As I have been talking with people during this crisis I have found that these mounting pressures tend to trigger our personal struggles. We tend to fall back into unhealthy coping patterns like disengaging from others or over engaging by relentlessly crossing personal boundaries. Frustrations are building.

What can we do to have healthier responses and build a better functioning home life?

First you need to understand, you don’t have to be perfect to be a good father, mother, roommate or child. Some of the ideas I am going to share with you, you won’t be perfect at. You will need to repair when you blow it. (We will talk more about that in a bit.)

Safety – Emotional and Physical

Being stuck at home is hard on everyone. The way we engage others will determine how safe the environment is. If there is a lot of yelling, screaming, physical altercations, or even lack of engagement people don’t feel safe. We need to pay attention to our tone. Our tone goes a long way in creating a place where people feel safe.

(If you are struggling with your tone you will need to take time for self-reflection to help you understand what is going on inside of you so you can make sense of your own narrative. I will say more about this next week.)

Helping people feel seen and heard will help people feel safe.

Seen & Heard

When we are all cooped up in the same home and no one really notices you or interacts with you, it leaves you feeling like you don’t matter. No one cares. Yes, it is possible for you to live with a group of people and feel isolated, alone or abandoned.  We need to engage others. We need to notice what others are doing and ask them how they are feeling. This is true for everyone, but especially true for you parents out there.

Side note to parents: Developmentally our kids don’t have the same capacities to comprehend what COVID-19 is and why we have to stay at home. Many of our kids feel bored and don’t know how to cope with all this extra time. That is why many of them will act out — and it is driving us crazy! Trying to develop a basic schedule for this COVID season will help bring some normalcy to your life.  It is critical that you pay attention to their emotions and help them process them.

A healthy way to engage others (adults or children) is what I call the avenue of communication: “A.V.E.”

Acknowledge:

When we are talking to others we need to seek to understand them by acknowledging what they are saying. You can do that by using the skill of reflective listening – putting in your own words what you heard the other person say.

Validate:

Then it is important to validate their emotions. It might go like: “When I said _____, it made you feel _____.” Or: “You’re feeling really bored because ______.”  People often don’t feel heard until you understand how they feel.

Explore:

This is a point in the conversation for you to ask questions to clarify what they are feeling or help them think through the issue. Your tone will be critical. We aren’t trying to interrogate, rather, we are trying to understand. You could ask questions like: “What did you mean by_____?”  “Interesting, how did you come to that conclusion?”  “Have you considered…?”  Again, the goal is understanding the other person.

Comfort by Connecting

When we are dealing with a crisis we need to expect people won’t always respond well. We need to learn to comfort others by “connecting before you correct/clarify.” When someone is upset or angry we need to remember there is usually pain driving the anger.  For many of us, our tendency is to correct first and then maybe try to smooth things over. When we first seek to comfort by connecting (see AVE), people tend to feel heard and we can deescalate tense moments. When people are struggling they need to be seen and heard before they can make a change.

Consistent

Being consistent in our responses by acknowledging, validating, exploring and comforting — instead of reacting — is going to create a healthy environment.

Repair

We are going to blow it. The floor of our bandwidth has been raised. We are going to fail. That doesn’t mean you are a total failure. It means you’re human!  When we fail we need to repair. Eph. 4:32 states, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

We need to own our mistakes and ask for forgiveness. We need to acknowledge how we have hurt the other person.  We need to accept the consequences and alter our behavior. I will often employ the “AVE” of communication in this conversation.

When we work at repairing, it communicates that we care. It helps us create a safe and healthy environment.

Take some time today to reflect on your interactions at home. Which of these areas do you need to work on?  How can you become more effective at acknowledging, validating, and exploring with others? As you grow in these skills your relationships will flourish even in the midst of this COVID season.

The post Coping with COVID-19: Developing Healthy Relationships at Home appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Most parents expect that once their children have been raised and are young adults, the family will smoothly transition into the “empty nest” stage. The kids will be living on their own — away at college, working, living with roommates, eventually getting married and starting families of their own — and the parents will enjoy some well-earned freedom, and everyone will live happily ever after.

Reality can come as a bit of a surprise.

The truth is that most families don’t move seamlessly from their youngest child’s graduation from high school straight into the empty nest. A recent analysis by the Pew Research Center found that in 2014, 32% of adults aged 18-32 were living in their parents’ home.

