like you don’t matter. No one cares. Yes, it is possible for you to live with a group of people and feel isolated, alone or abandoned.  We need to engage others. We need to notice what others are doing and ask them how they are feeling. This is true for everyone, but especially true for you parents out there.

Side note to parents: Developmentally our kids don’t have the same capacities to comprehend what COVID-19 is and why we have to stay at home. Many of our kids feel bored and don’t know how to cope with all this extra time. That is why many of them will act out — and it is driving us crazy! Trying to develop a basic schedule for this COVID season will help bring some normalcy to your life.  It is critical that you pay attention to their emotions and help them process them.

A healthy way to engage others (adults or children) is what I call the avenue of communication: “A.V.E.”

Acknowledge:

When we are talking to others we need to seek to understand them by acknowledging what they are saying. You can do that by using the skill of reflective listening – putting in your own words what you heard the other person say.

Validate:

Then it is important to validate their emotions. It might go like: “When I said _____, it made you feel _____.” Or: “You’re feeling really bored because ______.”  People often don’t feel heard until you understand how they feel.

Explore:

This is a point in the conversation for you to ask questions to clarify what they are feeling or help them think through the issue. Your tone will be critical. We aren’t trying to interrogate, rather, we are trying to understand. You could ask questions like: “What did you mean by_____?”  “Interesting, how did you come to that conclusion?”  “Have you considered…?”  Again, the goal is understanding the other person.

Comfort by Connecting

When we are dealing with a crisis we need to expect people won’t always respond well. We need to learn to comfort others by “connecting before you correct/clarify.” When someone is upset or angry we need to remember there is usually pain driving the anger.  For many of us, our tendency is to correct first and then maybe try to smooth things over. When we first seek to comfort by connecting (see AVE), people tend to feel heard and we can deescalate tense moments. When people are struggling they need to be seen and heard before they can make a change.

Consistent

Being consistent in our responses by acknowledging, validating, exploring and comforting — instead of reacting — is going to create a healthy environment.

Repair

We are going to blow it. The floor of our bandwidth has been raised. We are going to fail. That doesn’t mean you are a total failure. It means you’re human!  When we fail we need to repair. Eph. 4:32 states, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

We need to own our mistakes and ask for forgiveness. We need to acknowledge how we have hurt the other person.  We need to accept the consequences and alter our behavior. I will often employ the “AVE” of communication in this conversation.

When we work at repairing, it communicates that we care. It helps us create a safe and healthy environment.

Take some time today to reflect on your interactions at home. Which of these areas do you need to work on?  How can you become more effective at acknowledging, validating, and exploring with others? As you grow in these skills your relationships will flourish even in the midst of this COVID season.

The post Coping with COVID-19: Developing Healthy Relationships at Home appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Overprotecting:

Most parents love their children. They hate seeing their child in pain, so they do whatever they can to protect them. Unfortunately we can’t escape pain. We don’t do our children any favors when we try to keep them from experiencing ALL pain. We need to help our children learn how to deal with the harsh realities of life. Certainly we want to try to protect them from destructive pain, but how much pain is too much?

You might be thinking, “Is it really that bad if we are overprotective and solve our kids’ problems?” Overprotecting and solving all our kids’ problems has negative consequences in the future. One of the chief complaints from business leaders regarding this new generation, commonly called “Millennials,” is they can’t take constructive feedback.  Millennials have been known to not only pout, but also quit when they hear constructive criticism.

Many universities are at a loss about how to deal with this generation of students. Peter Gray, Ph.D. recently wrote an article “Declining Student Resilience: A Serious Problem for Colleges.”  He has done extensive research with institutions across America and here are a few of his conclusions:

• Students are afraid to fail; they do not take risks; they need to be certain about things. For many of them, failure is seen as catastrophic and unacceptable. External measures of success are more important than learning and autonomous development.
• Faculty members, individually and as a group, are conflicted about how much “handholding” they should be doing.

Dan Jones, past president of the Association for University and College Counseling Center Directors states,

Students haven’t developed skills in how to soothe themselves, because their parents have solved all their problems and removed the obstacles. They don’t seem to have as much grit as previous generations.

The universities and the marketplace are watching our children struggle with everyday problems and are at a loss on what to do. What are we to do?

