But after the year we’ve all had in 2020, how do we plan for 2021? So much is still uncertain! Now we know that even the best of plans can be completely derailed by circumstances we cannot control.

Six years ago I wrote the following article about the most important goal we can set. I’m reprising it here, as it is very appropriate for a time of a global pandemic and recurring lockdowns. (Read to the end for a timely epilogue.)

Original Blog Post (December 2014):

As this year draws to a close and the new year approaches, our thoughts naturally turn to goals and resolutions. What do we hope to accomplish in this upcoming year? How do we want our lives to change? What are we resolved to do differently?

Much as I love writing goals and making lists, and valuable as New Year’s Resolutions can be, there is one vitally important goal that we must remember during this process, or we will set ourselves up to be frustrated and stressed out this upcoming year. That goal is to become a better person. Or, from a Christian perspective, to become more like Jesus.

The beauty of this goal, and the reason it is the most important goal we can have, is that no matter what comes our way, we can still work toward this goal. Other, lesser goals can be thwarted by circumstances.

If my primary goal is success in my career, for example, an unexpected job loss can devastate me. But if, when that job loss comes my way, I remember that my primary goal is character growth, then during my unemployment, I will focus on developing perseverance, trust in God, and compassion for those worse off than myself.

Our other goals can be good ones: to lose weight, to write a book, to quit smoking, or to eat more dinners together as a family. But we are not in control of situations that can come into our lives and derail those goals. We are broken people who live in a broken world filled with other broken people. There are countless possible hardships that could take us by surprise this coming year.

So when those hard times come, when disaster strikes, when you are wounded and stressed and grieving that you can no longer achieve a goal that was so important to you — at those times, remember that no matter what, you can become a better person. No matter what, you can become more like Christ.

The day before I wrote this, I called my dad. It was his 76th birthday, and I wanted to wish him a happy birthday.

My dad is a mathematician and physicist who has had a very successful career as one of the pioneers in the field of GPS navigation. He retired last year, at the age of 75, and would have liked to spend his newfound free time writing and publishing more scholarly papers. But my mom, his wife of 54 years, has Alzheimer’s. She’s transitioning into the later stages of the disease, and Dad retired because she needed more of his care. Dad is the only person she still recognizes, and she usually functions better when he is around.

When I called Dad last night and wished him a happy birthday, he mentioned that one of my sisters wrote a facebook post that “almost made [him] cry.” My sister wrote:

Dad, All my life I’ve known that I have the smartest Dad ever. And the funniest, because what could be funnier than puns? But watching you care for Mom as her Alzheimer’s gets progressively worse — I now know that I also have the kindest and most loving Dad in the world. Happy Birthday, Ron Hatch! I’m so proud to be your daughter!

Dad and I talked about that, and I told him I was going to be writing about how God’s number one goal for our lives is that we become more like Jesus. Dad agreed. He said that it’s been hard for him to find time to do much writing, that he’s lucky if he can get in an hour of writing a day because of the time it takes to care for Mom. Then he said, “But that [caring for Mom] is what’s most important now.”

My dad’s main goal is not to publish more papers, though he’d like to do that and he has valuable contributions to make. To me, to my sister, and to many, many others who see my dad caring for my mom, Dad is a living example of a person who is becoming a better person even in a very difficult situation.

So as we make our resolutions, as we write out our goals for the year to come, as we reflect and plan, let’s remember that the upcoming year is likely to bring unexpected challenges. We might not be able to achieve our much-desired goals. But no matter what happens, we can become a better person, our character can grow, and we can be made more like Jesus Christ.

Epilogue (December 2020):

My dad died very suddenly in September 2019 — and Mom followed him just nine weeks later. Dad left behind a partially written article for a scientific journal that he’d been laboring over for months. He still had goals he had hoped to achieve and work he left unfinished.

But what Dad didn’t leave undone was the opportunity to love his wife well. He didn’t forget to lean on God for strength. He continued to become more like Christ in becoming ever more tender and patient.

He lived out the truth of Romans 8:28-30 — that God works everything that comes into our lives for our good — because in all circumstances, God is making us more “conformed to the image of His Son” — more like Jesus. Dad remembered God’s number one goal for his life.

No matter what comes in 2021 --
  no matter which of your plans may change,
  no matter how many of your goals are left unfinished,
  no matter what challenges you may face,
May you always remember that God is working for your good
  to make you more and more like Jesus.

The post Your Most Important Goal appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

If you are experiencing these feelings and frustrations, you are not alone. I have talked with so many people who are struggling. If you take a casual stroll through social media you will see many sarcastic memes articulating these frustrations. 

One such meme depicts a little girl sitting with her mom. The little girl asked: “Mom, am I adopted?” Mom: “Honey, I just put the advertisement out yesterday.” 