Having your young adult children living in your house brings a unique set of parenting challenges. How do we navigate this unexpected stage of life? What can we do as parents to ease the stress of our kids moving back into our home? How can we have good relationships with our young adult children even when they’re living in our house?

1)  Be Compassionate

For most young adults, living with their parents is not their first choice. Maybe your daughter is finding it harder to get a job than she thought it would be. Maybe your son just went through a painful divorce and needs a place to stay for a while. Maybe the economy has made it hard for your married daughter and her husband to afford a home, and they’ve asked to live with you while they save for a down payment.

When it’s difficult sharing your home with your young adult children, remind yourself that it’s probably difficult for them too, that it’s probably not what they had hoped for. Get in touch with a sense of compassion, express your empathy and support. It will mean a lot to them.

2)  Be a Consultant

My husband and I see our roles as parents in four stages: Caregiver, Manager, Coach, and then Consultant. When our children are young adults, it’s time to stop coaching them and step into the role of a consultant.

A consultant doesn’t offer advice unless it’s asked for. Consultants earn their position by their wisdom and experience. Your young adult children ask for your input when they know that you care about them and understand them, and when they value your perspective.

In order to stay in your consultant role when your young adult children are living in your home, have a conversation with your kids. Let them know that at this stage in life, you respect their right to make their own decisions. Tell them that you are available and willing to help, but will do your best to wait until asked.

Then don’t offer unsolicited advice on how to get a job or how to treat a girlfriend. Give your children space to truly become adults. Let them manage their own lives.

Stepping into the consultant role — and staying there — is far more difficult when your adult children are living in your house. This is partly because in addition to being their parent, you are also now their landlord and their roommate. Which bring us to the next point…

3)  Clarify Boundaries

In order to minimize conflicts with your young adult children who are living in your home, it’s crucial to discuss expectations. Good roommate relationships and good landlord-tenant relationships require clear boundaries. At a minimum, you’ll want to address the following topics:

• Chores. Who is responsible for what? Cover areas such as purchasing food, meal preparation, housecleaning, yard work, laundry and repairs. Make expectations explicit in order to avoid frustration and resentment.
• Shared Spaces. Clarify what their space is and whether they’re allowed to keep it how they want it or not. Discuss expectations about them inviting people over. Good roommates are sensitive to the needs of others in the home.
• Rent. Do you expect your son or daughter to pay rent or a portion of the utilities bills? Clarify the amount, the due date, and the consequences for missed payments.
• Schedules. Discuss with your children their schedules, and to what degree you’d like to be kept informed of where they’ll be or what time they’ll be home. But remember, you are not in charge of their schedule — they are.
• Time Frame. If you have college students who move back home for the summer, then the duration of their stay is clear. But when the stay is indefinite, such as until they find a job, make sure that you clarify expectations. It’s generally helpful to agree to a set duration such as three months or six months, and then re-evaluate the arrangement together.

No parent wants to have their adult son or daughter living in their home rent free while playing video games ten hours a day. Clear boundaries help us not to fall into the trap of enabling our child’s irresponsibility. That frees us to be generous and supportive in a truly helpful way.

4)  Connect

Having your young adult child in your home gives you a wonderful opportunity to connect with your child. Take advantage of this chance to spend time with your children. Find activities you both enjoy, and make them a tradition, like going surfing together one morning a week or playing a favorite board game. Spend quality time together. Have deeper conversations; get to know your son or daughter as an adult.

This unexpected time of having your grown children living in your home doesn’t have to be a time of frustration and conflict. My wish for you is that it be a time of unexpected blessings, a time of connections, a time that you will one day look back on with gratitude.

For advice to young adults who find themselves living at home with their parents, see this previous article.

The post For Parents with Young Adult Children Living at Home appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

In a perfect world, everyone would be treated as if we all matter equally. In a perfect micro-world of our family, there would be no “shrinking violet” child who tries to be invisible to avoid the punishment that the outspoken sibling is receiving. There would be no “golden child,” no “troublemaker” or “black sheep” of any family. There would just be children born into the world with unique personalities, emotional expression styles, and varied interests and skills, ones who are talkers, thinkers, musicians, artists, chemists, chefs — and all would know beyond doubt that they matter. No matter what!

