As I have been talking with people during this crisis I have found that these mounting pressures tend to trigger our personal struggles. We tend to fall back into unhealthy coping patterns like disengaging from others or over engaging by relentlessly crossing personal boundaries. Frustrations are building.

What can we do to have healthier responses and build a better functioning home life?

First you need to understand, you don’t have to be perfect to be a good father, mother, roommate or child. Some of the ideas I am going to share with you, you won’t be perfect at. You will need to repair when you blow it. (We will talk more about that in a bit.)

Safety – Emotional and Physical

Being stuck at home is hard on everyone. The way we engage others will determine how safe the environment is. If there is a lot of yelling, screaming, physical altercations, or even lack of engagement people don’t feel safe. We need to pay attention to our tone. Our tone goes a long way in creating a place where people feel safe.

(If you are struggling with your tone you will need to take time for self-reflection to help you understand what is going on inside of you so you can make sense of your own narrative. I will say more about this next week.)

Helping people feel seen and heard will help people feel safe.

Seen & Heard

When we are all cooped up in the same home and no one really notices you or interacts with you, it leaves you feeling like you don’t matter. No one cares. Yes, it is possible for you to live with a group of people and feel isolated, alone or abandoned.  We need to engage others. We need to notice what others are doing and ask them how they are feeling. This is true for everyone, but especially true for you parents out there.

Side note to parents: Developmentally our kids don’t have the same capacities to comprehend what COVID-19 is and why we have to stay at home. Many of our kids feel bored and don’t know how to cope with all this extra time. That is why many of them will act out — and it is driving us crazy! Trying to develop a basic schedule for this COVID season will help bring some normalcy to your life.  It is critical that you pay attention to their emotions and help them process them.

A healthy way to engage others (adults or children) is what I call the avenue of communication: “A.V.E.”

Acknowledge:

When we are talking to others we need to seek to understand them by acknowledging what they are saying. You can do that by using the skill of reflective listening – putting in your own words what you heard the other person say.

Validate:

Then it is important to validate their emotions. It might go like: “When I said _____, it made you feel _____.” Or: “You’re feeling really bored because ______.”  People often don’t feel heard until you understand how they feel.

Explore:

This is a point in the conversation for you to ask questions to clarify what they are feeling or help them think through the issue. Your tone will be critical. We aren’t trying to interrogate, rather, we are trying to understand. You could ask questions like: “What did you mean by_____?”  “Interesting, how did you come to that conclusion?”  “Have you considered…?”  Again, the goal is understanding the other person.

Comfort by Connecting

When we are dealing with a crisis we need to expect people won’t always respond well. We need to learn to comfort others by “connecting before you correct/clarify.” When someone is upset or angry we need to remember there is usually pain driving the anger.  For many of us, our tendency is to correct first and then maybe try to smooth things over. When we first seek to comfort by connecting (see AVE), people tend to feel heard and we can deescalate tense moments. When people are struggling they need to be seen and heard before they can make a change.

Consistent

Being consistent in our responses by acknowledging, validating, exploring and comforting — instead of reacting — is going to create a healthy environment.

Repair

We are going to blow it. The floor of our bandwidth has been raised. We are going to fail. That doesn’t mean you are a total failure. It means you’re human!  When we fail we need to repair. Eph. 4:32 states, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

We need to own our mistakes and ask for forgiveness. We need to acknowledge how we have hurt the other person.  We need to accept the consequences and alter our behavior. I will often employ the “AVE” of communication in this conversation.

When we work at repairing, it communicates that we care. It helps us create a safe and healthy environment.

Take some time today to reflect on your interactions at home. Which of these areas do you need to work on?  How can you become more effective at acknowledging, validating, and exploring with others? As you grow in these skills your relationships will flourish even in the midst of this COVID season.