Ouch!  We are struggling. Our normal coping methods don’t seem to be working. What can we do? My last blog post focused on developing healthy relationships at home. This week, we turn our attention to what is going on inside us.

We Need to Create Space for Ourselves

Creating space for ourselves is easier said than done. But it is vital to help us cope and deal with our inner struggles. Here are a variety of ideas for you to think about. Try the ones that seem to fit you and your schedule.

Prepare your Heart for the Day

Being stuck at home during this pandemic can feel like “Groundhog Day.” “Here we go again.”  Our joy has been robbed. To help me prepare for the day, I take a few minutes each day to read, reflect, journal, and pray through Philippians 4:4-9:

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice! Let everyone see your gentleness. The Lord is near!  Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things. And what you learned and received and heard and saw in me, do these things. And the God of peace will be with you.

I let these words penetrate my heart and call me to action. I find that they center me.  This passage reminds me to be gentle to others. I think through and write out ways I can be gentle today. When I am feeling anxious, I remind myself that God is near and I can bring my struggles to him. I examine my thinking and ask myself, “What am I thinking about? Am I focusing on things that are true, respectful, just, pure, etc.?”

Taking a few minutes to start the day in God’s word, prayer, and/or journaling can help calm our heart and steer us in a healthy direction.

Fill Your Tank

We need to accept that our schedules are not going to be what they used to be.  We need to readjust our schedule and make sure we include times throughout the week to fill our tanks. We need to find space to go for a walk, run, work out, take a nap, draw, paint, do a craft, organize the garage, fill in the blank. Winston Churchill suggested that to find refreshment we need to do something that is the opposite of what we normally do.

My normal has changed. What I used to do for refreshment was to go to the gym — currently not an option. So I changed my workout routine. Honestly, not as fun but still refreshing. I love photography and working with my photos on the computer. However, since COVID-19, I am spending 12 hours a day on a screen in meetings or counseling; so the idea of getting back on my computer is not as appealing. I am experimenting with new ways to express my creativity. Take some time this week to think through what you can do for yourself to fill your tank.

Learn How to Go to the “Top of the Stadium” to Get Perspective

If you have ever been to a college football game, you might remember what happens at halftime – the band comes on the field. Imagine if you went to a college game for the first time and you wandered onto the field at halftime. As you walked around the field you would have no idea what was happening. People would be marching right toward you with instruments blaring and just when you think they are going walk all over you, they turn and start to march away only to have them turn and come at you again. You have no idea what is going on. What they’re doing makes no sense!

However, if you were to find your way to the top of the stadium, you would have a different perspective.  You would see the band marching with amazing precision, making intricate designs as they boldly play their instruments.

When the frustrations inside us build, we feel like we are on the field. We aren’t sure where these emotions are coming from or where they will take us. We need to learn to press pause and go to the top of the stadium to get some perspective. We need to ask ourselves:  What am I feeling? What is this about? In order for us to get perspective, we need to get a clear picture of what is happening. Then we can respond.  Our tendency is to be reactive, like we are on the field with the marching band. The next time you feel the tension building, I encourage you to use this word picture.  Take a moment to pause and go to the top of the stadium to help you get perspective before you respond.

Make Peace with Your Past

Our past experiences can cloud our vision. Maybe we grew up with parents who were harsh and judgmental, so we react to any form of criticism. Or maybe our parents weren’t around much or were dismissive, so we feel hurt when someone might legitimately want some space to sort out their thoughts. The examples are endless, but I know you want this blog post to end soon, so I will sum up. When you are consistently feeling overwhelmed or your emotions are disproportionate to the situation, you may not have made peace with your past. Your emotions from your past may still be haunting you. You need to ask yourself, “How much of this experience is about what is going on inside of me versus what the other person is doing?” Everyone is impacted by their past. Sometimes we might need help sorting it out.

These are unusual times, and our past ways of dealing with challenges may not be working. I encourage you to try some of these ideas out. If you are still struggling, don’t be afraid to reach out to a friend, a pastor or counselor. We are not meant to go through life alone.

The post Coping with COVID-19: Dealing with Internal Struggles appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

As I have been talking with people during this crisis I have found that these mounting pressures tend to trigger our personal struggles. We tend to fall back into unhealthy coping patterns like disengaging from others or over engaging by relentlessly crossing personal boundaries. Frustrations are building.

What can we do to have healthier responses and build a better functioning home life?

First you need to understand, you don’t have to be perfect to be a good father, mother, roommate or child. Some of the ideas I am going to share with you, you won’t be perfect at. You will need to repair when you blow it. (We will talk more about that in a bit.)

Safety – Emotional and Physical

Being stuck at home is hard on everyone. The way we engage others will determine how safe the environment is. If there is a lot of yelling, screaming, physical altercations, or even lack of engagement people don’t feel safe. We need to pay attention to our tone. Our tone goes a long way in creating a place where people feel safe.

