Now that my kids are grown, my life is busy in other ways. My husband and I work for our own nonprofit, mostly from home. I have list after list of things to do, email in-boxes that continually refill, and unclear boundaries between work time and time off. Life is still busy, and often stressful.

But one lesson I learned when my children were little that still helps me today is how important it is to practice healthy self-care. When I look back on the years I spent raising children, I see clearly how vitally important it is for parents to take care of themselves. Practicing healthy self-care is crucial for being a good parent, because our emotional state is a key factor in parenting.

The Still Face Experiment

This short video (less than three minutes long) powerfully illustrates the importance of a caregiver’s emotional state. Notice what happens when the child in this video no longer feels connected to her mom, and how deeply that lack of connection impacts her.

In the video, Dr. Tronick points out that when the mother became unresponsive, her daughter immediately tried to get her mom’s attention, to reconnect. The child pointed, vocalized, screeched, fussed, and ultimately burst into tears. Mom’s emotional absence had a HUGE impact on the child!

Consistent Disconnection is Harmful

Disconnections between parent and child happen — that’s a normal part of life. As long as there is a reconnection afterwards, those times of disconnection aren’t necessarily harmful for the child. When the parent and child disconnect and then reconnect, a child experiences that even though sometimes I feel alone, I will be okay. My mom (or dad) will come back. They will re-engage with me and I will be soothed.

But what if a caregiver was almost always like the mom during the “Still Face Experiment” — unresponsive, distant, present physically but not emotionally? How might it affect a child to grow up in a home where he is consistently unable to connect with a parent?

Perhaps the child would give up and go numb, shut down. Withdraw.

Or perhaps the child would start to act out — throw toys, have a temper tantrum, or cling and wail. Attachment researchers tell us that when people are hungry for connection, even negative attention is better than no attention, and kids can usually find ways to get negative attention!

Practice Self-Care in Order to Connect

Kids tune in to our emotional state. They notice if we’re emotionally absent, even if we’re physically in the room. If I’m depressed, anxious, fearful or stressed, I’ll probably have a harder time connecting with my child. If I’m busy, irritable and exhausted, then I’ll be less responsive to my child. I’ll be less emotionally present. Less engaged.

We need to take care of ourselves so that we will be able to be emotionally present and engaged with our children. For me, when my kids were little, this meant taking time each morning to journal, read and pray. Then I could start the day feeling centered and ready to engage with my family.

Connect in the Midst of Life

My fear in writing these words is that parents will start to feel guilty about any and every time that they are not fully happy and engaged with their children. We don’t have to be perfect, just present. Even with healthy self-care, there will still be times when we are sad, tired or upset. Good self-care involves noticing those feelings and finding ways to cope. Don’t let those feelings escalate to the point where you are overwhelmed and consistently unable to be emotionally present with your kids.

Let’s connect with our kids in the midst of our messy, imperfect real life. Let’s take care of ourselves so that we can connect with them.  Let’s not neglect the crying needs of our own soul to the point that we are physically present, but emotionally shut down, distracted or numb.

Even today, I notice that I connect with the people in my life better when I take the time to care for myself.

So take a deep breath. Ask yourself what you need to do today to take care of your soul, and do it.

And then look your loved ones in the eye and engage with them. Interact with your kids. Be emotionally present. You won’t regret it.

This post is fourth in a series on Self-Care. For Part 1, “The Importance of Self-Care,” click here. For Part 2, “Self-Care and the Unexpected,” click here. For Part 3, “The Case for Self-Care,” click here.

The post One Key Factor in Parenting appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

One side note: This video uses the metaphor of a black dog to represent depression. Please be aware that this is only a metaphor and is in no way intended to make people associate black dogs with depressed moods. In reality, studies consistently show that having a pet helps alleviate feelings of loneliness and depression.

The post Coping with Depression appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Primarily I feel sad that too often relationships end because our fears and our brokenness keep us isolated, keep us hiding, keep us from responding.  We might be afraid that if we say something we’ll just make things worse.  We might be convinced that even if we say something, the other person just won’t understand.  We might feel hopeless, that when we try to say something we won’t say it right.  So we stay silent.  And the gap between us grows.  And our loved one eventually gives up, grieves and walks away.

As a therapist, I see relationships like this all too often in my office.  We call the person who gives up and walks away the “burned out pursuer.”  And sadly, by the time the pursuer has given up, it can be difficult for a couple to reconnect, even with the help of a therapist.

So when I listen to this song, I think, “Don’t let this happen to you!”  If you notice this dynamic in your relationship – this pursue-withdraw dynamic – then don’t wait until the pursuer gives up on even trying to connect.  Seek help before that day.  Say something.

The post “Say Something” appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

You might remember the scene: Jean Valjean, a former prisoner, was running from the law when a kind priest brings him into his home and feeds him. Later that night Jean Valjean goes back to the home, knocks the priest out and steals his silver. The next day Jean is caught and claims the priest gave him the silver. The authorities bring him back to the priest; but instead of having him thrown into jail, the priest states that he did give him the silver and told the authorities that Jean forgot to take the candlesticks as well.

Jean Valjean is in shock. After the authorities leave, the priest asks him to promise to become a new man. Valjean promises and asks, “Why are you doing this?” The priest states, “With this silver I bought your soul. I have ransomed you from fear and hatred. And now I give you back to God.”

That single act of mercy changed Jean Valjean. He became a man of grace and mercy and blessed people for the rest of his life. There is so much more to this story, but I want to stop and focus on this act of mercy.

Could you have given Jean Valjean the silver? Honestly, I don’t know if I could. My natural bent would be a cry for justice, “Jean Valjean needs to learn a lesson.” He should have been grateful for the food the priest had given him.

The priest had a bigger plan in mind. It wasn’t just about being grateful. He wanted the man’s heart to change. He took a risk and expressed an extraordinary act of mercy. God used this action to change a man’s life.

How could this priest take such a risk? There was no guarantee. And so it goes with mercy. When we extend mercy to others there is no guarantee that their heart will change. But it provides a vehicle through which God can work.

The priest knew that Jesus did the same for him. Titus 3:5 says it is not by works of righteousness that we have done, but according to God’s mercy he has saved us. Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross changed the priest’s heart. Luke 6:36 reminds us to “Be merciful, just as your heavenly Father is merciful.”

What kind of world would this be, if we strove to be men and women of mercy? We live in a broken world. It is filled with petty, self-centered behavior that leads to all kinds of injustices. But God calls us to be different. Micah 6:8 says it well: “He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. “

The priest embodied this verse and God changed a man’s life. Mercy is the vehicle to change a heart and allow people, like Jean Valjean, to thrive in a broken world.

The post Thriving in a Broken World appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.