But after the year we’ve all had in 2020, how do we plan for 2021? So much is still uncertain! Now we know that even the best of plans can be completely derailed by circumstances we cannot control.

Six years ago I wrote the following article about the most important goal we can set. I’m reprising it here, as it is very appropriate for a time of a global pandemic and recurring lockdowns. (Read to the end for a timely epilogue.)

Original Blog Post (December 2014):

As this year draws to a close and the new year approaches, our thoughts naturally turn to goals and resolutions. What do we hope to accomplish in this upcoming year? How do we want our lives to change? What are we resolved to do differently?

Much as I love writing goals and making lists, and valuable as New Year’s Resolutions can be, there is one vitally important goal that we must remember during this process, or we will set ourselves up to be frustrated and stressed out this upcoming year. That goal is to become a better person. Or, from a Christian perspective, to become more like Jesus.

The beauty of this goal, and the reason it is the most important goal we can have, is that no matter what comes our way, we can still work toward this goal. Other, lesser goals can be thwarted by circumstances.

If my primary goal is success in my career, for example, an unexpected job loss can devastate me. But if, when that job loss comes my way, I remember that my primary goal is character growth, then during my unemployment, I will focus on developing perseverance, trust in God, and compassion for those worse off than myself.

Our other goals can be good ones: to lose weight, to write a book, to quit smoking, or to eat more dinners together as a family. But we are not in control of situations that can come into our lives and derail those goals. We are broken people who live in a broken world filled with other broken people. There are countless possible hardships that could take us by surprise this coming year.

So when those hard times come, when disaster strikes, when you are wounded and stressed and grieving that you can no longer achieve a goal that was so important to you — at those times, remember that no matter what, you can become a better person. No matter what, you can become more like Christ.

The day before I wrote this, I called my dad. It was his 76th birthday, and I wanted to wish him a happy birthday.

My dad is a mathematician and physicist who has had a very successful career as one of the pioneers in the field of GPS navigation. He retired last year, at the age of 75, and would have liked to spend his newfound free time writing and publishing more scholarly papers. But my mom, his wife of 54 years, has Alzheimer’s. She’s transitioning into the later stages of the disease, and Dad retired because she needed more of his care. Dad is the only person she still recognizes, and she usually functions better when he is around.

When I called Dad last night and wished him a happy birthday, he mentioned that one of my sisters wrote a facebook post that “almost made [him] cry.” My sister wrote:

Dad, All my life I’ve known that I have the smartest Dad ever. And the funniest, because what could be funnier than puns? But watching you care for Mom as her Alzheimer’s gets progressively worse — I now know that I also have the kindest and most loving Dad in the world. Happy Birthday, Ron Hatch! I’m so proud to be your daughter!

Dad and I talked about that, and I told him I was going to be writing about how God’s number one goal for our lives is that we become more like Jesus. Dad agreed. He said that it’s been hard for him to find time to do much writing, that he’s lucky if he can get in an hour of writing a day because of the time it takes to care for Mom. Then he said, “But that [caring for Mom] is what’s most important now.”

My dad’s main goal is not to publish more papers, though he’d like to do that and he has valuable contributions to make. To me, to my sister, and to many, many others who see my dad caring for my mom, Dad is a living example of a person who is becoming a better person even in a very difficult situation.

So as we make our resolutions, as we write out our goals for the year to come, as we reflect and plan, let’s remember that the upcoming year is likely to bring unexpected challenges. We might not be able to achieve our much-desired goals. But no matter what happens, we can become a better person, our character can grow, and we can be made more like Jesus Christ.

Epilogue (December 2020):

My dad died very suddenly in September 2019 — and Mom followed him just nine weeks later. Dad left behind a partially written article for a scientific journal that he’d been laboring over for months. He still had goals he had hoped to achieve and work he left unfinished.

But what Dad didn’t leave undone was the opportunity to love his wife well. He didn’t forget to lean on God for strength. He continued to become more like Christ in becoming ever more tender and patient.

He lived out the truth of Romans 8:28-30 — that God works everything that comes into our lives for our good — because in all circumstances, God is making us more “conformed to the image of His Son” — more like Jesus. Dad remembered God’s number one goal for his life.

No matter what comes in 2021 --
  no matter which of your plans may change,
  no matter how many of your goals are left unfinished,
  no matter what challenges you may face,
May you always remember that God is working for your good
  to make you more and more like Jesus.