(If you are struggling with your tone you will need to take time for self-reflection to help you understand what is going on inside of you so you can make sense of your own narrative. I will say more about this next week.)

Helping people feel seen and heard will help people feel safe.

Seen & Heard

When we are all cooped up in the same home and no one really notices you or interacts with you, it leaves you feeling like you don’t matter. No one cares. Yes, it is possible for you to live with a group of people and feel isolated, alone or abandoned.  We need to engage others. We need to notice what others are doing and ask them how they are feeling. This is true for everyone, but especially true for you parents out there.

Side note to parents: Developmentally our kids don’t have the same capacities to comprehend what COVID-19 is and why we have to stay at home. Many of our kids feel bored and don’t know how to cope with all this extra time. That is why many of them will act out — and it is driving us crazy! Trying to develop a basic schedule for this COVID season will help bring some normalcy to your life.  It is critical that you pay attention to their emotions and help them process them.

A healthy way to engage others (adults or children) is what I call the avenue of communication: “A.V.E.”

Acknowledge:

When we are talking to others we need to seek to understand them by acknowledging what they are saying. You can do that by using the skill of reflective listening – putting in your own words what you heard the other person say.

Validate:

Then it is important to validate their emotions. It might go like: “When I said _____, it made you feel _____.” Or: “You’re feeling really bored because ______.”  People often don’t feel heard until you understand how they feel.

Explore:

This is a point in the conversation for you to ask questions to clarify what they are feeling or help them think through the issue. Your tone will be critical. We aren’t trying to interrogate, rather, we are trying to understand. You could ask questions like: “What did you mean by_____?”  “Interesting, how did you come to that conclusion?”  “Have you considered…?”  Again, the goal is understanding the other person.

Comfort by Connecting

When we are dealing with a crisis we need to expect people won’t always respond well. We need to learn to comfort others by “connecting before you correct/clarify.” When someone is upset or angry we need to remember there is usually pain driving the anger.  For many of us, our tendency is to correct first and then maybe try to smooth things over. When we first seek to comfort by connecting (see AVE), people tend to feel heard and we can deescalate tense moments. When people are struggling they need to be seen and heard before they can make a change.

Consistent

Being consistent in our responses by acknowledging, validating, exploring and comforting — instead of reacting — is going to create a healthy environment.

Repair

We are going to blow it. The floor of our bandwidth has been raised. We are going to fail. That doesn’t mean you are a total failure. It means you’re human!  When we fail we need to repair. Eph. 4:32 states, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

We need to own our mistakes and ask for forgiveness. We need to acknowledge how we have hurt the other person.  We need to accept the consequences and alter our behavior. I will often employ the “AVE” of communication in this conversation.

When we work at repairing, it communicates that we care. It helps us create a safe and healthy environment.

Take some time today to reflect on your interactions at home. Which of these areas do you need to work on?  How can you become more effective at acknowledging, validating, and exploring with others? As you grow in these skills your relationships will flourish even in the midst of this COVID season.

The post Coping with COVID-19: Developing Healthy Relationships at Home appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

PRAY WHAT?

Psalm 35 falls into the category of psalms known as “imprecatory psalms.”  Imprecatory psalms are ones in which the author calls down judgment on his enemies. 

For example, the first three verses of Psalm 35 read:

Contend, O LORD, with those who contend with me;
     fight against those who fight against me.
Take up shield and buckler;
     arise and come to my aid.
Brandish spear and javelin
     against those who pursue me.
Say to my soul,
     "I am your salvation."

Imprecatory psalms can be difficult for us to relate to.  King David had actual people trying to kill him; it makes sense that he would pray for God’s protection and intervention against his enemies.  However, most of us don’t have enemies out to get us, so it seems odd for us to pray, for example, “May those who seek my life be disgraced and put to shame.”  (Psalm 35:4)

Yet the Psalms are meant to be prayed by God’s people.  Even these imprecatory psalms are there for a reason; they are intended to guide us as we pray.  How can we pray against enemies in this day and age?

1) PRAY on behalf of others

One answer:  Pray on behalf of people who DO have enemies.  Pray these words with persecuted Christians in mind.  As I have done this with Psalm 35 these past weeks, the words of the Psalm have taken on new depth of meaning for me.

I have prayed for a Chinese pastor who is currently in prison for his faith, “Vindicate [him] in your righteousness, O LORD my God; do not let them gloat over [him.]” (Psalm 35:24)

I have prayed for Christians who attend churches that have been bombed by Muslim terrorists:  “O LORD, you have seen this; be not silent. Do not be far from [them], O Lord. Awake, and rise to [their] defense! Contend for [them], my God and Lord.” (Psalm 35:22-23)

As part of my own healing process, I used to regularly pray Psalm 10 on behalf of victims of sexual abuse everywhere.  It is a passionate prayer for the helpless and oppressed, a powerful prayer against abusers.