The post Coping with COVID-19: Developing Healthy Relationships at Home appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

In a perfect world, everyone would be treated as if we all matter equally. In a perfect micro-world of our family, there would be no “shrinking violet” child who tries to be invisible to avoid the punishment that the outspoken sibling is receiving. There would be no “golden child,” no “troublemaker” or “black sheep” of any family. There would just be children born into the world with unique personalities, emotional expression styles, and varied interests and skills, ones who are talkers, thinkers, musicians, artists, chemists, chefs — and all would know beyond doubt that they matter. No matter what!

In a healing or healthy family, each person feels seen, heard and valued as an irreplaceable part of this community called family. The parents would expect their spouse and their kids to flub up occasionally, and would offer grace and forgiveness and even a conversation about what other choices they might make if that situation happens again. Everyone would feel safe to admit they made a mistake instead of leaving that failure believing they ARE a mistake. They would always feel that they matter and that they are loved even when they are at their worst. Each member of the family would have a strong sense of belonging, each would feel of equal importance and value.

When we see each person we meet as an equal, as a person who we can learn from and can contribute to, then we see what God sees:  people all created in his image just the way he planned. We are not all the same color, size or shape; we don’t all have the same talents or abilities. But we are all cherished by God and lovable. When we treat others as if they matter as much as we matter, then we all feel safe to explore the world and relationships with a confidence that we have value and have something to contribute in this life.

Look at your loved ones this week and just say, “Thank you for saying ‘yes’ to this time together. You mean the world to me.” When you do that, you communicate, “You matter to me, and I’m so glad that I matter to you.“

The post I Matter, You Matter appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

We’ve been married for 33 years now, and as I take this Valentine’s Day to look back over our years together, what stands out to me most is how healing our relationship has been in my life.

Attachment researchers say that throughout our lives, from the day we’re born until the day we die, we need connection. We need to have someone we can turn to when we’re distressed; we need to know that we matter to another person.

A Safe Haven and a Secure Base

This secure attachment provides a safe haven and a secure base. A safe haven is that sense that we can rely on another person to understand us, to listen to us, and to comfort us when we’re upset. It’s that sense of coming home, a feeling that we don’t need to put on masks, the feeling that we are loved and accepted as we are.

A secure base is the idea that because we are loved, because we know that another person has our back, we are able to go out into the world and explore. A secure base empowers us to take risks, to be confident, and to become our best self.

Pursue or Withdraw

Without secure attachment, we either pursue or withdraw. Pursuers tend to try to make attachment happen. They move toward the other person and can come across as critical or demanding. Withdrawers tend to move away from the other person. They might try to shut down their attachment needs by putting up a wall or not interacting on a deep level.

Trauma survivors tend to do both at once, by sending confusing messages of “Come here/ Go away” at the same time. This is understandable, because like everyone, trauma survivors need people and want connection; however they’ve been hurt by people, so needing others feels dangerous and risky.

When I married Dave at age 19, although on the outside I was sweet, caring and responsible, on the inside I was that scared trauma survivor.

This showed up in unexpected ways early in our marriage. It was hard for me to trust Dave, even though he was very trustworthy. It was hard for me to confide my deepest thoughts and feelings to him, hard for me to truly believe that I mattered to him, hard for me to trust that he would love me no matter how unlovable I sometimes seemed to myself.

I often put up walls or shut down emotionally, which would push his buttons and make him feel shut out and disconnected. There were some difficult times. I remember crying a lot.

It came to a head about six years after our marriage. Our unwavering commitment to God helped us to stay committed to our marriage, and we sought counseling. By God’s grace, over time we were able to end our unhealthy patterns, process painful issues and find healing.

We were able to build a secure connection.

I learned that no matter how intense our disagreements might be, in the end Dave wants to hear me, to understand me and to respect me. I experienced his caring and I no longer felt like I had to retreat in order to be safe.

This has transformed my life. My husband has been an instrument of God’s grace to heal painful wounds.

I always had a sense that God was a safe haven for me; now I also have that in a person. Dave sees me, knows me and loves me unconditionally.