Equipping our children for life’s challenges:

God has called us as parents to train up our children.  We are to prepare them to deal with life’s challenges. This doesn’t mean we don’t care and support our children.  No, it means we are to equip them. Here are some quick thoughts that will help you train up your children.

– Our role as parents is to help our kids explore, discover and develop skills. We want to encourage them to try new things.

– Give them the freedom to fail. We need to teach our kids that “failure needs to be our mentor, not our tormentor.” Failure is a part of life. We need to teach them to grieve failure or loss and learn from the experience.

– Our kids need both truth and grace in their lives.

• Truth:  Sometimes as parents we idealize our kids and act like they can’t do anything wrong.  We jump to their defense when we need to allow them to experience the consequences of their choices. When we excuse or minimize improper behavior we are teaching them to be self-centered, entitled, dishonest and irresponsible.
• Grace:  We need to distinguish between acceptance and approval. God accepts as we are, but he doesn’t always approve of all our actions. Sometimes when our kids make mistakes or act inappropriately we can respond harshly.  Our kids can feel like they can never measure up.  Grace always needs to accompany truth.
• When we discipline, the goal is learning, not making them pay for what they did. Consequences need to fit the crime. If we feel ourselves flooded with anger, take some time to cool off before you address the issue. Think through what might best help them learn.
• I have found it best to sympathize with their feelings, redirect attitudes, and discipline behavior.

– Give them the resources they need to develop and grow. Don’t become a helicopter parent — a parent that is always hovering and over-involved in your child’s life. Don’t be a stage parent – someone whose focus is making your child a star. This is an indication that your child’s success is more about you than about them.

– We need to recognize what stage of development our kids are in and treat them accordingly. Becky and I have developed “Four Stages of Parenting” that corresponds to child development: Caregiver, Manager, Coach and Consultant. If we are still “Managing” our high school or college age sons and daughters, we are going to run into major conflicts with our teens and we won’t prepare them to deal with life. I encourage you to read Becky’s blog post “Four Stages of Parenting” for more details.

Here are a few questions to think about:

-How are you helping your kids explore and develop new skills?

-Is failure a mentor or tormentor in your family?  How can you help them learn from failure?

-We need to balance grace and truth with our kids. Which do you tend to lean towards? What can you do to balance your interactions?

The post The Consequences of Overprotecting — Ideas for Training Up Our Kids appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

What kind of glimpse does the world see? I turn on the news and I see stories about the church. These stores are filled with bitterness, judgment, harshness, arrogance, anything but the love and beauty of Christ. It is easy for us as Christians to dismiss these stories as media bias. Attacking Christians seems to be in vogue. While there is beauty and love being shared in the Christian community, my research for my dissertation describes a much bleaker picture than we want to admit.

I found that conflicts, gossip, lies, and power struggles abound in our churches. Surveys show that over 50% of pastors leave the ministry for good within five years after graduating from seminary. The conflicts are so bad that 80% of pastors’ wives wished their husband had chosen a different profession. My heart grieves as I listen to pastors and their wives share their stories of conflict and pain. What kind of glimpse are we giving to the world?

God has called us to be engaged in this world.  We are to be blessing to people. J.I. Packer puts it this way:

Actualized powers of expressing, celebrating, displaying and so communicating Christ in one way or another, either by word or deed… from heaven Christ uses Christians as his mouth, his hands, his feet, even his smile; it is through us, his people, that he speaks and acts, meets, loves and saves here and now in this world.

When people encounter us, do they see God’s love? When people encounter a community of believers do they encounter the beauty and grace of God?  As Christ’s ambassadors we are called to give the world a glimpse of heaven.

I want to encourage us to not stand on the sidelines and judge others or the church; rather, each of us needs to ask ourselves:

• Am I engaged and interacting with the world as Christ’s ambassador?
• Am I living a lifestyle above reproach?
• Am I an expression of God’s grace?
• Does the world see the joy of Christ in my life?
• How can I be a blessing to my family, friends, neighbors or co-workers today?

As Christ’s ambassadors, we are Christ’s hands and feet. We have the opportunity to give people a glimpse of heaven by the way we live and treat others. May we live in such away that those around us are compelled to explore the Christian faith.