The post Your Most Important Goal appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

In a perfect world, everyone would be treated as if we all matter equally. In a perfect micro-world of our family, there would be no “shrinking violet” child who tries to be invisible to avoid the punishment that the outspoken sibling is receiving. There would be no “golden child,” no “troublemaker” or “black sheep” of any family. There would just be children born into the world with unique personalities, emotional expression styles, and varied interests and skills, ones who are talkers, thinkers, musicians, artists, chemists, chefs — and all would know beyond doubt that they matter. No matter what!

In a healing or healthy family, each person feels seen, heard and valued as an irreplaceable part of this community called family. The parents would expect their spouse and their kids to flub up occasionally, and would offer grace and forgiveness and even a conversation about what other choices they might make if that situation happens again. Everyone would feel safe to admit they made a mistake instead of leaving that failure believing they ARE a mistake. They would always feel that they matter and that they are loved even when they are at their worst. Each member of the family would have a strong sense of belonging, each would feel of equal importance and value.

When we see each person we meet as an equal, as a person who we can learn from and can contribute to, then we see what God sees:  people all created in his image just the way he planned. We are not all the same color, size or shape; we don’t all have the same talents or abilities. But we are all cherished by God and lovable. When we treat others as if they matter as much as we matter, then we all feel safe to explore the world and relationships with a confidence that we have value and have something to contribute in this life.

Look at your loved ones this week and just say, “Thank you for saying ‘yes’ to this time together. You mean the world to me.” When you do that, you communicate, “You matter to me, and I’m so glad that I matter to you.“

The post I Matter, You Matter appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Robin Hood was trying to set an environment where people were free to share their burdens and find peace and safety. Isn’t that something we all want? Being able to share our sorrows not only releases our burdens, it empowers us to feel like we aren’t alone.  We have someone who will enter our pain.

God has designed us to be in community.  This inner desire for connections draws us to people. But the fear of being hurt puts us on guard. When we share areas that are vulnerable, we can be easily crushed.

Intellectually, we know about the medical benefits of sharing our troubles, but fear holds us back.  We feel stuck. Will people really understand our pain? Will they judge me? Will they dismiss my pain and quote a Bible verse?

Until we boldly confront the fears we want to avoid, those fears will control our lives. Being able to share our pain is vital to recovery. The cautionary tale from the Sherwood Forest is finding someone who is safe.  When we share with the wrong person we are crushed. Who is safe? How do we become safe people? Here are some qualities of a safe person:

They listen.  (James 1:19)

• That doesn’t mean just being quiet when someone is talking.
• It is being engaged, asking questions. (See my post on The Art of Listening for details.)

They are humble.  (Philippians 2:3-4)

• We need to recognize we are all broken and are in need of a Savior.
• A safe person is self-aware. They don’t think of themselves as having it all together.  They are aware of their own weaknesses and thus willing to serve. (See my post on Self-Awareness)

They express heartfelt compassion.  (Colossians 3:12)

• They reflect back both the content of your words and the emotions behind them.

They are willing to give gentle honest feedback.  (2 Timothy 2:25)

• We don’t need people just agreeing with us. We need people who will listen and gently ask questions that help us think through issues.
• We don’t need someone lecturing at us.
• It is not about making a point; it is about making a difference.

They are there through the pain.  (Romans 12:15)

• Sometimes we feel inadequate to help others.  We are afraid of saying the wrong thing. One of the most loving things we can do for others is being there — sitting with them, giving them a shoulder to cry on, a hug.

We all long for a Sherwood Forest experience.  However, there are many dangers in the forest. Not everyone is a Robin Hood. We need to choose wisely before we share our pain.

I encourage you to examine the five characteristics above.  Do they describe you? Are there areas you need to work on? God has called his church to be this type of community. Too often we fall short. We are all in process. Let’s strive to be the type of community who welcomes those in pain.

If you are in pain, choose wisely who you share with. Please feel free to contact us at Restore and Rebuild.  We would love to walk with you through your journey.

The post Safety in the Sherwood Forest: A Cautionary Tale appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Scientists tell us that in those times of intense stress, a part of our brain called the amygdala gets triggered, and we shift into “fight, flight or freeze” mode. It’s what we’re wired to do when confronted with threats: adrenaline flows through our system, and we either attack the threat, run away from the threat, or freeze like a deer in the headlights. Our stress response floods the thinking parts of our brain — such as the prefrontal cortex — which are slower to assess threats and respond. We can’t think straight.

In those times when I’m the most stressed, I pull out my “Damage Control Tool” — four statements that help contain my reaction and calm me down. I take a few deep breaths, then say these words out loud. I adapted these phrases from Laurel Mellin, author of the book “Wired for Joy.”