Similarly, while I always had a sense that God was a secure base for me, now Dave is as well. Dave empowers me to take risks, to set goals and go for them, to be the best person I can be. Knowing that he has my back and that we are a team no matter what means the world to me.

While writing this I’ve frequently had to stop and wipe away tears of gratitude and joy. This Valentine’s Day I look back in amazement and delight at God’s grace in the lives of two very young adults, who stepped into marriage with so little idea of what they were getting into and who have been blessed beyond all expectation with a wonderful, healing love.

Thank you, Dave. I love you!

The post Thoughts on Valentine’s Day: a story of marriage, healing and grace appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

1)  Very Special

People were made to know and love God. We were designed to have a relationship with God. The Bible teaches that people were created in the image of God. 

In the Christian world view, people are of infinite worth and value. Our value comes not because of our skills and accomplishments, but because the God who made the universe created us in his image, and wired us to connect with him. We are valuable to God. We are very special.

2)  Deeply Fallen

The Bible teaches that although people were created very special, and equipped by God to have a relationship with him, we are deeply fallen. Sin entered the world and taints all of us. We are no longer able to connect with God. We are broken people, living in a broken world among other broken people.

This makes sense in light of the world we see around us. When we look at the world around us, we see that people have an amazing capacity for good and for evil. We see heroic acts of self-sacrifice and horrific acts of destruction. Humans build civilizations and destroy civilizations. People were created very special, but are truly deeply fallen.

This also makes sense in light of our knowledge of our own hearts. If we are honest with ourselves, we know that we are capable of cruelty, greed and pride. Our default setting is self-centeredness. This might be hard to admit to ourselves, because we are also very skilled at denial, but deep down we know that it’s true. We know that we are deeply fallen.

It’s as if we were a state-of-the-art cellphone, for example, designed to connect with signals and communicate freely and openly, with never a dropped call or a hint of static. But sin comes in the form of a bulldozer and completely crushes us. We can no longer communicate. Our previous capacities are destroyed. Some of us might look a little better on the surface, with fewer cracks, perhaps, but none of us retain our functionality. We can’t repair ourselves. We need whole new replacement parts. The Bible says that we need a new heart, a new life.

3)  Greatly Loved

Although we are deeply fallen, according to the Bible, we are also greatly loved. Romans 5:8 says, “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

This is the story of redemption that is the Bible’s central message: By coming to earth in the form of a man, by living a sinless life and dying a painful death, by rising from the dead and ascending to heaven, God has shown us his great love for us. He has provided a way for us to have the relationship with him that we were designed for. Jesus came to save us.

The message of Christianity is that you don’t have to find a way, broken person, to repair yourself. You don’t have to try harder, do more, perform better. You can’t earn your way into a relationship with God. You just stop and admit you are broken and receive God’s love and the new heart he offers through Jesus. What a beautiful message! What amazing grace!

This message of redemption makes sense to me when I observe people around me. As a therapist, every day I witness good coming out of the most painful and difficult circumstances. It seems like the hardest things in life are the very things that grow us the most. It makes sense to me that the Bible’s story of redemption is true, because I daily see small pieces of redemption, of good blossoming out of evil. I’ve seen people’s hearts changed by God’s grace. And I’ve experienced the transforming power of being loved in my own life.

So there you have it — six words that beautifully summarize the Bible’s view of humanity: Very Special, Deeply Fallen, and Greatly Loved.

The post Very Special, Deeply Fallen, Greatly Loved appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Robin Hood was trying to set an environment where people were free to share their burdens and find peace and safety. Isn’t that something we all want? Being able to share our sorrows not only releases our burdens, it empowers us to feel like we aren’t alone.  We have someone who will enter our pain.

God has designed us to be in community.  This inner desire for connections draws us to people. But the fear of being hurt puts us on guard. When we share areas that are vulnerable, we can be easily crushed.

Intellectually, we know about the medical benefits of sharing our troubles, but fear holds us back.  We feel stuck. Will people really understand our pain? Will they judge me? Will they dismiss my pain and quote a Bible verse?

