But after the year we’ve all had in 2020, how do we plan for 2021? So much is still uncertain! Now we know that even the best of plans can be completely derailed by circumstances we cannot control.

Six years ago I wrote the following article about the most important goal we can set. I’m reprising it here, as it is very appropriate for a time of a global pandemic and recurring lockdowns. (Read to the end for a timely epilogue.)

Original Blog Post (December 2014):

As this year draws to a close and the new year approaches, our thoughts naturally turn to goals and resolutions. What do we hope to accomplish in this upcoming year? How do we want our lives to change? What are we resolved to do differently?

Much as I love writing goals and making lists, and valuable as New Year’s Resolutions can be, there is one vitally important goal that we must remember during this process, or we will set ourselves up to be frustrated and stressed out this upcoming year. That goal is to become a better person. Or, from a Christian perspective, to become more like Jesus.

The beauty of this goal, and the reason it is the most important goal we can have, is that no matter what comes our way, we can still work toward this goal. Other, lesser goals can be thwarted by circumstances.

If my primary goal is success in my career, for example, an unexpected job loss can devastate me. But if, when that job loss comes my way, I remember that my primary goal is character growth, then during my unemployment, I will focus on developing perseverance, trust in God, and compassion for those worse off than myself.

Our other goals can be good ones: to lose weight, to write a book, to quit smoking, or to eat more dinners together as a family. But we are not in control of situations that can come into our lives and derail those goals. We are broken people who live in a broken world filled with other broken people. There are countless possible hardships that could take us by surprise this coming year.

So when those hard times come, when disaster strikes, when you are wounded and stressed and grieving that you can no longer achieve a goal that was so important to you — at those times, remember that no matter what, you can become a better person. No matter what, you can become more like Christ.

The day before I wrote this, I called my dad. It was his 76th birthday, and I wanted to wish him a happy birthday.

My dad is a mathematician and physicist who has had a very successful career as one of the pioneers in the field of GPS navigation. He retired last year, at the age of 75, and would have liked to spend his newfound free time writing and publishing more scholarly papers. But my mom, his wife of 54 years, has Alzheimer’s. She’s transitioning into the later stages of the disease, and Dad retired because she needed more of his care. Dad is the only person she still recognizes, and she usually functions better when he is around.

When I called Dad last night and wished him a happy birthday, he mentioned that one of my sisters wrote a facebook post that “almost made [him] cry.” My sister wrote:

Dad, All my life I’ve known that I have the smartest Dad ever. And the funniest, because what could be funnier than puns? But watching you care for Mom as her Alzheimer’s gets progressively worse — I now know that I also have the kindest and most loving Dad in the world. Happy Birthday, Ron Hatch! I’m so proud to be your daughter!

Dad and I talked about that, and I told him I was going to be writing about how God’s number one goal for our lives is that we become more like Jesus. Dad agreed. He said that it’s been hard for him to find time to do much writing, that he’s lucky if he can get in an hour of writing a day because of the time it takes to care for Mom. Then he said, “But that [caring for Mom] is what’s most important now.”

My dad’s main goal is not to publish more papers, though he’d like to do that and he has valuable contributions to make. To me, to my sister, and to many, many others who see my dad caring for my mom, Dad is a living example of a person who is becoming a better person even in a very difficult situation.

So as we make our resolutions, as we write out our goals for the year to come, as we reflect and plan, let’s remember that the upcoming year is likely to bring unexpected challenges. We might not be able to achieve our much-desired goals. But no matter what happens, we can become a better person, our character can grow, and we can be made more like Jesus Christ.

Epilogue (December 2020):

My dad died very suddenly in September 2019 — and Mom followed him just nine weeks later. Dad left behind a partially written article for a scientific journal that he’d been laboring over for months. He still had goals he had hoped to achieve and work he left unfinished.

But what Dad didn’t leave undone was the opportunity to love his wife well. He didn’t forget to lean on God for strength. He continued to become more like Christ in becoming ever more tender and patient.