1) Don’t Make It Worse

The first thing to tell yourself is, “Don’t make it worse.” Most of us know what behaviors we do when stressed that end up making things worse. Remind yourself: Don’t. Don’t have another drink. Don’t say things you’ll regret later. Don’t quit your job. Don’t finish off all the ice cream. Don’t go on facebook to see what your ex-boyfriend is doing now.

Your goal in this step is to minimize the harm. Contain the damage. Don’t make it worse.

2) Do Not Judge (Self or Others)

We tend to think in black-and-white terms when we’re triggered. The parts of our brain responsible for higher-level thinking such as evaluation and strategizing are not functioning effectively. So we start to judge. We say things to ourselves like, “He’s such a jerk!” or “I can’t believe I said that — I’m an idiot!” We judge ourselves and we judge others.

Do not judge. This is not the time to evaluate the situation. Evaluate it later, when you’re not feeling so overwhelmed. Right now, tell yourself, “It is what it is.” Let it go.

3) Know This Will Pass

In this step, tell yourself that this will pass. It won’t always be this bad. You’ve been in difficult situations before, and you’ve gotten through them. It won’t stay this stressful forever. You will find a way to cope. Know this will pass.

4) One Step At A Time

When in stress response, we tend to make poor decisions. This is not the time to think about the next year of your life, the next month, or even the next day. Just ask yourself, “What’s the next step? What should I do right now?” And then go do it. Take that one step. Then decide what the next step should be and do it. At this point, you don’t need to think beyond the present. Anything beyond the present feels overwhelming. Just take one step at a time.

These four simple statements have helped many of my clients to greatly improve their response to stress. It’s helped those who have lost a loved one to make it through the intense grief. It’s helped bulimics to stop binge eating, couples to stop fighting, and worriers to stop panicking.

The Damage Control Tool doesn’t solve long-term problems that create stress in our lives. But it does provide containment so that we will be able to solve those problems.

So when your life gets crazy, remember these four phrases. You won’t regret it.

*For another take on the Damage Control Tool, see my sister’s post on her blog, written about a year ago.

The post 4 Things to Say to Yourself When Life Gets Crazy appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

It often seems like I live my life by another prayer, one that goes something like, “God, please bless my attempts to control the things I cannot change.”

What would it be like to serenely accept the things I cannot change? How can I learn to let go?

1)  Get Clear About What You Can’t Change

If we’re trying to accept things we can’t change, then we first need to clarify what we can’t change. What are those things that we can’t control, no matter how hard we try? What are things we can’t change?

• Most things about other people. We can’t make other people change.  We can’t make them change their decisions, their feelings, their opinions, their habits, their personality, or their preferences. We might be able to influence them, to a greater or lesser degree, but most aspects of other people fall into the “can’t change” category.
• The past. We can’t change the past. No matter how much we regret our past choices, no matter how bitter we feel about past hurts, no matter how painful our past losses, we can’t change them.
• Some things about ourselves. While there are things about ourselves we can change, other aspects of ourselves are just the way we were born. There are many things we can’t change about our looks, our health, our personality and our aptitudes.
• Some circumstances. In any given situation, there are some things we can’t change. We can’t change big things like natural disasters, wars, or the economy. We can’t change small things, like a flat tire on the way to work, how much homework our kids are assigned, or the cost of a movie ticket.
• The fact that we have limits. Often the hardest things to accept are our own limits. We want to see it all, to do it all, to achieve our dreams. My to do list for the day often has more items than any one person could possibly accomplish in a single day. Why do I expect that of myself? Because I have a hard time accepting my own limits.

2)  Examine the Reasons You Try to Control

Why do we constantly try to control things that we can’t? Why is letting go so difficult?

We try to control because letting go is terrifying. We are afraid of feeling powerless. We don’t want to be a victim.

We try to control because we think that if we can just make this other person change, or if we can just somehow make ourselves perfect, then our problems will be solved. We’ll finally be happy, everyone will love us, we’ll have it made.

We try to control our loved ones because somehow we bought into the belief that love means having an agenda for someone else’s life. I want you to change because I care about you. I nag you because I love you.

We try to control our kids because when they were young they needed us to manage their lives, and as they’ve grown, we haven’t adjusted. Maybe we’re afraid that if they don’t need us to manage their lives, then we won’t have a place in their lives.