Until we boldly confront the fears we want to avoid, those fears will control our lives. Being able to share our pain is vital to recovery. The cautionary tale from the Sherwood Forest is finding someone who is safe.  When we share with the wrong person we are crushed. Who is safe? How do we become safe people? Here are some qualities of a safe person:

They listen.  (James 1:19)

• That doesn’t mean just being quiet when someone is talking.
• It is being engaged, asking questions. (See my post on The Art of Listening for details.)

They are humble.  (Philippians 2:3-4)

• We need to recognize we are all broken and are in need of a Savior.
• A safe person is self-aware. They don’t think of themselves as having it all together.  They are aware of their own weaknesses and thus willing to serve. (See my post on Self-Awareness)

They express heartfelt compassion.  (Colossians 3:12)

• They reflect back both the content of your words and the emotions behind them.

They are willing to give gentle honest feedback.  (2 Timothy 2:25)

• We don’t need people just agreeing with us. We need people who will listen and gently ask questions that help us think through issues.
• We don’t need someone lecturing at us.
• It is not about making a point; it is about making a difference.

They are there through the pain.  (Romans 12:15)

• Sometimes we feel inadequate to help others.  We are afraid of saying the wrong thing. One of the most loving things we can do for others is being there — sitting with them, giving them a shoulder to cry on, a hug.

We all long for a Sherwood Forest experience.  However, there are many dangers in the forest. Not everyone is a Robin Hood. We need to choose wisely before we share our pain.

I encourage you to examine the five characteristics above.  Do they describe you? Are there areas you need to work on? God has called his church to be this type of community. Too often we fall short. We are all in process. Let’s strive to be the type of community who welcomes those in pain.

If you are in pain, choose wisely who you share with. Please feel free to contact us at Restore and Rebuild.  We would love to walk with you through your journey.

The post Safety in the Sherwood Forest: A Cautionary Tale appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

It often seems like I live my life by another prayer, one that goes something like, “God, please bless my attempts to control the things I cannot change.”

What would it be like to serenely accept the things I cannot change? How can I learn to let go?

1)  Get Clear About What You Can’t Change

If we’re trying to accept things we can’t change, then we first need to clarify what we can’t change. What are those things that we can’t control, no matter how hard we try? What are things we can’t change?

• Most things about other people. We can’t make other people change.  We can’t make them change their decisions, their feelings, their opinions, their habits, their personality, or their preferences. We might be able to influence them, to a greater or lesser degree, but most aspects of other people fall into the “can’t change” category.
• The past. We can’t change the past. No matter how much we regret our past choices, no matter how bitter we feel about past hurts, no matter how painful our past losses, we can’t change them.
• Some things about ourselves. While there are things about ourselves we can change, other aspects of ourselves are just the way we were born. There are many things we can’t change about our looks, our health, our personality and our aptitudes.
• Some circumstances. In any given situation, there are some things we can’t change. We can’t change big things like natural disasters, wars, or the economy. We can’t change small things, like a flat tire on the way to work, how much homework our kids are assigned, or the cost of a movie ticket.
• The fact that we have limits. Often the hardest things to accept are our own limits. We want to see it all, to do it all, to achieve our dreams. My to do list for the day often has more items than any one person could possibly accomplish in a single day. Why do I expect that of myself? Because I have a hard time accepting my own limits.

2)  Examine the Reasons You Try to Control

Why do we constantly try to control things that we can’t? Why is letting go so difficult?

We try to control because letting go is terrifying. We are afraid of feeling powerless. We don’t want to be a victim.

We try to control because we think that if we can just make this other person change, or if we can just somehow make ourselves perfect, then our problems will be solved. We’ll finally be happy, everyone will love us, we’ll have it made.

We try to control our loved ones because somehow we bought into the belief that love means having an agenda for someone else’s life. I want you to change because I care about you. I nag you because I love you.