In a healing or healthy family, each person feels seen, heard and valued as an irreplaceable part of this community called family. The parents would expect their spouse and their kids to flub up occasionally, and would offer grace and forgiveness and even a conversation about what other choices they might make if that situation happens again. Everyone would feel safe to admit they made a mistake instead of leaving that failure believing they ARE a mistake. They would always feel that they matter and that they are loved even when they are at their worst. Each member of the family would have a strong sense of belonging, each would feel of equal importance and value.

When we see each person we meet as an equal, as a person who we can learn from and can contribute to, then we see what God sees:  people all created in his image just the way he planned. We are not all the same color, size or shape; we don’t all have the same talents or abilities. But we are all cherished by God and lovable. When we treat others as if they matter as much as we matter, then we all feel safe to explore the world and relationships with a confidence that we have value and have something to contribute in this life.

Look at your loved ones this week and just say, “Thank you for saying ‘yes’ to this time together. You mean the world to me.” When you do that, you communicate, “You matter to me, and I’m so glad that I matter to you.“

The post I Matter, You Matter appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

So there you are. Living in your parents’ home. Maybe you recently moved back in after graduating from college, or after a difficult divorce or job loss. Maybe you’re trying to save money or going through a transition and need a place to stay temporarily.  Or perhaps you graduated from high school and never moved out, and you’re working or taking classes while still living with your parents.

However you got there, you’ve probably already noticed that living in your parents’ home has some challenges.

Now part of making this a positive experience depends on your parents. My next blog post will be tips for parents. But what can you do on your end to make the situation as positive as possible? Here are a few ideas…

1)  Be a good roommate

You are all adults now. Adults who live in the same house or apartment need to be good roommates.

Good roommates communicate well.  They talk about expectations and negotiate ground rules.

Talk about chores. Who is responsible for what? Will Mom or Dad buy groceries and prepare meals for everyone living in the home? Or are you responsible for your own meals? Who will do the laundry, who will clean the bathroom, who will mow the lawn, who will vacuum?

There are no one-size-fits-all answers to these questions. It’s perfectly acceptable for family members or roommates to divide responsibilities according to what suits their unique situation. But DO have the conversation.  DON’T just expect that however household responsibilities were handled in the past when you were a child or teenager is the way that they should continue to be addressed now that you’re an adult.

Roommates also need to discuss the use of shared space. Are you allowed to have friends over or have parties in the home? Is your room considered your personal space, and are you allowed to keep it as clean or as messy as you want? Good roommates are sensitive to the needs of others in the home.

Communicate about your schedules. If you’ve been out on your own, you’re no longer used to reporting to your parents about where you’re going and what time you’ll be home. But now that you’re roommates, it’s basic courtesy to keep those you are living with informed about your schedule. And clarify with your parents whether they expect you to just keep them informed before you do certain activities like having a friend spend the night, or if they want you to ask permission.

2)  Be respectful

As an adult, when you’re living in a home that someone else owns or is paying for, you aren’t just a roommate, you’re also a tenant. Even if you’re not paying your parents for the privilege of living there, in some ways they are your landlords. You’re not on a level playing field in the same way that two college roommates might be, for example. It’s your parents’ place.

So be a respectful tenant. Ask your parents if they want you to pay rent or pay a share of the utilities. And if you are paying, do it in a timely and uncomplaining manner.

Clarify with your parents how long you expect to stay with them. If you expect to live at home until you find a job, how long do you think that job search will take? If they plan on you finding a job and moving out within two months, but you realistically expect it to take up to six months, that’s a recipe for conflict if you haven’t discussed expectations.

Part of being a tenant is realizing that you’re not entitled to live there. Your parents don’t have to provide you with a place to live now that you’re an adult. They fed you, clothed you, and did their part to keep you alive for 18+ years, and now they’re allowing you to live in their home. So be a good tenant. Respect the property. Abide by any house rules that are important to your parents. Show a sense of gratitude, not an attitude of entitlement.

3)  Be responsible

One of the hard things about living with your parents is how easy it is to fall back into the old family roles. For example, if you were a forgetful teenager, then when you’re back in the home, your mom might start frequently “nagging” you again (she probably calls it “reminding”), and you might respond as impatiently or defensively as you did in the past.

But you’re an adult now. You don’t have to live in those old patterns. Notice when you say to yourself, “Oh no, here we go again.” That’s a sign that a negative pattern has resurfaced.