The post A Glimpse of Heaven appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Robin Hood was trying to set an environment where people were free to share their burdens and find peace and safety. Isn’t that something we all want? Being able to share our sorrows not only releases our burdens, it empowers us to feel like we aren’t alone.  We have someone who will enter our pain.

God has designed us to be in community.  This inner desire for connections draws us to people. But the fear of being hurt puts us on guard. When we share areas that are vulnerable, we can be easily crushed.

Intellectually, we know about the medical benefits of sharing our troubles, but fear holds us back.  We feel stuck. Will people really understand our pain? Will they judge me? Will they dismiss my pain and quote a Bible verse?

Until we boldly confront the fears we want to avoid, those fears will control our lives. Being able to share our pain is vital to recovery. The cautionary tale from the Sherwood Forest is finding someone who is safe.  When we share with the wrong person we are crushed. Who is safe? How do we become safe people? Here are some qualities of a safe person:

They listen.  (James 1:19)

• That doesn’t mean just being quiet when someone is talking.
• It is being engaged, asking questions. (See my post on The Art of Listening for details.)

They are humble.  (Philippians 2:3-4)

• We need to recognize we are all broken and are in need of a Savior.
• A safe person is self-aware. They don’t think of themselves as having it all together.  They are aware of their own weaknesses and thus willing to serve. (See my post on Self-Awareness)

They express heartfelt compassion.  (Colossians 3:12)

• They reflect back both the content of your words and the emotions behind them.

They are willing to give gentle honest feedback.  (2 Timothy 2:25)

• We don’t need people just agreeing with us. We need people who will listen and gently ask questions that help us think through issues.
• We don’t need someone lecturing at us.
• It is not about making a point; it is about making a difference.

They are there through the pain.  (Romans 12:15)

• Sometimes we feel inadequate to help others.  We are afraid of saying the wrong thing. One of the most loving things we can do for others is being there — sitting with them, giving them a shoulder to cry on, a hug.

We all long for a Sherwood Forest experience.  However, there are many dangers in the forest. Not everyone is a Robin Hood. We need to choose wisely before we share our pain.

I encourage you to examine the five characteristics above.  Do they describe you? Are there areas you need to work on? God has called his church to be this type of community. Too often we fall short. We are all in process. Let’s strive to be the type of community who welcomes those in pain.

If you are in pain, choose wisely who you share with. Please feel free to contact us at Restore and Rebuild.  We would love to walk with you through your journey.

The post Safety in the Sherwood Forest: A Cautionary Tale appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

In every relationship there will be conflict. How we deal with the conflict will determine the level of health and intimacy.  Taking responsibility for our mistakes and forgiving others is critical. But it is not as easy as it sounds.

Much to my surprise, he rejected my apology.

I was stunned. Why the rejection? He told me he didn’t think the apology was sincere because I hadn’t specifically asked, “Will you forgive me?”

At that moment I thought, “What? I said I was sorry. I recognized how I hurt him. I admitted specifically to my mistake. I talked about how I am committed to doing things differently.” I was waiting for him to say, “I forgive you.”  But he wouldn’t forgive me until I asked, so I asked forgiveness.

That exchange always baffled me until I read “The Five Languages of Apology,” by Gary Chapman.  In his book he discusses the idea that different people need to hear different things in an apology to feel like it is genuine. He categorizes them as follows: expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, repentance, and requesting forgiveness.

This was an epiphany for me. I wasn’t speaking his language. He needed to hear a request for forgiveness. The goal in any apology is reconciliation.  Sometimes we don’t achieve it because we aren’t speaking the other person’s language.

How God Forgives

This got me thinking: How does God deal with forgiveness?

• God forgives. 1 John 1:9 reads, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins…”
• God makes the first move toward us in forgiving. He doesn’t wait until we are sorry. Romans 5:8 reads, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
• God wants us to forgive others just as He has forgiven us. Colossians 3:13 reads, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
• God continually forgives. Matthew 18:21-22 says, “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'”

God understands that confession and forgiveness are the lifeblood of a relationship.  Without these actions we can never experience the unity and closeness we desire. The reality is we are all broken and we will say and do things that hurt each other.  That is why God models the power of mercy and forgiveness.

Ken Sande, in his book “The Peacemaker,” provides some insights on how we can become more effective at confession and forgiveness.