He lived out the truth of Romans 8:28-30 — that God works everything that comes into our lives for our good — because in all circumstances, God is making us more “conformed to the image of His Son” — more like Jesus. Dad remembered God’s number one goal for his life.

No matter what comes in 2021 --
  no matter which of your plans may change,
  no matter how many of your goals are left unfinished,
  no matter what challenges you may face,
May you always remember that God is working for your good
  to make you more and more like Jesus.

The post Your Most Important Goal appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

PRAY WHAT?

Psalm 35 falls into the category of psalms known as “imprecatory psalms.”  Imprecatory psalms are ones in which the author calls down judgment on his enemies. 

For example, the first three verses of Psalm 35 read:

Contend, O LORD, with those who contend with me;
     fight against those who fight against me.
Take up shield and buckler;
     arise and come to my aid.
Brandish spear and javelin
     against those who pursue me.
Say to my soul,
     "I am your salvation."

Imprecatory psalms can be difficult for us to relate to.  King David had actual people trying to kill him; it makes sense that he would pray for God’s protection and intervention against his enemies.  However, most of us don’t have enemies out to get us, so it seems odd for us to pray, for example, “May those who seek my life be disgraced and put to shame.”  (Psalm 35:4)

Yet the Psalms are meant to be prayed by God’s people.  Even these imprecatory psalms are there for a reason; they are intended to guide us as we pray.  How can we pray against enemies in this day and age?

1) PRAY on behalf of others

One answer:  Pray on behalf of people who DO have enemies.  Pray these words with persecuted Christians in mind.  As I have done this with Psalm 35 these past weeks, the words of the Psalm have taken on new depth of meaning for me.

I have prayed for a Chinese pastor who is currently in prison for his faith, “Vindicate [him] in your righteousness, O LORD my God; do not let them gloat over [him.]” (Psalm 35:24)

I have prayed for Christians who attend churches that have been bombed by Muslim terrorists:  “O LORD, you have seen this; be not silent. Do not be far from [them], O Lord. Awake, and rise to [their] defense! Contend for [them], my God and Lord.” (Psalm 35:22-23)

As part of my own healing process, I used to regularly pray Psalm 10 on behalf of victims of sexual abuse everywhere.  It is a passionate prayer for the helpless and oppressed, a powerful prayer against abusers.

If you don’t have any actual physical enemies in your life right now, people who are trying to silence you, oppress you, and threaten your life, that’s wonderful!  Thank God for that!  And then lift up these prayers on behalf of people who DO need God’s intervention and protection.

2)  PRAY against the enemies of your soul

As believers, we might not have actual people who are fighting against us, but we do have enemies.  The enemies of our souls can be temptations, can be negative emotions, or can be evil, demonic forces.  As we pray Psalm 35 or other imprecatory psalms, we can pray in a very personal way against these enemies of our soul.

It’s been eight weeks now since my father unexpectedly passed away.  I’m grieving.  I’m also facing new, overwhelming responsibilities as executor of my dad’s will and holder of durable power of attorney for my mom. 

I’ve noticed some enemies of my soul cropping up during these weeks.  The therapist in me likes to call them “maladaptive coping strategies.”  But from God’s perspective, reluctant though I am to admit it, I think they’re more appropriately called “sins.” 

So as I’ve been praying through Psalm 35, I’ve been praying against these soul-enemies.  I pray that in my grieving God would protect me from despair.  I pray against escapism, against ways I seek to avoid hard tasks or distract myself.

The last part of verse three has resonated with me, where the psalmist asks God to, “Say to my soul, ‘I am your salvation.’”

God IS my salvation.  In the middle of grief over my dad’s death, God keeps reminding my soul that he is my salvation and hope.

In the middle of overwhelmingly long and complex tasks regarding my dad’s estate, God keeps reminding my soul that he is my salvation and strength. 

He is my rescue.  He is my guide.  He cares for my soul.

He is a personal God who sees the struggles we face and who fights on our side against enemies of our souls.  May Psalm 35 remind you of that today.