Once you notice an old pattern, do your part to change it. Maybe say, “Thank you, Mom, for reminding me to make sure I don’t forget my laptop, I know that you’re trying to help. But I’m an adult now, and I need to figure out my own methods to help my memory. So please hold off on reminding me.” And then show her that you’ve changed by not blaming her if you do forget something.

Mature adults take responsibility to do their part to have healthy relationships with the people they live with. Don’t live in a state of irritation, frustration or resentment. Those are all warning signs of relational issues. Do what you can on your end to create new, healthy patterns.

Have a plan for your life. Have a plan for when and how you’ll move out of your parents’ home. If you’ve said you’re looking for work, then don’t spend eight hours a day playing video games. Keep taking steps toward your goals. Let your parents see that you are a responsible adult, and watch their trust in you grow.

4)  Be connected

Even though you are now an adult, you are still a child of your parents. Be a connected family member. Living in your parents’ home gives you a great opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your parents. Build good memories by spending time together. Find things to do together that both of you enjoy.

Now that you’re an adult, your parents’ role in your life needs to change. They should be less of a manager or a coach, and more of a consultant. Don’t ask your parents to do things for you that you can do for yourself – that’s asking them to continue to manage your life. But do ask for their input about how to do things for yourself. Talk with them about your job issues, for example. Ask them for tips about resume writing or interviewing. Discuss relationship issues with them. Listen to the story of how they decided to get married, and what they found most challenging about committing to another person.

Once you start viewing your parents from an adult perspective, you can learn more about them and gain more insight into their history and personality. Take an interest in them; get to know them better — this can be a great time for you to develop a closer relationship with them.

If you do your part to be a good roommate, a respectful tenant, a responsible adult, and a connected family member, these months and years that you spend as a young adult in your parents’ home can become treasured memories.

The post An Open Letter to Young Adults Who Are Living at Home with their Parents appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Overprotecting:

Most parents love their children. They hate seeing their child in pain, so they do whatever they can to protect them. Unfortunately we can’t escape pain. We don’t do our children any favors when we try to keep them from experiencing ALL pain. We need to help our children learn how to deal with the harsh realities of life. Certainly we want to try to protect them from destructive pain, but how much pain is too much?

You might be thinking, “Is it really that bad if we are overprotective and solve our kids’ problems?” Overprotecting and solving all our kids’ problems has negative consequences in the future. One of the chief complaints from business leaders regarding this new generation, commonly called “Millennials,” is they can’t take constructive feedback.  Millennials have been known to not only pout, but also quit when they hear constructive criticism.

Many universities are at a loss about how to deal with this generation of students. Peter Gray, Ph.D. recently wrote an article “Declining Student Resilience: A Serious Problem for Colleges.”  He has done extensive research with institutions across America and here are a few of his conclusions:

• Students are afraid to fail; they do not take risks; they need to be certain about things. For many of them, failure is seen as catastrophic and unacceptable. External measures of success are more important than learning and autonomous development.
• Faculty members, individually and as a group, are conflicted about how much “handholding” they should be doing.

Dan Jones, past president of the Association for University and College Counseling Center Directors states,

Students haven’t developed skills in how to soothe themselves, because their parents have solved all their problems and removed the obstacles. They don’t seem to have as much grit as previous generations.

The universities and the marketplace are watching our children struggle with everyday problems and are at a loss on what to do. What are we to do?

Equipping our children for life’s challenges:

God has called us as parents to train up our children.  We are to prepare them to deal with life’s challenges. This doesn’t mean we don’t care and support our children.  No, it means we are to equip them. Here are some quick thoughts that will help you train up your children.

– Our role as parents is to help our kids explore, discover and develop skills. We want to encourage them to try new things.

– Give them the freedom to fail. We need to teach our kids that “failure needs to be our mentor, not our tormentor.” Failure is a part of life. We need to teach them to grieve failure or loss and learn from the experience.

– Our kids need both truth and grace in their lives.