We try to control in order to get our own needs met. If I can just make people like me, if I’m good enough or nice enough, then I’ll feel loved. If I accomplish my impossible to do list, then I’ll feel successful.

We try to control because we’re driven by anxiety. We are afraid of what we can’t control. We constantly expect disaster, and we micromanage to try to stave it off.

We try to control because letting go feels like giving up. We don’t want to accept what we cannot change. We fear that letting go means we might never get what we want, and then we would have to grieve.

We try to control because deep down it’s hard to believe that God really cares, that he’s holding us in his hands. We think somehow it’s all up to us.

Benefits of Letting Go

Letting go is difficult, but as we do it, we experience:

• less anxiety
• lighter burdens
• more energy to focus on the things we can change
• increased trust in God
• greater maturity

My next blog post will give more thoughts on learning to let go.

The post Letting Go, Part One appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Every spiritual journey takes us to the hardest realities in our lives, the monsters within us, our shadows and strongholds, our willful flesh, our inner demons.  It is essential that we understand the enemies within us or we will inevitably project them outward on to other people.”  – Peter Scazzero in The Emotionally Healthy Church

We all have blind spots. Our lack of self-awareness can cause us to offend, run over and alienate people we love. They react to what we say and we have no clue why.  We get defensive, and the battle is on.  Both parties are wounded and emotional walls go up and we are left wondering, “What just happened?”

Self-awareness helps us understand and manage our emotions. It gives us a greater capacity for social awareness and empathy.  It is a critical building block for enhancing our relationships. Today we are going to take a brief look at what it is and how we can develop our own self-awareness.

Self-awareness is that ability to know what we are thinking, feeling, wanting, doing, and what triggers strong emotional reactions.  It sounds easy, but it’s not.  With the hectic pace of life we are frequently unaware of what is going on inside.  Like the tide, the demands of life keep coming and we don’t take the time to reflect. We remain clueless.

We are warned in Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”  In order to guard your heart, you need to know it.  Our emotions provide a window to peer into our soul. In some Christian circles, emotions are ignored. Emotions are too messy.  They can get us in trouble. “Just give me the facts. Emotions aren’t to be trusted.”

Here is a little exercise.  What do you think these words are describing?

Compassion, anger, deep distress, amazed, indignant, love, hunger, troubled, overwhelmed with sorrow.  Have a guess?

They are the emotions of Jesus as described in the book of Mark.  If our Savior expressed emotions, then clearly emotions are an essential part of the human experience. The more we are aware of our own emotions, the more skilled we will be at reading the emotions of others.  This awareness can lead us to empathetic responses and create closer relationships.

If you want to develop greater self-awareness, here are few things to consider:

Humility

It starts with humility. We are reminded in Proverbs 11:2, “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”  Humility helps us acknowledge that we all have blind spots and weaknesses. It will open our hearts to honest feedback.

Feedback

It can be dangerous when we begin to “believe our own press clippings.” Accolades are nice, but they can make us blind to our weaknesses. We need to find safe people who will share the truth with us.  We have a tendency to surround ourselves with people who will just say what we want to hear.  But if we are going to grow in self-awareness we need to find people who are safe, gracious and willing to give us honest feedback. Here are some questions to ask:

• What are my strengths?
• What are my areas of immaturity?
• What have you observed triggers strong reactions in me?
• When my buttons get pushed, how do I tend to react?
• How have you seen me push other people’s buttons?

If you listen to their responses, you will become more aware of your weaknesses and triggers. This will enable you to strategize ways to respond when you sense your buttons are pushed.

Reflection

Hardships can evoke powerful and painful emotions. Our unwillingness to face and reflect on the pain will prevent us from learning and growing.  It is wise to follow Peter Scazzero’s counsel, “It is essential that we understand the enemies within us or we will inevitably project them outward on to other people.”

Journaling is a powerful tool that can provide insights into our life. Reflecting on what we are feeling, thinking, and desiring not only provides self-awareness but health benefits. Research has found when people write about their feelings they are able to lower heart rate and blood pressure.

Perspective Taking

Perspective taking means asking ourselves, “If I were in their shoes what would I feel, think or do?” Too often we are just reacting to what people say and do.  We need to slow down and ask these questions. As we learn to put ourselves in other people’s shoes, our awareness will be heightened. We will become more empathetic and thus strengthen our bonds of friendship.

The post Self-Awareness and How We Impact People appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Research backs this up. Dr. Stephen Porges, a researcher at the University of North Carolina, found that when people feel heard, the body calms down, they feel safe, and they become more creative and more engaged in connecting with others.