The post Praying Psalm 35 appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Mind you, I am not suggesting that I always apply good conflict-resolution skills.  But during these encounters I seemed to be doing it right.  My strong desire to resolve the conflict kept me persisting in the conversations.  I would think, “If I can show him that I understand him or phrase things just the right way, he’ll get it and we will resolve this issue.”  But the conversation would get worse.  Why?

In Dr. Alan Godwin’s book, How to Solve Your People Problems: Dealing with Your Difficult Relationships,he describes four essential truths:

1. Close relationships involve conflict.
2. Relationships work well only when conflict is handled well.
3. We naturally handle conflict poorly.
4. Conflict with reasonable and unreasonable people must be handled differently.

Godwin defines what bad conflict and good conflict look like with reasonable and unreasonable people.  He discusses what he calls the “reason muscles:”  humility, awareness, responsibility, empathy and reliability.  He gives practical insights on how these qualities can be developed in our lives and how they are undeveloped in the lives of unreasonable people.  He explains the damage caused by these undeveloped muscles in a relationship.

He describes the “dramas and roles” we play in dealing with unreasonable people.  As he described dramas and roles, I was amazed at how accurate his descriptions were to my situations.  I thought, Was he a fly on the wall taking notes on my experiences?

Dr. Godwin gives insights on how to assess situations and how to have good conflict.  I found his descriptions insightful, practical and realistic.  These principles have changed my approach to dealing with reasonable and unreasonable people.

The post Book Review of “How to Solve Your People Problems” appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Pastors Samuel Rima and Gary McIntosh wrote their book, Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership, because they wanted to address these problems by helping pastors and other leaders to face their own issues in order to flourish in ministry.

In Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership: The Paradox of Personal Dysfunction, Rima and McIntosh clearly delineate what they call “the paradox of personal dysfunction in leadership” — the fact that:

The personal characteristics that drive individuals to succeed and lead often have a shadow side that can cripple them once they become leaders and very often causes significant failure.

They cite instances of leaders who were driven to achieve in attempts to gain parental approval, for example, but who then found that same drive became a destructive force of compulsive workaholism or perfectionism that destroyed their relationships.

In Part 2 of the book, the authors specify various forms a leader’s dark side might take:  compulsive, narcissistic, paranoid, codependent and passive-aggressive.  They describe these in laymen’s terms, rather than from a clinical perspective, but their observations are sound and applicable.  Each of these chapters ends with a short, helpful questionnaire for self-evaluation.

The authors’ recommendations for leaders found in Part 3, “Redeeming Our Dark Side,” are wise and practical.  They emphasize that is is crucial for leaders to grow in their own self-knowledge and in their understanding of their identity in Christ.

One of the helpful appendices gives an example of an annual performance evaluation of a senior pastor by a church board, a practice recommended by the authors.  They state:

Though opening oneself to formal evaluation is always a risky and frightening experience, it is well worth the risk and fear it engenders… It is always painful to acknowledge our failures and problems but it is absolutely essential if we are ever to gain control of our dark side.

Reading this book inspired personal self-reflection.  My tendencies toward codependency — the way I take care of others, my desire to keep the peace — are part of what drew me toward ministry and toward becoming a therapist.  Left unchecked, however, these tendencies damage my effectiveness.  They make it difficult for me to say no, keep me silent when I need to speak up, and hinder my effective self-care, making me vulnerable to fatigue and burnout.

It was good to be reminded that even though focusing on people-pleasing helped me to get some of my attachment needs met as a child, I can leave that behind now.  When I know who I am in Christ — that I am loved, that I am valuable — then my attachment needs are met and I can give to other people out of abundance, leading in a healthy way rather than a codependent way.

The book also increased my insight into ways that other pastors I have known have been affected by their dark sides.  The descriptions of narcissistic leaders and compulsive leaders were sadly familiar.  My heart goes out to Christian leaders who want to serve God and do not realize how much their own shadow side is negatively impacting their ministries.  May they read this book and be helped.

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