We try to control our kids because when they were young they needed us to manage their lives, and as they’ve grown, we haven’t adjusted. Maybe we’re afraid that if they don’t need us to manage their lives, then we won’t have a place in their lives.

We try to control in order to get our own needs met. If I can just make people like me, if I’m good enough or nice enough, then I’ll feel loved. If I accomplish my impossible to do list, then I’ll feel successful.

We try to control because we’re driven by anxiety. We are afraid of what we can’t control. We constantly expect disaster, and we micromanage to try to stave it off.

We try to control because letting go feels like giving up. We don’t want to accept what we cannot change. We fear that letting go means we might never get what we want, and then we would have to grieve.

We try to control because deep down it’s hard to believe that God really cares, that he’s holding us in his hands. We think somehow it’s all up to us.

Benefits of Letting Go

Letting go is difficult, but as we do it, we experience:

• less anxiety
• lighter burdens
• more energy to focus on the things we can change
• increased trust in God
• greater maturity

My next blog post will give more thoughts on learning to let go.

The post Letting Go, Part One appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

In every relationship there will be conflict. How we deal with the conflict will determine the level of health and intimacy.  Taking responsibility for our mistakes and forgiving others is critical. But it is not as easy as it sounds.

Much to my surprise, he rejected my apology.

I was stunned. Why the rejection? He told me he didn’t think the apology was sincere because I hadn’t specifically asked, “Will you forgive me?”

At that moment I thought, “What? I said I was sorry. I recognized how I hurt him. I admitted specifically to my mistake. I talked about how I am committed to doing things differently.” I was waiting for him to say, “I forgive you.”  But he wouldn’t forgive me until I asked, so I asked forgiveness.

That exchange always baffled me until I read “The Five Languages of Apology,” by Gary Chapman.  In his book he discusses the idea that different people need to hear different things in an apology to feel like it is genuine. He categorizes them as follows: expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, repentance, and requesting forgiveness.

This was an epiphany for me. I wasn’t speaking his language. He needed to hear a request for forgiveness. The goal in any apology is reconciliation.  Sometimes we don’t achieve it because we aren’t speaking the other person’s language.

How God Forgives

This got me thinking: How does God deal with forgiveness?

• God forgives. 1 John 1:9 reads, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins…”
• God makes the first move toward us in forgiving. He doesn’t wait until we are sorry. Romans 5:8 reads, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
• God wants us to forgive others just as He has forgiven us. Colossians 3:13 reads, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
• God continually forgives. Matthew 18:21-22 says, “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'”

God understands that confession and forgiveness are the lifeblood of a relationship.  Without these actions we can never experience the unity and closeness we desire. The reality is we are all broken and we will say and do things that hurt each other.  That is why God models the power of mercy and forgiveness.

Ken Sande, in his book “The Peacemaker,” provides some insights on how we can become more effective at confession and forgiveness.

Seven A’s of Confession

1. Address everyone involved in the conflict. (All those whom you affected)
2. Avoid if, but, and maybe. (Do not try to excuse your wrongs)
3. Admit specifically. (Both attitudes and actions)
4. Acknowledge the hurt. (Express sorrow for hurting someone)
5. Accept the consequences.
6. Alter your behavior. (Change your attitudes and actions)
7. Ask for forgiveness.

The Four Promises of Forgiveness

1. I will not dwell on this incident.
2. I will not bring this incident up and use it against you.
3. I will not talk to others about the incident.
4. I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.

So often when we think about experiencing forgiveness and healing in our relationships we focus on the one who is confessing. But if the one who is supposed to be forgiving is always bring up the incident and talking to others it will create a wedge in the relationship.  The person who is confessing will feel like, “That didn’t do any good. I’m just going to keep things to myself.”  Both parties have a responsibility in the forgiving and healing process.

Things to Think About:

• How has God forgiven you?
• Look at the Seven A’s of Confession and Four Promises of Forgiveness. What is easiest for you and what is hardest? Why?
• How might this help your relationships?