• Truth:  Sometimes as parents we idealize our kids and act like they can’t do anything wrong.  We jump to their defense when we need to allow them to experience the consequences of their choices. When we excuse or minimize improper behavior we are teaching them to be self-centered, entitled, dishonest and irresponsible.
• Grace:  We need to distinguish between acceptance and approval. God accepts as we are, but he doesn’t always approve of all our actions. Sometimes when our kids make mistakes or act inappropriately we can respond harshly.  Our kids can feel like they can never measure up.  Grace always needs to accompany truth.
• When we discipline, the goal is learning, not making them pay for what they did. Consequences need to fit the crime. If we feel ourselves flooded with anger, take some time to cool off before you address the issue. Think through what might best help them learn.
• I have found it best to sympathize with their feelings, redirect attitudes, and discipline behavior.

– Give them the resources they need to develop and grow. Don’t become a helicopter parent — a parent that is always hovering and over-involved in your child’s life. Don’t be a stage parent – someone whose focus is making your child a star. This is an indication that your child’s success is more about you than about them.

– We need to recognize what stage of development our kids are in and treat them accordingly. Becky and I have developed “Four Stages of Parenting” that corresponds to child development: Caregiver, Manager, Coach and Consultant. If we are still “Managing” our high school or college age sons and daughters, we are going to run into major conflicts with our teens and we won’t prepare them to deal with life. I encourage you to read Becky’s blog post “Four Stages of Parenting” for more details.

Here are a few questions to think about:

-How are you helping your kids explore and develop new skills?

-Is failure a mentor or tormentor in your family?  How can you help them learn from failure?

-We need to balance grace and truth with our kids. Which do you tend to lean towards? What can you do to balance your interactions?

The post The Consequences of Overprotecting — Ideas for Training Up Our Kids appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Teens can be unappreciative and demanding. They can push the limits of our patience and of our wallets. They can be moody, edgy, rebellious and hurting — all in the same afternoon!  Sometimes our heart goes out to them, and sometimes we are counting the days until they leave home.

But parenting teens can also be very rewarding. During the teen years, we can have profound conversations with our almost-adults about ideas, faith, and the meaning of life. We can watch as their efforts pay off, and they achieve in sports, arts or academics. If all goes well, we start to be able to trust their choices, and our respect for them increases.

As we seek to navigate this challenging stage of parenting, one key principle to keep in mind is this:  Focus on internals, not externals.

Focus On Internals, Not Externals

As parents, sometimes we focus on the externals, on things like our teen’s grades, performance or appearance. We forget that what’s inside is most important. Externals can be significant. But if we focus on them to the exclusion of internals, we’re missing the point. A focus on externals will make our teens feel less like we really care about them. They might say things to us like, “You only care about my grades, you don’t really care about me!” They are more likely to feel misunderstood, pressured, and alone.

Here are some examples of externals vs. internals:

Grades vs. Learning

A parent who is constantly calculating their teen’s grade point average or fretting about his grades is focusing on externals. In contrast, if we focus on our teen’s learning, then we’ll engage with our teen about the era of history they’re currently studying, or ask what they think about the story they read for their English class.

Decisions vs. Values

A parent who focuses on externals is concerned with whether or not their teen is making good choices. A parent who also considers internals is concerned not only with choices, but also with how the choices reflect their teen’s moral values. What criteria does our teen use to make decisions? If our teen is a people-pleaser who makes decisions based on whether or not authority figures will be pleased with her, we might like most of her choices, but her moral values are still immature.

Expression of Feelings vs. Feelings

If our teen lashes out in anger or is cranky and irritable, do we immediately jump in to correct him? Or do we take a deep breath and say, “You seem upset. What’s going on?” If we’re focused on externals, then we’ll miss the chance to learn more about what’s going on inside our teen. We’ll lose the opportunity to help him learn how to process difficult emotions.

Words vs. Thoughts

Are we more concerned about what our teen says and how she says it, or about what our teen thinks? Do we show interest in hearing her opinions and beliefs? Do we ever ask, “What do you think? How did you come to that conclusion?” Do we engage with our teen’s ideas? Or are we too busy correcting them for saying things we don’t want to hear?

External Appearance vs. Heart

A focus on externals includes a focus on outward appearances. It’s normal for parents to want our teens to look good and to behave properly. But remember God’s words to Samuel in 1 Samuel 16:7: “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Ask yourself how God might view your teen’s heart. Does your teen have a growing love for God? Focus on the heart, not on outward appearances.