Scripture and research both confirm we need to listen better. How do we listen and help others feel heard?

1.  Attentiveness

Attentiveness seems to be a lost art in the modern world.   Everywhere we look, there’s a screen in our face: phone, computer, TV, ipad.  There is so much happening around us. No wonder people question whether we are listening to them.

When Becky and I do seminars on communication, we have people pair off and try a listening exercise. First, one person talks for 60 seconds while the other person doesn’t pay attention — they look away, make no eye contact, or play with their phone.  One minute seems like an eternity.  The one who is talking  feels frustrated and wants to give up.

Then we switch. One person speaks and this time the other works at attending: they make eye contact, nod the head, lean in, and ask questions with warmth and interest. The same 60 seconds fly by. The conversation is energized. Both people are engaged in the conversation and want to keep talking.

Likewise when we are talking with our  friends, co-workers, or spouse we need to give them our undivided attention. It helps them feel like we are engaged in the conversation.  It makes them feel heard.

2.  Validation

Validation is communicating that the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and perspectives are worthy of being listened to.

Examples of validation include:

• “That was insightful, I appreciate …”
• “I think I’d feel the same way if I were in your shoes.”
• “That’s understandable.”

Too often we invalidate. Here are ways that people invalidate others and some examples:

• Changing the subject without really responding

Wife:  Hey, sweetie, when I went for a walk today down by the beach, I saw some dolphins!  It was so cool!

Husband:  The Padres made a great trade today.

• Ignoring the emotional content

Wife: I had such a hard day, so I got a late start on cooking dinner.  But it will be ready in 10 minutes.

Husband: It better be ready, I have an important meeting tonight.

• Belittling

Husband:  Man, things have been so intense at work.  I need a break. I wish we could get away.

Wife: You need a break, try being at home with four kids!

Other ways we invalidate include:

• Trying to cheer them up by talking about something else
• Sarcasm
• Name calling or labeling
• Attributing the viewpoint to something else – “Oh, you’re just tired” or “You only think that because you saw on the Internet”

What if you disagree with other person’s point of view? This brings us to our next skill.

3.  Exploring

When we don’t understand someone’s point of view or it seems wrong or foolish, what do we do?  The key is to explore the topic. Ask questions like:

• What do you mean by that?
• Can you tell me more? Help me understand.
• How did you come to that conclusion?
• Have you considered…?

When we are exploring by asking these questions, we are seeking to understand, not trying to prove our point.

Our tone is critical when we ask questions. Dr. Porges’ research showed that a calm voice is soothing to the listener, and creates a sense of safety and people are more engaging.

Asking some of these same questions with a harsh tone will put people on the defensive. When we hear harsh tones, the research showed that the brain sends a message to the body to protect itself. The middle ear closes down and people don’t hear all the words we are saying. We literally have a harder time listening when we are upset. So when we say, “You aren’t listening to me!!!” — it’s more true than we realize.  There is great wisdom in Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Listening is critical for creating emotional safety and warmth in our relationships.  What areas do you need to work on: attending, validating or exploring?

The post The Art of Listening appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Much as I love writing goals and making lists, and valuable as New Year’s Resolutions can be, there is one vitally important goal that we must remember during this process, or we will set ourselves up to be frustrated and stressed out this upcoming year. That goal is to become a better person. Or, from a Christian perspective, to become more like Jesus.

The beauty of this goal, and the reason it is the most important goal we can have, is that no matter what comes our way, we can still work toward this goal. Other, lesser goals can be thwarted by circumstances.

If my primary goal is success in my career, for example, an unexpected job loss can devastate me. But if, when that job loss comes my way, I remember that my primary goal is character growth, then during my unemployment, I will focus on developing perseverance, trust in God, and compassion for those worse off than myself.

Our other goals can be good ones:  to lose weight, to write a book, to quit smoking, or to eat more dinners together as a family. But we are not in control of situations that can come into our lives and derail those goals. We are broken people who live in a broken world filled with other broken people.  There are countless possible hardships that could take us by surprise this coming year.

So when those hard times come, when disaster strikes, when you are wounded and stressed and grieving that you can no longer achieve a goal that was so important to you — at those times, remember that no matter what, you can become a better person. No matter what,  you can become more like Christ.

The day before I wrote this, I called my dad. It was his 76th birthday, and I wanted to wish him a happy birthday.