The post Keys to Forgiveness appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Marriage is one of God’s laboratories in which he brings two uniquely different people together to become one.  Intimacy and unity is the end goal of this sanctifying process.  But too often we let our uniqueness get in the way of our oneness.  We focus just on our own needs and not on the needs of our spouse or our relationship.

Paul addresses this issue in Ephesians 5:21-33.  In Ephesians 4, Paul begins his discussion on unity. In chapters 5 and 6 he describes how we can live out this unity in our relationships.  We are implored to walk in love.  If we are going to be filled with the Spirit, we need to submit one to another. (5:21) Tragically, too many translations make verses 21 and 22 part of separate paragraphs, thus breaking up the concept of submitting one to another. However, in the Greek text the word “submit” is not in verse 22. It is implied from verse 21. The two verses are linked.  Paul is describing how we submit one to another.

The word “submit” is like a cultural heresy. There is a misunderstanding of this term.  Some Christian men have used it as a club to lord it over their wives. Unfortunately, they don’t continue to read the passage. The context is unity, walking in love and being filled with the Spirit.

Submission is the willingness to give up your agenda for the betterment of the other person and the relationship. (Phil. 2:3.4) Paul encourages women to respect their husbands out of reverence toward Christ. Men are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Jesus didn’t lord it over us, he demonstrated his love for us by sacrificing for us.

I have heard people say that the Bible never says that wives are to love their husbands, just respect them.  I guess they missed Titus 2:4.  1 Peter 3:7 calls men to respect their wives.  We need to love and respect each other if we are going to cultivate spiritual intimacy in our marriages.

God brings two uniquely different people together to strengthen one another. The focus isn’t on who’s in charge, the focus is on developing unity and intimacy by loving and respecting each other.

Each couple is unique. Here are few ideas on how you can cultivate a Christ-centered relationship.  Don’t try to do them all at once.  If this is new, start with one and go from there.

• God’s word needs to be part of your everyday life.
• Ask one another about what God is teaching each other.
• Regular times of prayer.
• As you encounter life’s challenges, look to the word and pray together. Don’t let these disciplines be an afterthought. Let them guide your decisions.
• Find a mentor couple.
• Join a small group.
• Go to church together.
• Read a book together.
• Go for a walk and share how you see God in nature.
• Talk about ways you can invest in each other’s spiritual life.

The post Cultivating Spiritual Intimacy in Marriage appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Somehow we come into marriage wanting our spouse to be so attuned to us that they will be able to pick up on the tiniest of cues, know us better than we know ourselves, and intuitively discern exactly what we want and need from them at any given moment. We expect our spouse to read our mind.

This attachment need starts when we’re born. As a baby, we are utterly dependent on others to survive. We need a caregiver who is intimately attuned to us, who notices even small signs of distress, and who correctly guesses what we need. We need parents who read our mind.

But as adults, this desire for our partner to read our mind can be dangerous. If we let our understandable desire to be known become an expectation that we shouldn’t have to ask for what we need, then our inevitable frustration and disappointment will damage our marriage.

How can we process this longing to be known and instead have realistic expectations of our spouse? How can we verbalize what we want and need in a mature, non-demanding way? How can we let our attachment needs draw us closer to our partner instead of driving a wedge between us?

1)  Notice the Warning Signs

Disappointment signals that we were hoping for and expecting something that we didn’t receive. If you frequently feel emotions such as disappointment, frustration or impatience toward your spouse, then that may be a sign that you were hoping your spouse would read your mind.

Allison (not her real name) would frequently “test” her husband’s love for her. She would think of what she wanted from him, such as, for example, that he would plan something special for her birthday, and then tell herself that if he really loved her, he would do it without being asked or reminded. She would deliberately choose not to mention her desires to him ahead of time, in order to test whether or not he really loved her. Sadly, he usually failed to do what she had secretly expected of him, and Allison struggled with feeling deeply disappointed and unloved.