If you don’t have any actual physical enemies in your life right now, people who are trying to silence you, oppress you, and threaten your life, that’s wonderful!  Thank God for that!  And then lift up these prayers on behalf of people who DO need God’s intervention and protection.

2)  PRAY against the enemies of your soul

As believers, we might not have actual people who are fighting against us, but we do have enemies.  The enemies of our souls can be temptations, can be negative emotions, or can be evil, demonic forces.  As we pray Psalm 35 or other imprecatory psalms, we can pray in a very personal way against these enemies of our soul.

It’s been eight weeks now since my father unexpectedly passed away.  I’m grieving.  I’m also facing new, overwhelming responsibilities as executor of my dad’s will and holder of durable power of attorney for my mom. 

I’ve noticed some enemies of my soul cropping up during these weeks.  The therapist in me likes to call them “maladaptive coping strategies.”  But from God’s perspective, reluctant though I am to admit it, I think they’re more appropriately called “sins.” 

So as I’ve been praying through Psalm 35, I’ve been praying against these soul-enemies.  I pray that in my grieving God would protect me from despair.  I pray against escapism, against ways I seek to avoid hard tasks or distract myself.

The last part of verse three has resonated with me, where the psalmist asks God to, “Say to my soul, ‘I am your salvation.’”

God IS my salvation.  In the middle of grief over my dad’s death, God keeps reminding my soul that he is my salvation and hope.

In the middle of overwhelmingly long and complex tasks regarding my dad’s estate, God keeps reminding my soul that he is my salvation and strength. 

He is my rescue.  He is my guide.  He cares for my soul.

He is a personal God who sees the struggles we face and who fights on our side against enemies of our souls.  May Psalm 35 remind you of that today.

The post Praying Psalm 35 appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Most parents expect that once their children have been raised and are young adults, the family will smoothly transition into the “empty nest” stage. The kids will be living on their own — away at college, working, living with roommates, eventually getting married and starting families of their own — and the parents will enjoy some well-earned freedom, and everyone will live happily ever after.

Reality can come as a bit of a surprise.

The truth is that most families don’t move seamlessly from their youngest child’s graduation from high school straight into the empty nest. A recent analysis by the Pew Research Center found that in 2014, 32% of adults aged 18-32 were living in their parents’ home.

Having your young adult children living in your house brings a unique set of parenting challenges. How do we navigate this unexpected stage of life? What can we do as parents to ease the stress of our kids moving back into our home? How can we have good relationships with our young adult children even when they’re living in our house?

1)  Be Compassionate

For most young adults, living with their parents is not their first choice. Maybe your daughter is finding it harder to get a job than she thought it would be. Maybe your son just went through a painful divorce and needs a place to stay for a while. Maybe the economy has made it hard for your married daughter and her husband to afford a home, and they’ve asked to live with you while they save for a down payment.

When it’s difficult sharing your home with your young adult children, remind yourself that it’s probably difficult for them too, that it’s probably not what they had hoped for. Get in touch with a sense of compassion, express your empathy and support. It will mean a lot to them.

2)  Be a Consultant

My husband and I see our roles as parents in four stages: Caregiver, Manager, Coach, and then Consultant. When our children are young adults, it’s time to stop coaching them and step into the role of a consultant.

A consultant doesn’t offer advice unless it’s asked for. Consultants earn their position by their wisdom and experience. Your young adult children ask for your input when they know that you care about them and understand them, and when they value your perspective.

In order to stay in your consultant role when your young adult children are living in your home, have a conversation with your kids. Let them know that at this stage in life, you respect their right to make their own decisions. Tell them that you are available and willing to help, but will do your best to wait until asked.

Then don’t offer unsolicited advice on how to get a job or how to treat a girlfriend. Give your children space to truly become adults. Let them manage their own lives.

Stepping into the consultant role — and staying there — is far more difficult when your adult children are living in your house. This is partly because in addition to being their parent, you are also now their landlord and their roommate. Which bring us to the next point…

3)  Clarify Boundaries

In order to minimize conflicts with your young adult children who are living in your home, it’s crucial to discuss expectations. Good roommate relationships and good landlord-tenant relationships require clear boundaries. At a minimum, you’ll want to address the following topics:

• Chores. Who is responsible for what? Cover areas such as purchasing food, meal preparation, housecleaning, yard work, laundry and repairs. Make expectations explicit in order to avoid frustration and resentment.
• Shared Spaces. Clarify what their space is and whether they’re allowed to keep it how they want it or not. Discuss expectations about them inviting people over. Good roommates are sensitive to the needs of others in the home.
• Rent. Do you expect your son or daughter to pay rent or a portion of the utilities bills? Clarify the amount, the due date, and the consequences for missed payments.
• Schedules. Discuss with your children their schedules, and to what degree you’d like to be kept informed of where they’ll be or what time they’ll be home. But remember, you are not in charge of their schedule — they are.
• Time Frame. If you have college students who move back home for the summer, then the duration of their stay is clear. But when the stay is indefinite, such as until they find a job, make sure that you clarify expectations. It’s generally helpful to agree to a set duration such as three months or six months, and then re-evaluate the arrangement together.