My dad is a mathematician and physicist who has had a very successful career as one of the pioneers in the field of GPS navigation. He retired last year, at the age of 75, and would have liked to spend his newfound free time writing and publishing more scholarly papers. But my mom, his wife of 54 years, has Alzheimer’s. She’s transitioning into the later stages of the disease, and Dad retired because she needed more of his care. Dad is the only person she still recognizes, and she usually functions better when he is around.

When I called Dad last night and wished him a happy birthday, he mentioned that one of my sisters wrote a facebook post that “almost made [him] cry.” My sister wrote:

Dad, All my life I’ve known that I have the smartest Dad ever. And the funniest, because what could be funnier than puns? But watching you care for Mom as her Alzheimer’s gets progressively worse — I now know that I also have the kindest and most loving Dad in the world. Happy Birthday, Ron Hatch! I’m so proud to be your daughter!

Dad and I talked about that, and I told him I was going to be writing about how God’s number one goal for our lives is that we become more like Jesus. Dad agreed. He said that it’s been hard for him to find time to do much writing, that he’s lucky if he can get in an hour of writing a day because of the time it takes to care for Mom. Then he said, “But that [caring for Mom] is what’s most important now.”

My dad’s main goal is not to publish more papers, though he’d like to do that and he has valuable contributions to make. To me, to my sister, and to many, many others who see my dad caring for my mom, Dad is a living example of a person who is becoming a better person even in a very difficult situation.

So as we make our resolutions, as we write out our goals for the year to come, as we reflect and plan, let’s remember that the upcoming year is likely to bring unexpected challenges. We might not be able to achieve our much-desired goals. But no matter what happens, we can become a better person, our character can grow, and we can be made more like Jesus Christ.

The post Your Most Important Goal appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Stage 1 — CAREGIVER

Newborns require round-the-clock care.  Feeding, changing, feeding, rocking, feeding, bathing…  Parenting a baby means caregiving.  Your duties as a Caregiver are to be attentive to your baby’s needs and meet them.

Caregiving can be draining.  Parents in this stage have to make sure they don’t neglect their own needs and their needs as a couple.

However, if there are no developmental issues, this time-intensive stage is also the shortest stage.  By age four, the typical child no longer needs a parent to help her go potty or get dressed.

Stage 2 — MANAGER

As children grow, so does their involvement with the world around them.  They go to school, they play games, they make friends.  They explore their interests and express their own likes and dislikes.

In this stage, parents are Managers.  Parents make many decisions for their child:  what food he eats, how he spends his time, and even, to a large degree, who his friends are.

Good Manager-Parents support and encourage their child’s efforts to do things for herself.  They spend time with their child and enjoy her.  They know her well, and take her input into account when making decisions that affect her.

And over time, they turn more and more of those decisions over to their child to pave the way for a smooth transition into the next stage.

Stage 3 — COACH

When our children become adolescents, our role changes again.  Teens need parents who realize that their job is to stay on the sidelines rather than to run out onto the field and grab the ball.

Good coaches know their players.  They understand their strengths and weaknesses.  They structure practices and drills to help their players improve.  They give a lot of encouragement and foster positive team spirit.  They don’t berate players for their mistakes; they help players to analyze mistakes in order to learn from them.  They realize that when the time comes, when the game is on, the player is the one on the spot who has to make the call, and they trust their players with that responsibility.

It can be difficult for parents to transition from being a hands-on Manager to being a Coach.  It means that instead of enforcing a set bedtime, for example, we help our teen to figure out how much sleep he needs to function well and how he can structure his schedule so that he gets that amount of sleep fairly consistently.  Remember, in this stage our goal is training them so that when they are adults, they can manage their lives well on their own.

Stage 4 — CONSULTANT

As children enter their last years of high school and start to leave the nest, the parents’ role transitions to that of a Consultant.

Consultant-Parents realize that the direction of their kids’ lives is up to them, not up to the parents.  They love and support their adult children, and seek to continue to connect with them, but don’t try to manage or coach them.  This is the opposite of the hovering “Helicopter Parents” who constantly check up on their adult children and shower them with unwanted advice. In this stage, we as parents learn to trust that when our kids feel that they need our input, they will come to us.

This stage isn’t too difficult for most parents when their children are thriving and making choices that parents agree with, but it can be very challenging when we see our kids struggling or making poor choices.  In those times, we parents have to learn hard lessons of how to let go and trust God with our children.

As I look back on the years that Dave and I have been parents, I see that each stage of parenting had its own joys and challenges.  When we were in the middle of parenting, I wasn’t always aware of the ways that my role was changing, but in hindsight I see these four stages. And I feel grateful for each one.

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