Seven A’s of Confession

1. Address everyone involved in the conflict. (All those whom you affected)
2. Avoid if, but, and maybe. (Do not try to excuse your wrongs)
3. Admit specifically. (Both attitudes and actions)
4. Acknowledge the hurt. (Express sorrow for hurting someone)
5. Accept the consequences.
6. Alter your behavior. (Change your attitudes and actions)
7. Ask for forgiveness.

The Four Promises of Forgiveness

1. I will not dwell on this incident.
2. I will not bring this incident up and use it against you.
3. I will not talk to others about the incident.
4. I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.

So often when we think about experiencing forgiveness and healing in our relationships we focus on the one who is confessing. But if the one who is supposed to be forgiving is always bring up the incident and talking to others it will create a wedge in the relationship.  The person who is confessing will feel like, “That didn’t do any good. I’m just going to keep things to myself.”  Both parties have a responsibility in the forgiving and healing process.

Things to Think About:

• How has God forgiven you?
• Look at the Seven A’s of Confession and Four Promises of Forgiveness. What is easiest for you and what is hardest? Why?
• How might this help your relationships?

The post Keys to Forgiveness appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Marriage is one of God’s laboratories in which he brings two uniquely different people together to become one.  Intimacy and unity is the end goal of this sanctifying process.  But too often we let our uniqueness get in the way of our oneness.  We focus just on our own needs and not on the needs of our spouse or our relationship.

Paul addresses this issue in Ephesians 5:21-33.  In Ephesians 4, Paul begins his discussion on unity. In chapters 5 and 6 he describes how we can live out this unity in our relationships.  We are implored to walk in love.  If we are going to be filled with the Spirit, we need to submit one to another. (5:21) Tragically, too many translations make verses 21 and 22 part of separate paragraphs, thus breaking up the concept of submitting one to another. However, in the Greek text the word “submit” is not in verse 22. It is implied from verse 21. The two verses are linked.  Paul is describing how we submit one to another.

The word “submit” is like a cultural heresy. There is a misunderstanding of this term.  Some Christian men have used it as a club to lord it over their wives. Unfortunately, they don’t continue to read the passage. The context is unity, walking in love and being filled with the Spirit.

Submission is the willingness to give up your agenda for the betterment of the other person and the relationship. (Phil. 2:3.4) Paul encourages women to respect their husbands out of reverence toward Christ. Men are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Jesus didn’t lord it over us, he demonstrated his love for us by sacrificing for us.

I have heard people say that the Bible never says that wives are to love their husbands, just respect them.  I guess they missed Titus 2:4.  1 Peter 3:7 calls men to respect their wives.  We need to love and respect each other if we are going to cultivate spiritual intimacy in our marriages.

God brings two uniquely different people together to strengthen one another. The focus isn’t on who’s in charge, the focus is on developing unity and intimacy by loving and respecting each other.

Each couple is unique. Here are few ideas on how you can cultivate a Christ-centered relationship.  Don’t try to do them all at once.  If this is new, start with one and go from there.

• God’s word needs to be part of your everyday life.
• Ask one another about what God is teaching each other.
• Regular times of prayer.
• As you encounter life’s challenges, look to the word and pray together. Don’t let these disciplines be an afterthought. Let them guide your decisions.
• Find a mentor couple.
• Join a small group.
• Go to church together.
• Read a book together.
• Go for a walk and share how you see God in nature.
• Talk about ways you can invest in each other’s spiritual life.

The post Cultivating Spiritual Intimacy in Marriage appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

She was terrified. She was kicking and screaming, “He’s going to kill me!”  I tried to calmly reassure her and slowly and gently carry her, but she was in full panic mode.  She was hooked to four lines and had no chance of falling.  However, in her mind she thought she was hanging by a thread 75 feet above the ground, and could fall at any moment. Moving across an x-rope is hard enough.  Moving across an x-rope while carrying a person who is fighting every move you make is exhausting! It seemed like an eternity before we got to the platform.  Even on the safety of the platform, it took a lot of comforting to calm her down.