Actions vs. Identity

Parents of teens need to focus less on what their teen does, and more on who their teen is. During the adolescent years, teens develop an awareness that sometimes people put on masks and don’t show others the “real me” inside. Teens value authenticity — the sense that a person isn’t fake, that they truly are on the inside what they appear to be on the outside. When parents show an interest in their teen that goes beyond externals, the teen develops a sense that her parents want to know her authentic self — the person she is on the inside. That gives her a sense of safety and acceptance that helps her to mature.

“Shoulds” vs. Wants

An external focus tells teens what they “should” do. An internal focus takes in interest in the teen’s desires and aptitudes. What does your teen want, and why? Let go of your agenda for your teen’s life and explore what your teen wants for his life.

Performance vs. Growth

Rather than emphasizing our teen’s performance, a focus on internals focuses on our teen’s growth. So we don’t just celebrate athletic wins or musical achievements, we also notice our teen’s growth in self-discipline. We don’t just complement our teens for their performance, we also mention their character qualities, by saying, for example, “I’m impressed with how persistent you were in practicing that difficult piece,” or “You’ve really improved your passing game this year, good job! That took a lot of dedication.”

Address the externals. Externals generally do reflect what is going on inside. But focus on internals. A focus on internals lets our teens know they matter to us. It helps our teen to internalize God’s love and care for them. And it supports our teen as they move toward adulthood.

The post One Key to Parenting Teens appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

1)  Very Special

People were made to know and love God. We were designed to have a relationship with God. The Bible teaches that people were created in the image of God. 

In the Christian world view, people are of infinite worth and value. Our value comes not because of our skills and accomplishments, but because the God who made the universe created us in his image, and wired us to connect with him. We are valuable to God. We are very special.

2)  Deeply Fallen

The Bible teaches that although people were created very special, and equipped by God to have a relationship with him, we are deeply fallen. Sin entered the world and taints all of us. We are no longer able to connect with God. We are broken people, living in a broken world among other broken people.

This makes sense in light of the world we see around us. When we look at the world around us, we see that people have an amazing capacity for good and for evil. We see heroic acts of self-sacrifice and horrific acts of destruction. Humans build civilizations and destroy civilizations. People were created very special, but are truly deeply fallen.

This also makes sense in light of our knowledge of our own hearts. If we are honest with ourselves, we know that we are capable of cruelty, greed and pride. Our default setting is self-centeredness. This might be hard to admit to ourselves, because we are also very skilled at denial, but deep down we know that it’s true. We know that we are deeply fallen.

It’s as if we were a state-of-the-art cellphone, for example, designed to connect with signals and communicate freely and openly, with never a dropped call or a hint of static. But sin comes in the form of a bulldozer and completely crushes us. We can no longer communicate. Our previous capacities are destroyed. Some of us might look a little better on the surface, with fewer cracks, perhaps, but none of us retain our functionality. We can’t repair ourselves. We need whole new replacement parts. The Bible says that we need a new heart, a new life.

3)  Greatly Loved

Although we are deeply fallen, according to the Bible, we are also greatly loved. Romans 5:8 says, “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

This is the story of redemption that is the Bible’s central message: By coming to earth in the form of a man, by living a sinless life and dying a painful death, by rising from the dead and ascending to heaven, God has shown us his great love for us. He has provided a way for us to have the relationship with him that we were designed for. Jesus came to save us.

The message of Christianity is that you don’t have to find a way, broken person, to repair yourself. You don’t have to try harder, do more, perform better. You can’t earn your way into a relationship with God. You just stop and admit you are broken and receive God’s love and the new heart he offers through Jesus. What a beautiful message! What amazing grace!

This message of redemption makes sense to me when I observe people around me. As a therapist, every day I witness good coming out of the most painful and difficult circumstances. It seems like the hardest things in life are the very things that grow us the most. It makes sense to me that the Bible’s story of redemption is true, because I daily see small pieces of redemption, of good blossoming out of evil. I’ve seen people’s hearts changed by God’s grace. And I’ve experienced the transforming power of being loved in my own life.

So there you have it — six words that beautifully summarize the Bible’s view of humanity: Very Special, Deeply Fallen, and Greatly Loved.

The post Very Special, Deeply Fallen, Greatly Loved appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Draw lines, set boundaries, have clear limits for your children. But don’t let your parenting become all about the limits. Make sure you empathize with feelings as well. Connect with your child. Understand your teen, don’t just correct her. You can validate your child’s feelings AND still be firm at the same time.

