I’ve been thinking a lot about the first part of The Serenity Prayer these days. You know, the part that goes, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”
It often seems like I live my life by another prayer, one that goes something like, “God, please bless my attempts to control the things I cannot change.”
What would it be like to serenely accept the things I cannot change? How can I learn to let go?
1) Get Clear About What You Can’t Change
If we’re trying to accept things we can’t change, then we first need to clarify what we can’t change. What are those things that we can’t control, no matter how hard we try? What are things we can’t change?
- Most things about other people. We can’t make other people change. We can’t make them change their decisions, their feelings, their opinions, their habits, their personality, or their preferences. We might be able to influence them, to a greater or lesser degree, but most aspects of other people fall into the “can’t change” category.
- The past. We can’t change the past. No matter how much we regret our past choices, no matter how bitter we feel about past hurts, no matter how painful our past losses, we can’t change them.
- Some things about ourselves. While there are things about ourselves we can change, other aspects of ourselves are just the way we were born. There are many things we can’t change about our looks, our health, our personality and our aptitudes.
- Some circumstances. In any given situation, there are some things we can’t change. We can’t change big things like natural disasters, wars, or the economy. We can’t change small things, like a flat tire on the way to work, how much homework our kids are assigned, or the cost of a movie ticket.
- The fact that we have limits. Often the hardest things to accept are our own limits. We want to see it all, to do it all, to achieve our dreams. My to do list for the day often has more items than any one person could possibly accomplish in a single day. Why do I expect that of myself? Because I have a hard time accepting my own limits.
2) Examine the Reasons You Try to Control
Why do we constantly try to control things that we can’t? Why is letting go so difficult?
We try to control because letting go is terrifying. We are afraid of feeling powerless. We don’t want to be a victim.
We try to control because we think that if we can just make this other person change, or if we can just somehow make ourselves perfect, then our problems will be solved. We’ll finally be happy, everyone will love us, we’ll have it made.
We try to control our loved ones because somehow we bought into the belief that love means having an agenda for someone else’s life. I want you to change because I care about you. I nag you because I love you.
We try to control our kids because when they were young they needed us to manage their lives, and as they’ve grown, we haven’t adjusted. Maybe we’re afraid that if they don’t need us to manage their lives, then we won’t have a place in their lives.
We try to control in order to get our own needs met. If I can just make people like me, if I’m good enough or nice enough, then I’ll feel loved. If I accomplish my impossible to do list, then I’ll feel successful.
We try to control because we’re driven by anxiety. We are afraid of what we can’t control. We constantly expect disaster, and we micromanage to try to stave it off.
We try to control because letting go feels like giving up. We don’t want to accept what we cannot change. We fear that letting go means we might never get what we want, and then we would have to grieve.
We try to control because deep down it’s hard to believe that God really cares, that he’s holding us in his hands. We think somehow it’s all up to us.
Benefits of Letting Go
Letting go is difficult, but as we do it, we experience:
- less anxiety
- lighter burdens
- more energy to focus on the things we can change
- increased trust in God
- greater maturity
My next blog post will give more thoughts on learning to let go.
Question: What do you think? How is it hard for you to let go? What helps you to accept things you can’t change? You can leave a comment by clicking here.
We also try to control because we see someone we love doing something that we strongly believe is sinful. We honestly believe that going down that road will lead to disaster — and we are often right! Because we love them, we want what’s best for them — and there are times when our faith makes us think we have more insight on that than they do.
But it’s a helpful reminder that God loves them even more than we do. And they will learn a whole lot more from making their *own* choices than having choices imposed on them. But that’s a hard one to let go.
Sondy, so true! It can be agonizing to see someone we love making poor choices, and it’s SO easy to cross boundaries in our attempts to help them. I agree that it helps to constantly remind ourselves that God loves them and can work in their lives without our “help.”
Yep. Had I been God, an extended “do’s and don’t’s” list would have accompanied Abraham and Sarah’s baby announcement. Like, especially DO NOT involve servants named Hagar and cross the name “Ishmael” off the Potential Baby Name List.
In contrast, God allowed His own creatures to choose to nail their Creator to the Cross. Wow!!
I appreciate your wise and insightful hints for letting God truly be in charge, a daily challenge for me, for sure. Abdicating my self-ordained responsibility to micromanage God’s universe — in humble service to Him, of course — is definitely a struggle.
I’m plodding, but progress is exciting. Thanks for lift along the way.
So true! It amazes me how much freedom God gives us! Yet we try to micromanage… This is a tough lesson to learn, but so important!
Ooops. Argh!! ~~ bleeaah~~ (I will refrain from blaming the keyboard!!)
that would be: “for the lift along the way”