No parent wants to have their adult son or daughter living in their home rent free while playing video games ten hours a day. Clear boundaries help us not to fall into the trap of enabling our child’s irresponsibility. That frees us to be generous and supportive in a truly helpful way.

4)  Connect

Having your young adult child in your home gives you a wonderful opportunity to connect with your child. Take advantage of this chance to spend time with your children. Find activities you both enjoy, and make them a tradition, like going surfing together one morning a week or playing a favorite board game. Spend quality time together. Have deeper conversations; get to know your son or daughter as an adult.

This unexpected time of having your grown children living in your home doesn’t have to be a time of frustration and conflict. My wish for you is that it be a time of unexpected blessings, a time of connections, a time that you will one day look back on with gratitude.

For advice to young adults who find themselves living at home with their parents, see this previous article.

The post For Parents with Young Adult Children Living at Home appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

In a perfect world, everyone would be treated as if we all matter equally. In a perfect micro-world of our family, there would be no “shrinking violet” child who tries to be invisible to avoid the punishment that the outspoken sibling is receiving. There would be no “golden child,” no “troublemaker” or “black sheep” of any family. There would just be children born into the world with unique personalities, emotional expression styles, and varied interests and skills, ones who are talkers, thinkers, musicians, artists, chemists, chefs — and all would know beyond doubt that they matter. No matter what!

In a healing or healthy family, each person feels seen, heard and valued as an irreplaceable part of this community called family. The parents would expect their spouse and their kids to flub up occasionally, and would offer grace and forgiveness and even a conversation about what other choices they might make if that situation happens again. Everyone would feel safe to admit they made a mistake instead of leaving that failure believing they ARE a mistake. They would always feel that they matter and that they are loved even when they are at their worst. Each member of the family would have a strong sense of belonging, each would feel of equal importance and value.

When we see each person we meet as an equal, as a person who we can learn from and can contribute to, then we see what God sees:  people all created in his image just the way he planned. We are not all the same color, size or shape; we don’t all have the same talents or abilities. But we are all cherished by God and lovable. When we treat others as if they matter as much as we matter, then we all feel safe to explore the world and relationships with a confidence that we have value and have something to contribute in this life.

Look at your loved ones this week and just say, “Thank you for saying ‘yes’ to this time together. You mean the world to me.” When you do that, you communicate, “You matter to me, and I’m so glad that I matter to you.“

The post I Matter, You Matter appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

So there you are. Living in your parents’ home. Maybe you recently moved back in after graduating from college, or after a difficult divorce or job loss. Maybe you’re trying to save money or going through a transition and need a place to stay temporarily.  Or perhaps you graduated from high school and never moved out, and you’re working or taking classes while still living with your parents.

However you got there, you’ve probably already noticed that living in your parents’ home has some challenges.

Now part of making this a positive experience depends on your parents. My next blog post will be tips for parents. But what can you do on your end to make the situation as positive as possible? Here are a few ideas…

1)  Be a good roommate

You are all adults now. Adults who live in the same house or apartment need to be good roommates.

Good roommates communicate well.  They talk about expectations and negotiate ground rules.

Talk about chores. Who is responsible for what? Will Mom or Dad buy groceries and prepare meals for everyone living in the home? Or are you responsible for your own meals? Who will do the laundry, who will clean the bathroom, who will mow the lawn, who will vacuum?

There are no one-size-fits-all answers to these questions. It’s perfectly acceptable for family members or roommates to divide responsibilities according to what suits their unique situation. But DO have the conversation.  DON’T just expect that however household responsibilities were handled in the past when you were a child or teenager is the way that they should continue to be addressed now that you’re an adult.

Roommates also need to discuss the use of shared space. Are you allowed to have friends over or have parties in the home? Is your room considered your personal space, and are you allowed to keep it as clean or as messy as you want? Good roommates are sensitive to the needs of others in the home.

Communicate about your schedules. If you’ve been out on your own, you’re no longer used to reporting to your parents about where you’re going and what time you’ll be home. But now that you’re roommates, it’s basic courtesy to keep those you are living with informed about your schedule. And clarify with your parents whether they expect you to just keep them informed before you do certain activities like having a friend spend the night, or if they want you to ask permission.

2)  Be respectful

As an adult, when you’re living in a home that someone else owns or is paying for, you aren’t just a roommate, you’re also a tenant. Even if you’re not paying your parents for the privilege of living there, in some ways they are your landlords. You’re not on a level playing field in the same way that two college roommates might be, for example. It’s your parents’ place.