In real life, it might look like this: You’re at the grocery store with your four-year-old son. He sees his favorite sugary treat and starts begging you to buy it for him. You tell him no. He starts whining and crying and making a scene.

You remember the #1 Rule of Thumb: Empathize with feelings, while still holding the line.

You say, “It’s hard, isn’t it, when you can’t get what you want. You seem sad and upset. It’s okay to be sad and upset. No, sweetie, we’re still not going to buy that.”

What you don’t want to do is empathize with the feelings and give in: “It’s hard, isn’t it, when you can’t get what you want. You seem so upset. Okay, fine, we’ll buy you your cookies. Do you feel better now?”

You also don’t want to hold the line without any empathy: “Stop crying. This is ridiculous. You’re making such a big deal out of this. There’s a lot of good food we’re buying. I am NOT buying that junk for you!”

Empathizing with feelings while still holding the line might mean telling your 9-year-old daughter, “Yes, I know you don’t want to do your book report. I can tell you’re feeling angry that I won’t let you go next door and play with your friend. But sometimes we all have to do things we don’t want to do, even when it’s hard.”

It might mean saying to your 13-year-old son, “Wow, that’s about as angry as I’ve ever heard you. I can tell you’re really mad and you think your teacher was very unfair. But it’s still not okay to use that kind of language. Without swearing, tell me what happened.”

Why is this so important? What’s so great about empathizing with feelings while still holding the line?

This helps our children build emotional intelligence. It helps them identify their feelings and label them. They increase their self-awareness. This is a necessary first step toward being able to empathize with the feelings of others.

And when we empathize with our child’s emotions while still enforcing appropriate limits, we teach him self-control. In their helpful book, “The Power of Validation,” authors Karyn D. Hall and Melissa H. Cook say:

Validating feelings without accepting inappropriate action teaches the child not to allow her feelings to control her and not to act impulsively. To teach a child that she is allowed to be angry is extremely healthy, but to teach her not to respond inappropriately in anger is even better.

As a parent, we don’t like it when our kids feel “negative” feelings. It’s hard to see our children feeling sad, angry, frustrated, discouraged, hurt or ashamed. It can push our buttons, make us reactive. When we don’t empathize, unfortunately we can train our children to disown or deny their negative feelings. We can make it more difficult for them to learn to cope with hard feelings.

But if we remember to “connect, don’t just correct” — if we empathize — if we let them know their reaction is understandable, given the situation — then we train our children to feel their feelings, to understand them, and to not be controlled by them. We train them to become emotionally intelligent.

The post My #1 Parenting Tip appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Now that my kids are grown, my life is busy in other ways. My husband and I work for our own nonprofit, mostly from home. I have list after list of things to do, email in-boxes that continually refill, and unclear boundaries between work time and time off. Life is still busy, and often stressful.

But one lesson I learned when my children were little that still helps me today is how important it is to practice healthy self-care. When I look back on the years I spent raising children, I see clearly how vitally important it is for parents to take care of themselves. Practicing healthy self-care is crucial for being a good parent, because our emotional state is a key factor in parenting.

The Still Face Experiment

This short video (less than three minutes long) powerfully illustrates the importance of a caregiver’s emotional state. Notice what happens when the child in this video no longer feels connected to her mom, and how deeply that lack of connection impacts her.

In the video, Dr. Tronick points out that when the mother became unresponsive, her daughter immediately tried to get her mom’s attention, to reconnect. The child pointed, vocalized, screeched, fussed, and ultimately burst into tears. Mom’s emotional absence had a HUGE impact on the child!

Consistent Disconnection is Harmful

Disconnections between parent and child happen — that’s a normal part of life. As long as there is a reconnection afterwards, those times of disconnection aren’t necessarily harmful for the child. When the parent and child disconnect and then reconnect, a child experiences that even though sometimes I feel alone, I will be okay. My mom (or dad) will come back. They will re-engage with me and I will be soothed.

But what if a caregiver was almost always like the mom during the “Still Face Experiment” — unresponsive, distant, present physically but not emotionally? How might it affect a child to grow up in a home where he is consistently unable to connect with a parent?

Perhaps the child would give up and go numb, shut down. Withdraw.