2)  Soothe Your Disappointment

When you notice that you’ve been secretly expecting your spouse to read your mind, you have three possible ways to handle your disappointment. First, you could indulge your disappointment. “That’s right, he doesn’t really love you. It’s not like you were expecting that much. Most husbands would have known what to do.” Indulging your disappointment can lead to berating your spouse, feeling bitter and resentful, and possibly giving up on the marriage.

Another way to handle disappointment is to shame it. Berate yourself for having expectations. “Grow up. Don’t be a baby. It’s unrealistic to expect that she’ll remember what you want, so just handle it yourself.” Telling yourself that you expect too much and trying not to have expectations of your spouse can lessen the immediate feelings of disappointment, but it can also lead to more distance in the marriage as you try not to need the other person or put yourself in a position where they could let you down.

What you want to do is soothe your disappointment. It works in the same way a caring parent soothes a disappointed child. First you notice the disappointed feeling. Then you understand it and empathize with it. “It makes sense that you’re disappointed. Part of you wishes your spouse would be so attuned to you that it’s almost like he’s reading your mind.” Then you let that disappointed part know that there’s hope. “You can keep on getting better at noticing your needs and communicating them to your spouse. You can work through this disappointment.”

3)  Accept Your Needs

The more we struggle to see our own needs as valid, the more we expect our partner to validate our needs by reading our mind. Allison secretly expected her husband to plan a wonderful surprise celebration for her birthday, but felt deep down that maybe she didn’t really deserve anything special. She felt like actually asking her husband to make a big deal of her birthday would be selfish. She desperately wanted her husband to understand and accept her needs because it was so difficult for her to do that for herself.

This is true in my own marriage. I’m a person who often needs down time. If I don’t take responsibility to plan the down time that I need, if I keep pushing myself and telling myself I have to keep going, then when my husband makes a request of me, I might get frustrated. Doesn’t he see that I’m busy? Why isn’t he doing more for me, to lighten my load? I start expecting him to read my mind and give me what I haven’t asked him for out loud. When I accept my needs and take responsibility for them, then I take the initiative to plan some down time and I ask my husband for help when I get overwhelmed.

4)  Put Yourself in your Partner’s Shoes

Practice the art of perspective-taking. What would the situation look like from your spouse’s perspective?

Over time, Allison was able to realize the impact her unspoken expectations had on her husband. He would think everything was fine, he would buy Allison a birthday present, and plan on celebrating her birthday in the low-key way his family had always celebrated birthdays when he was growing up, and then BAM! — on her birthday he would be on the receiving end of all her pent-up hurt and frustration. When Allison became more aware of how blindsided he felt, she felt compassion for him and took more initiative to change her part of their negative interaction cycle.

5)  Practice Making Requests

Putting your desires into words and directly asking your spouse for what you want can feel risky. It opens you up to the possibility that your spouse could hear what you need and still not meet your need.

But I’ve learned that pushing through the discomfort and verbally asking my husband for what I need has made us closer as a couple. It’s helped me to open up to him, it’s helped him to know me better, and it’s helped us to trust and care for each other more.

The key elements of making a request are an expression of your feelings, a description of what you’re hoping for, and an acknowledgement of the other person’s situation. For example, I might say to my husband, “I understand that you’re very busy at work these days. [acknowledgement of the other person’s situation] But you know that we’re hosting everyone for the 4th of July this year, and I’m starting to feel really stressed out about it. [expression of my feelings] Could we take some time to look at our schedules and see if there might be some times that you can help me with preparations? [description of what I’m hoping for] It would mean a lot to me. I appreciate all that you’re already doing to help.”

 6)  Pour Out your Heart to God

For all of us, there will be times when our spouse isn’t meeting our needs, times when we are feeling lonely, misunderstood or frustrated. Our longing for someone to be attuned to us can be met in God, who knows us and loves us inside and out.  Psalm 62:8 says, “Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” When we turn to God for understanding, we can let our spouse be human and accept that they can’t read our mind.