So be a respectful tenant. Ask your parents if they want you to pay rent or pay a share of the utilities. And if you are paying, do it in a timely and uncomplaining manner.

Clarify with your parents how long you expect to stay with them. If you expect to live at home until you find a job, how long do you think that job search will take? If they plan on you finding a job and moving out within two months, but you realistically expect it to take up to six months, that’s a recipe for conflict if you haven’t discussed expectations.

Part of being a tenant is realizing that you’re not entitled to live there. Your parents don’t have to provide you with a place to live now that you’re an adult. They fed you, clothed you, and did their part to keep you alive for 18+ years, and now they’re allowing you to live in their home. So be a good tenant. Respect the property. Abide by any house rules that are important to your parents. Show a sense of gratitude, not an attitude of entitlement.

3)  Be responsible

One of the hard things about living with your parents is how easy it is to fall back into the old family roles. For example, if you were a forgetful teenager, then when you’re back in the home, your mom might start frequently “nagging” you again (she probably calls it “reminding”), and you might respond as impatiently or defensively as you did in the past.

But you’re an adult now. You don’t have to live in those old patterns. Notice when you say to yourself, “Oh no, here we go again.” That’s a sign that a negative pattern has resurfaced.

Once you notice an old pattern, do your part to change it. Maybe say, “Thank you, Mom, for reminding me to make sure I don’t forget my laptop, I know that you’re trying to help. But I’m an adult now, and I need to figure out my own methods to help my memory. So please hold off on reminding me.” And then show her that you’ve changed by not blaming her if you do forget something.

Mature adults take responsibility to do their part to have healthy relationships with the people they live with. Don’t live in a state of irritation, frustration or resentment. Those are all warning signs of relational issues. Do what you can on your end to create new, healthy patterns.

Have a plan for your life. Have a plan for when and how you’ll move out of your parents’ home. If you’ve said you’re looking for work, then don’t spend eight hours a day playing video games. Keep taking steps toward your goals. Let your parents see that you are a responsible adult, and watch their trust in you grow.

4)  Be connected

Even though you are now an adult, you are still a child of your parents. Be a connected family member. Living in your parents’ home gives you a great opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your parents. Build good memories by spending time together. Find things to do together that both of you enjoy.

Now that you’re an adult, your parents’ role in your life needs to change. They should be less of a manager or a coach, and more of a consultant. Don’t ask your parents to do things for you that you can do for yourself – that’s asking them to continue to manage your life. But do ask for their input about how to do things for yourself. Talk with them about your job issues, for example. Ask them for tips about resume writing or interviewing. Discuss relationship issues with them. Listen to the story of how they decided to get married, and what they found most challenging about committing to another person.

Once you start viewing your parents from an adult perspective, you can learn more about them and gain more insight into their history and personality. Take an interest in them; get to know them better — this can be a great time for you to develop a closer relationship with them.

If you do your part to be a good roommate, a respectful tenant, a responsible adult, and a connected family member, these months and years that you spend as a young adult in your parents’ home can become treasured memories.

The post An Open Letter to Young Adults Who Are Living at Home with their Parents appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

We’ve been married for 33 years now, and as I take this Valentine’s Day to look back over our years together, what stands out to me most is how healing our relationship has been in my life.

Attachment researchers say that throughout our lives, from the day we’re born until the day we die, we need connection. We need to have someone we can turn to when we’re distressed; we need to know that we matter to another person.

A Safe Haven and a Secure Base

This secure attachment provides a safe haven and a secure base. A safe haven is that sense that we can rely on another person to understand us, to listen to us, and to comfort us when we’re upset. It’s that sense of coming home, a feeling that we don’t need to put on masks, the feeling that we are loved and accepted as we are.

A secure base is the idea that because we are loved, because we know that another person has our back, we are able to go out into the world and explore. A secure base empowers us to take risks, to be confident, and to become our best self.

Pursue or Withdraw

Without secure attachment, we either pursue or withdraw. Pursuers tend to try to make attachment happen. They move toward the other person and can come across as critical or demanding. Withdrawers tend to move away from the other person. They might try to shut down their attachment needs by putting up a wall or not interacting on a deep level.

Trauma survivors tend to do both at once, by sending confusing messages of “Come here/ Go away” at the same time. This is understandable, because like everyone, trauma survivors need people and want connection; however they’ve been hurt by people, so needing others feels dangerous and risky.

When I married Dave at age 19, although on the outside I was sweet, caring and responsible, on the inside I was that scared trauma survivor.

This showed up in unexpected ways early in our marriage. It was hard for me to trust Dave, even though he was very trustworthy. It was hard for me to confide my deepest thoughts and feelings to him, hard for me to truly believe that I mattered to him, hard for me to trust that he would love me no matter how unlovable I sometimes seemed to myself.