Don’t we do the same thing with God?  A crisis comes up, and we go into full panic mode.  When we lose our job we panic: “How am I going to pay the bills?  Am I going to have to move? How will this impact the family?  I feel like such a failure.  How am I going to find a job in this economy?”  When a loved one dies, we feel lost without them, and wonder how we are going to carry on. When a relationship ends, we are devastated. We don’t know how to move forward.  When conflicts arise at home or work, we go into a shell or become defensive and lash out.

We forget Psalms 46:1, which tells us, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in the time of trouble.” God is watching over us. He’s got us.

As I look back on my life, there have been times I have acted like I was dangling from a thread. I have been in full panic mode. I have lashed out and let fear control me. I have hurt those I loved. Meanwhile, God was right there, bringing me to safety.

How do we miss God presence?  Our focus is on the wrong place. That day on the high ropes course, if the girl would have listened and trusted me, she could have seen the help I was providing. But her fear took over.

Likewise, when a crisis hits our lives, we panic.  We may cry out to God for help, but we don’t listen. Do we really believe God is our refuge and strength?  Do we truly believe he is present?

I confess that even as a pastor there have been times I have intellectually espoused these propositional truths but struggled to live them out. Our Christian faith is not merely an intellectual exercise. God allows these crises to enter our lives so we can more deeply participate in his drama of redemption. God wants us to stop fighting him and trust him.

That doesn’t mean that we go into denial and pretend everything is okay. Our fear and pain are real.  God doesn’t deny that, nor should we.  We need to follow the Psalmist’s example and openly bring our pain and fear to God. Jesus encourages us to come him when we are burdened and he will give us rest (Matt. 11:28).

As the Apostle Paul writes in Roman 8:31, “If God is for us who can be against us?”  But like the girl on the x-rope, we often focus on the fear rather than on the one who saves. Are you currently crippled by fear? Bring it to the one who can handle your fear and pain. God’s got you.

The post God’s Got You! appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Every spiritual journey takes us to the hardest realities in our lives, the monsters within us, our shadows and strongholds, our willful flesh, our inner demons.  It is essential that we understand the enemies within us or we will inevitably project them outward on to other people.”  – Peter Scazzero in The Emotionally Healthy Church

We all have blind spots. Our lack of self-awareness can cause us to offend, run over and alienate people we love. They react to what we say and we have no clue why.  We get defensive, and the battle is on.  Both parties are wounded and emotional walls go up and we are left wondering, “What just happened?”

Self-awareness helps us understand and manage our emotions. It gives us a greater capacity for social awareness and empathy.  It is a critical building block for enhancing our relationships. Today we are going to take a brief look at what it is and how we can develop our own self-awareness.

Self-awareness is that ability to know what we are thinking, feeling, wanting, doing, and what triggers strong emotional reactions.  It sounds easy, but it’s not.  With the hectic pace of life we are frequently unaware of what is going on inside.  Like the tide, the demands of life keep coming and we don’t take the time to reflect. We remain clueless.

We are warned in Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”  In order to guard your heart, you need to know it.  Our emotions provide a window to peer into our soul. In some Christian circles, emotions are ignored. Emotions are too messy.  They can get us in trouble. “Just give me the facts. Emotions aren’t to be trusted.”

Here is a little exercise.  What do you think these words are describing?

Compassion, anger, deep distress, amazed, indignant, love, hunger, troubled, overwhelmed with sorrow.  Have a guess?

They are the emotions of Jesus as described in the book of Mark.  If our Savior expressed emotions, then clearly emotions are an essential part of the human experience. The more we are aware of our own emotions, the more skilled we will be at reading the emotions of others.  This awareness can lead us to empathetic responses and create closer relationships.

If you want to develop greater self-awareness, here are few things to consider:

Humility

It starts with humility. We are reminded in Proverbs 11:2, “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”  Humility helps us acknowledge that we all have blind spots and weaknesses. It will open our hearts to honest feedback.

Feedback

It can be dangerous when we begin to “believe our own press clippings.” Accolades are nice, but they can make us blind to our weaknesses. We need to find safe people who will share the truth with us.  We have a tendency to surround ourselves with people who will just say what we want to hear.  But if we are going to grow in self-awareness we need to find people who are safe, gracious and willing to give us honest feedback. Here are some questions to ask:

• What are my strengths?
• What are my areas of immaturity?
• What have you observed triggers strong reactions in me?
• When my buttons get pushed, how do I tend to react?
• How have you seen me push other people’s buttons?