Or perhaps the child would start to act out — throw toys, have a temper tantrum, or cling and wail. Attachment researchers tell us that when people are hungry for connection, even negative attention is better than no attention, and kids can usually find ways to get negative attention!

Practice Self-Care in Order to Connect

Kids tune in to our emotional state. They notice if we’re emotionally absent, even if we’re physically in the room. If I’m depressed, anxious, fearful or stressed, I’ll probably have a harder time connecting with my child. If I’m busy, irritable and exhausted, then I’ll be less responsive to my child. I’ll be less emotionally present. Less engaged.

We need to take care of ourselves so that we will be able to be emotionally present and engaged with our children. For me, when my kids were little, this meant taking time each morning to journal, read and pray. Then I could start the day feeling centered and ready to engage with my family.

Connect in the Midst of Life

My fear in writing these words is that parents will start to feel guilty about any and every time that they are not fully happy and engaged with their children. We don’t have to be perfect, just present. Even with healthy self-care, there will still be times when we are sad, tired or upset. Good self-care involves noticing those feelings and finding ways to cope. Don’t let those feelings escalate to the point where you are overwhelmed and consistently unable to be emotionally present with your kids.

Let’s connect with our kids in the midst of our messy, imperfect real life. Let’s take care of ourselves so that we can connect with them.  Let’s not neglect the crying needs of our own soul to the point that we are physically present, but emotionally shut down, distracted or numb.

Even today, I notice that I connect with the people in my life better when I take the time to care for myself.

So take a deep breath. Ask yourself what you need to do today to take care of your soul, and do it.

And then look your loved ones in the eye and engage with them. Interact with your kids. Be emotionally present. You won’t regret it.

This post is fourth in a series on Self-Care. For Part 1, “The Importance of Self-Care,” click here. For Part 2, “Self-Care and the Unexpected,” click here. For Part 3, “The Case for Self-Care,” click here.

The post One Key Factor in Parenting appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

To start with, let’s discuss the obstacles to self-care. What makes it so difficult for us to practice good self-care, to attend to our own basic needs in a healthy, consistent way?

1) We’re Too Busy

Probably the number one reason is that we have so much to do, so much that feels way more urgent and important than taking care of ourselves. This was definitely true for the moms I met with. When you are providing care for children below the age of five, you are working round-the-clock tending to other people’s needs — fitting in time to even notice your own needs seems impossible.

But even if you’re past that caregiving stage of parenting or don’t have children, the pressing urgency of the to-do list makes self-care difficult.

In our culture that values productivity, where we measure our worth by our performance, healthy self-care often doesn’t even make it onto our radar screen. Granted, we could prioritize basic self-care and start making time to attend to our own soul and to replenish ourselves. But then we bump up against another obstacle to good self-care…

2) Self-Care Feels Selfish

When we make self-care a priority, we might hear a voice inside our heads, telling us that we’re being selfish, that we’re not thinking of others enough, or that we’re not doing what we “should” be doing. Our work ethic says that self-care is laziness, and we have no response.

Sadly, this is often especially true in Christian circles. We’re taught to put others first and to sacrifice our own desires and needs for the good of others — which are valuable lessons! — but we’re not usually taught the corresponding importance of healthy, unselfish self-care. When we relax we feel guilty, so we carry on, busy and exhausted, neglecting the health of our own souls.

3) No Support

Very few of us have people in our lives who remind us to take care of ourselves. Our bosses don’t tell us to care for our souls; our preschoolers don’t encourage us to make sure we get a good night’s sleep. No one holds us accountable to put self-care on our schedule. The choice to prioritize healthy self-care is generally a very private one, and the practice of it can feel lonely at times.

4) We Don’t Know What to Do

Even if we want to make self-care a priority in our busy lives, we still might have a problem — we just don’t know what healthy self-care looks like! Most of us didn’t grow up in a culture where attention to the needs of one’s soul was modeled for us, so we aren’t really sure what it involves.

How can we care for our souls? What does healthy, unselfish self-care actually look like? What are some practical tips for developing the ability to practice good self-care? These are questions we will address in this series on self-care.

My hope is that by addressing these obstacles and discussing the importance of self-care, we will feel empowered and inspired to take care of our souls, to make time in our busy schedules to practice healthy self-care, for our own benefit and the benefit of those around us.

The post The Importance of Self-Care appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.