I often put up walls or shut down emotionally, which would push his buttons and make him feel shut out and disconnected. There were some difficult times. I remember crying a lot.

It came to a head about six years after our marriage. Our unwavering commitment to God helped us to stay committed to our marriage, and we sought counseling. By God’s grace, over time we were able to end our unhealthy patterns, process painful issues and find healing.

We were able to build a secure connection.

I learned that no matter how intense our disagreements might be, in the end Dave wants to hear me, to understand me and to respect me. I experienced his caring and I no longer felt like I had to retreat in order to be safe.

This has transformed my life. My husband has been an instrument of God’s grace to heal painful wounds.

I always had a sense that God was a safe haven for me; now I also have that in a person. Dave sees me, knows me and loves me unconditionally.

Similarly, while I always had a sense that God was a secure base for me, now Dave is as well. Dave empowers me to take risks, to set goals and go for them, to be the best person I can be. Knowing that he has my back and that we are a team no matter what means the world to me.

While writing this I’ve frequently had to stop and wipe away tears of gratitude and joy. This Valentine’s Day I look back in amazement and delight at God’s grace in the lives of two very young adults, who stepped into marriage with so little idea of what they were getting into and who have been blessed beyond all expectation with a wonderful, healing love.

Thank you, Dave. I love you!

The post Thoughts on Valentine’s Day: a story of marriage, healing and grace appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

It was my second half marathon. My first was three years ago, and after it was over, I had no particular desire to ever run another one. I’m in my 50s, somewhat overweight, and even in my younger days I wasn’t an especially fast runner. Running a half marathon seemed like it was a lot of stress for a fairly small payoff.

Me before the race

But I changed my mind. I decided to try another one. I felt eager for a new challenge, ready to increase my training runs, and excited about having a goal to work toward. So I signed up for the Disney Avengers Super Heroes Half Marathon. I trained consistently, gradually increasing my miles, using the Jeff Galloway run-walk-run method that has helped me stay injury free for years.

And in November, I ran the half marathon. And thoroughly enjoyed it.

Since then, I’ve been thinking about this passage from the Bible:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1-2, emphasis added)

“Run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”  Sounds like in some ways, life is an endurance race.

I want to run mine well.

How can we run the race of life well in this upcoming new year?  How can we finish strong?  What does it take to endure?  Here are some life lessons I’ve been reflecting on since running my race:

1)  Keep the Goal in Mind

You won’t keep running if you’re not trying to achieve an objective. Only a meaningful goal will keep us going when the race gets challenging.

As Christians, God’s goal for us is to make us more like Jesus. When I keep my focus on Jesus, then no matter what challenges come into my life, I know God can use it to make me a better person, to make me more like Christ.

This is a worthy goal, one that keeps me pressing on.

2)  Train Consistently

The key to running long distance is to run shorter distances consistently and increase gradually over time. Do what you are able to do, so that in time you will become able to do even more.

Similarly in life, be consistent over time. “Run with perseverance.”  Eugene Peterson, quoting Nietzsche, calls it “a long obedience in the same direction.”

I love looking back over my years of following Christ, and seeing ways that God has led, ways that I have grown, relationships that have improved, and painful circumstances that God has redeemed. I know these benefits have come because I’ve been fairly consistent over time.

3)  Build Habits

When we train consistently, we build habits. Training becomes routine; it takes less willpower and motivation. Just as you don’t have to force yourself to brush your teeth every day, soon you don’t have to force yourself to work out.

Spiritual disciplines can also become life-giving habits. Prayer, Bible reading, service and worship, when done consistently, can begin to come more naturally, to be part of the pattern of your life.

Gretchen Rubin, in her book on habits, Better than Before, says, “What we do every day matters more than what we do once in a while.”

4)  Know Your “Why”

There were times on my long training runs when I did not want to run that tenth mile. My feet ached, the hills seemed to be getting steeper, and I wanted to quit. But I’d already committed to running the half marathon. My fee was paid. I was all in, and wasn’t going to back out.

My medal for finishing

The “why” that kept me going through those training runs was knowing that my race was coming. I wanted to be ready.

The author of Hebrews tells us that Jesus “endured the cross… for the joy set before him.” Jesus overcame the pain and shame of his death by looking past it to the joy that waited for him on the other side.

In the same way, we can persist through difficulties when we focus on the blessings waiting for us on the other side.

Scientists call it “deferred gratification” – it’s that ability to handle some pain now because we know that if we wait, there will be a reward. It’s the ability to remind ourselves that this path we’ve chosen will be worth it in the end. We can be faithful day after day when we know our “why.”

The Hebrews passage reminds us that loving and knowing Jesus is the reason we run.  “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus.”

5)  Expect Challenges

Part of training is recovering from setbacks and overcoming obstacles. We have to learn to run in adverse weather, or to adapt our training to recover from an injury.