If you listen to their responses, you will become more aware of your weaknesses and triggers. This will enable you to strategize ways to respond when you sense your buttons are pushed.

Reflection

Hardships can evoke powerful and painful emotions. Our unwillingness to face and reflect on the pain will prevent us from learning and growing.  It is wise to follow Peter Scazzero’s counsel, “It is essential that we understand the enemies within us or we will inevitably project them outward on to other people.”

Journaling is a powerful tool that can provide insights into our life. Reflecting on what we are feeling, thinking, and desiring not only provides self-awareness but health benefits. Research has found when people write about their feelings they are able to lower heart rate and blood pressure.

Perspective Taking

Perspective taking means asking ourselves, “If I were in their shoes what would I feel, think or do?” Too often we are just reacting to what people say and do.  We need to slow down and ask these questions. As we learn to put ourselves in other people’s shoes, our awareness will be heightened. We will become more empathetic and thus strengthen our bonds of friendship.

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Research backs this up. Dr. Stephen Porges, a researcher at the University of North Carolina, found that when people feel heard, the body calms down, they feel safe, and they become more creative and more engaged in connecting with others.

Scripture and research both confirm we need to listen better. How do we listen and help others feel heard?

1.  Attentiveness

Attentiveness seems to be a lost art in the modern world.   Everywhere we look, there’s a screen in our face: phone, computer, TV, ipad.  There is so much happening around us. No wonder people question whether we are listening to them.

When Becky and I do seminars on communication, we have people pair off and try a listening exercise. First, one person talks for 60 seconds while the other person doesn’t pay attention — they look away, make no eye contact, or play with their phone.  One minute seems like an eternity.  The one who is talking  feels frustrated and wants to give up.

Then we switch. One person speaks and this time the other works at attending: they make eye contact, nod the head, lean in, and ask questions with warmth and interest. The same 60 seconds fly by. The conversation is energized. Both people are engaged in the conversation and want to keep talking.

Likewise when we are talking with our  friends, co-workers, or spouse we need to give them our undivided attention. It helps them feel like we are engaged in the conversation.  It makes them feel heard.

2.  Validation

Validation is communicating that the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and perspectives are worthy of being listened to.

Examples of validation include:

• “That was insightful, I appreciate …”
• “I think I’d feel the same way if I were in your shoes.”
• “That’s understandable.”

Too often we invalidate. Here are ways that people invalidate others and some examples:

• Changing the subject without really responding

Wife:  Hey, sweetie, when I went for a walk today down by the beach, I saw some dolphins!  It was so cool!

Husband:  The Padres made a great trade today.

• Ignoring the emotional content

Wife: I had such a hard day, so I got a late start on cooking dinner.  But it will be ready in 10 minutes.

Husband: It better be ready, I have an important meeting tonight.

• Belittling

Husband:  Man, things have been so intense at work.  I need a break. I wish we could get away.

Wife: You need a break, try being at home with four kids!

Other ways we invalidate include:

• Trying to cheer them up by talking about something else
• Sarcasm
• Name calling or labeling
• Attributing the viewpoint to something else – “Oh, you’re just tired” or “You only think that because you saw on the Internet”

What if you disagree with other person’s point of view? This brings us to our next skill.

3.  Exploring

When we don’t understand someone’s point of view or it seems wrong or foolish, what do we do?  The key is to explore the topic. Ask questions like:

• What do you mean by that?
• Can you tell me more? Help me understand.
• How did you come to that conclusion?
• Have you considered…?

When we are exploring by asking these questions, we are seeking to understand, not trying to prove our point.

Our tone is critical when we ask questions. Dr. Porges’ research showed that a calm voice is soothing to the listener, and creates a sense of safety and people are more engaging.

Asking some of these same questions with a harsh tone will put people on the defensive. When we hear harsh tones, the research showed that the brain sends a message to the body to protect itself. The middle ear closes down and people don’t hear all the words we are saying. We literally have a harder time listening when we are upset. So when we say, “You aren’t listening to me!!!” — it’s more true than we realize.  There is great wisdom in Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Listening is critical for creating emotional safety and warmth in our relationships.  What areas do you need to work on: attending, validating or exploring?

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