Even though God already knows what we are thinking, he tells us, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7) God knows that there is something about asking that is good for us. Part of maturity is the ability to be aware of our needs and make respectful requests.

Expecting my spouse to read my mind damages our relationship. Asking and receiving builds our relationship. May we all learn to ask and receive.

The post When You Want Your Spouse to Read Your Mind appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Every spiritual journey takes us to the hardest realities in our lives, the monsters within us, our shadows and strongholds, our willful flesh, our inner demons.  It is essential that we understand the enemies within us or we will inevitably project them outward on to other people.”  – Peter Scazzero in The Emotionally Healthy Church

We all have blind spots. Our lack of self-awareness can cause us to offend, run over and alienate people we love. They react to what we say and we have no clue why.  We get defensive, and the battle is on.  Both parties are wounded and emotional walls go up and we are left wondering, “What just happened?”

Self-awareness helps us understand and manage our emotions. It gives us a greater capacity for social awareness and empathy.  It is a critical building block for enhancing our relationships. Today we are going to take a brief look at what it is and how we can develop our own self-awareness.

Self-awareness is that ability to know what we are thinking, feeling, wanting, doing, and what triggers strong emotional reactions.  It sounds easy, but it’s not.  With the hectic pace of life we are frequently unaware of what is going on inside.  Like the tide, the demands of life keep coming and we don’t take the time to reflect. We remain clueless.

We are warned in Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”  In order to guard your heart, you need to know it.  Our emotions provide a window to peer into our soul. In some Christian circles, emotions are ignored. Emotions are too messy.  They can get us in trouble. “Just give me the facts. Emotions aren’t to be trusted.”

Here is a little exercise.  What do you think these words are describing?

Compassion, anger, deep distress, amazed, indignant, love, hunger, troubled, overwhelmed with sorrow.  Have a guess?

They are the emotions of Jesus as described in the book of Mark.  If our Savior expressed emotions, then clearly emotions are an essential part of the human experience. The more we are aware of our own emotions, the more skilled we will be at reading the emotions of others.  This awareness can lead us to empathetic responses and create closer relationships.

If you want to develop greater self-awareness, here are few things to consider:

Humility

It starts with humility. We are reminded in Proverbs 11:2, “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”  Humility helps us acknowledge that we all have blind spots and weaknesses. It will open our hearts to honest feedback.

Feedback

It can be dangerous when we begin to “believe our own press clippings.” Accolades are nice, but they can make us blind to our weaknesses. We need to find safe people who will share the truth with us.  We have a tendency to surround ourselves with people who will just say what we want to hear.  But if we are going to grow in self-awareness we need to find people who are safe, gracious and willing to give us honest feedback. Here are some questions to ask:

• What are my strengths?
• What are my areas of immaturity?
• What have you observed triggers strong reactions in me?
• When my buttons get pushed, how do I tend to react?
• How have you seen me push other people’s buttons?

If you listen to their responses, you will become more aware of your weaknesses and triggers. This will enable you to strategize ways to respond when you sense your buttons are pushed.

Reflection

Hardships can evoke powerful and painful emotions. Our unwillingness to face and reflect on the pain will prevent us from learning and growing.  It is wise to follow Peter Scazzero’s counsel, “It is essential that we understand the enemies within us or we will inevitably project them outward on to other people.”

Journaling is a powerful tool that can provide insights into our life. Reflecting on what we are feeling, thinking, and desiring not only provides self-awareness but health benefits. Research has found when people write about their feelings they are able to lower heart rate and blood pressure.

Perspective Taking

Perspective taking means asking ourselves, “If I were in their shoes what would I feel, think or do?” Too often we are just reacting to what people say and do.  We need to slow down and ask these questions. As we learn to put ourselves in other people’s shoes, our awareness will be heightened. We will become more empathetic and thus strengthen our bonds of friendship.

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