Sin easily entangles us. Distractions hinder us. Set those aside. Throw them off. Keep going. Keep moving toward the goal.

6)  Get Connected

My husband was my support person during my race. Seeing his face and hearing him cheer for me, especially toward the end of the race, helped me feel encouraged to keep going.

I was also surrounded by fellow runners, so I wasn’t running alone.  And all along the route were hundreds of people cheering for us, sometimes entire cheerleading squads and pep bands from local high schools and colleges.  We received water and energy drinks from volunteers manning refreshment stations along the way. The race was definitely a group effort.

Hebrews tells us that we have “a great cloud of witnesses” – that the Christians who have come before us, who demonstrated incredible faith, are cheering us on.

To run a successful race this new year, find people who encourage you and who refresh you. Become more aware of all the people who have gone before you, and let their examples cheer you on.

May we all keep on running with endurance until we say, like the apostle Paul at the end of his life, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” (2 Timothy 4:7)

Blessings to you as you run.

The post Run the Race Well appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Overprotecting:

Most parents love their children. They hate seeing their child in pain, so they do whatever they can to protect them. Unfortunately we can’t escape pain. We don’t do our children any favors when we try to keep them from experiencing ALL pain. We need to help our children learn how to deal with the harsh realities of life. Certainly we want to try to protect them from destructive pain, but how much pain is too much?

You might be thinking, “Is it really that bad if we are overprotective and solve our kids’ problems?” Overprotecting and solving all our kids’ problems has negative consequences in the future. One of the chief complaints from business leaders regarding this new generation, commonly called “Millennials,” is they can’t take constructive feedback.  Millennials have been known to not only pout, but also quit when they hear constructive criticism.

Many universities are at a loss about how to deal with this generation of students. Peter Gray, Ph.D. recently wrote an article “Declining Student Resilience: A Serious Problem for Colleges.”  He has done extensive research with institutions across America and here are a few of his conclusions:

• Students are afraid to fail; they do not take risks; they need to be certain about things. For many of them, failure is seen as catastrophic and unacceptable. External measures of success are more important than learning and autonomous development.
• Faculty members, individually and as a group, are conflicted about how much “handholding” they should be doing.

Dan Jones, past president of the Association for University and College Counseling Center Directors states,

Students haven’t developed skills in how to soothe themselves, because their parents have solved all their problems and removed the obstacles. They don’t seem to have as much grit as previous generations.

The universities and the marketplace are watching our children struggle with everyday problems and are at a loss on what to do. What are we to do?

Equipping our children for life’s challenges:

God has called us as parents to train up our children.  We are to prepare them to deal with life’s challenges. This doesn’t mean we don’t care and support our children.  No, it means we are to equip them. Here are some quick thoughts that will help you train up your children.

– Our role as parents is to help our kids explore, discover and develop skills. We want to encourage them to try new things.

– Give them the freedom to fail. We need to teach our kids that “failure needs to be our mentor, not our tormentor.” Failure is a part of life. We need to teach them to grieve failure or loss and learn from the experience.

– Our kids need both truth and grace in their lives.

• Truth:  Sometimes as parents we idealize our kids and act like they can’t do anything wrong.  We jump to their defense when we need to allow them to experience the consequences of their choices. When we excuse or minimize improper behavior we are teaching them to be self-centered, entitled, dishonest and irresponsible.
• Grace:  We need to distinguish between acceptance and approval. God accepts as we are, but he doesn’t always approve of all our actions. Sometimes when our kids make mistakes or act inappropriately we can respond harshly.  Our kids can feel like they can never measure up.  Grace always needs to accompany truth.
• When we discipline, the goal is learning, not making them pay for what they did. Consequences need to fit the crime. If we feel ourselves flooded with anger, take some time to cool off before you address the issue. Think through what might best help them learn.
• I have found it best to sympathize with their feelings, redirect attitudes, and discipline behavior.

– Give them the resources they need to develop and grow. Don’t become a helicopter parent — a parent that is always hovering and over-involved in your child’s life. Don’t be a stage parent – someone whose focus is making your child a star. This is an indication that your child’s success is more about you than about them.

– We need to recognize what stage of development our kids are in and treat them accordingly. Becky and I have developed “Four Stages of Parenting” that corresponds to child development: Caregiver, Manager, Coach and Consultant. If we are still “Managing” our high school or college age sons and daughters, we are going to run into major conflicts with our teens and we won’t prepare them to deal with life. I encourage you to read Becky’s blog post “Four Stages of Parenting” for more details.

Here are a few questions to think about:

-How are you helping your kids explore and develop new skills?

-Is failure a mentor or tormentor in your family?  How can you help them learn from failure?

-We need to balance grace and truth with our kids. Which do you tend to lean towards? What can you do to balance your interactions?

The post The Consequences of Overprotecting — Ideas for Training Up Our Kids appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.