Robin Hood was trying to set an environment where people were free to share their burdens and find peace and safety. Isn’t that something we all want? Being able to share our sorrows not only releases our burdens, it empowers us to feel like we aren’t alone.  We have someone who will enter our pain.

God has designed us to be in community.  This inner desire for connections draws us to people. But the fear of being hurt puts us on guard. When we share areas that are vulnerable, we can be easily crushed.

Intellectually, we know about the medical benefits of sharing our troubles, but fear holds us back.  We feel stuck. Will people really understand our pain? Will they judge me? Will they dismiss my pain and quote a Bible verse?

Until we boldly confront the fears we want to avoid, those fears will control our lives. Being able to share our pain is vital to recovery. The cautionary tale from the Sherwood Forest is finding someone who is safe.  When we share with the wrong person we are crushed. Who is safe? How do we become safe people? Here are some qualities of a safe person:

They listen.  (James 1:19)

• That doesn’t mean just being quiet when someone is talking.
• It is being engaged, asking questions. (See my post on The Art of Listening for details.)

They are humble.  (Philippians 2:3-4)

• We need to recognize we are all broken and are in need of a Savior.
• A safe person is self-aware. They don’t think of themselves as having it all together.  They are aware of their own weaknesses and thus willing to serve. (See my post on Self-Awareness)

They express heartfelt compassion.  (Colossians 3:12)

• They reflect back both the content of your words and the emotions behind them.

They are willing to give gentle honest feedback.  (2 Timothy 2:25)

• We don’t need people just agreeing with us. We need people who will listen and gently ask questions that help us think through issues.
• We don’t need someone lecturing at us.
• It is not about making a point; it is about making a difference.

They are there through the pain.  (Romans 12:15)

• Sometimes we feel inadequate to help others.  We are afraid of saying the wrong thing. One of the most loving things we can do for others is being there — sitting with them, giving them a shoulder to cry on, a hug.

We all long for a Sherwood Forest experience.  However, there are many dangers in the forest. Not everyone is a Robin Hood. We need to choose wisely before we share our pain.

I encourage you to examine the five characteristics above.  Do they describe you? Are there areas you need to work on? God has called his church to be this type of community. Too often we fall short. We are all in process. Let’s strive to be the type of community who welcomes those in pain.

If you are in pain, choose wisely who you share with. Please feel free to contact us at Restore and Rebuild.  We would love to walk with you through your journey.

The post Safety in the Sherwood Forest: A Cautionary Tale appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

She was terrified. She was kicking and screaming, “He’s going to kill me!”  I tried to calmly reassure her and slowly and gently carry her, but she was in full panic mode.  She was hooked to four lines and had no chance of falling.  However, in her mind she thought she was hanging by a thread 75 feet above the ground, and could fall at any moment. Moving across an x-rope is hard enough.  Moving across an x-rope while carrying a person who is fighting every move you make is exhausting! It seemed like an eternity before we got to the platform.  Even on the safety of the platform, it took a lot of comforting to calm her down.

Don’t we do the same thing with God?  A crisis comes up, and we go into full panic mode.  When we lose our job we panic: “How am I going to pay the bills?  Am I going to have to move? How will this impact the family?  I feel like such a failure.  How am I going to find a job in this economy?”  When a loved one dies, we feel lost without them, and wonder how we are going to carry on. When a relationship ends, we are devastated. We don’t know how to move forward.  When conflicts arise at home or work, we go into a shell or become defensive and lash out.

We forget Psalms 46:1, which tells us, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in the time of trouble.” God is watching over us. He’s got us.

As I look back on my life, there have been times I have acted like I was dangling from a thread. I have been in full panic mode. I have lashed out and let fear control me. I have hurt those I loved. Meanwhile, God was right there, bringing me to safety.

How do we miss God presence?  Our focus is on the wrong place. That day on the high ropes course, if the girl would have listened and trusted me, she could have seen the help I was providing. But her fear took over.

Likewise, when a crisis hits our lives, we panic.  We may cry out to God for help, but we don’t listen. Do we really believe God is our refuge and strength?  Do we truly believe he is present?

I confess that even as a pastor there have been times I have intellectually espoused these propositional truths but struggled to live them out. Our Christian faith is not merely an intellectual exercise. God allows these crises to enter our lives so we can more deeply participate in his drama of redemption. God wants us to stop fighting him and trust him.

That doesn’t mean that we go into denial and pretend everything is okay. Our fear and pain are real.  God doesn’t deny that, nor should we.  We need to follow the Psalmist’s example and openly bring our pain and fear to God. Jesus encourages us to come him when we are burdened and he will give us rest (Matt. 11:28).

As the Apostle Paul writes in Roman 8:31, “If God is for us who can be against us?”  But like the girl on the x-rope, we often focus on the fear rather than on the one who saves. Are you currently crippled by fear? Bring it to the one who can handle your fear and pain. God’s got you.

The post God’s Got You! appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Every spiritual journey takes us to the hardest realities in our lives, the monsters within us, our shadows and strongholds, our willful flesh, our inner demons.  It is essential that we understand the enemies within us or we will inevitably project them outward on to other people.”  – Peter Scazzero in The Emotionally Healthy Church

We all have blind spots. Our lack of self-awareness can cause us to offend, run over and alienate people we love. They react to what we say and we have no clue why.  We get defensive, and the battle is on.  Both parties are wounded and emotional walls go up and we are left wondering, “What just happened?”

Self-awareness helps us understand and manage our emotions. It gives us a greater capacity for social awareness and empathy.  It is a critical building block for enhancing our relationships. Today we are going to take a brief look at what it is and how we can develop our own self-awareness.

Self-awareness is that ability to know what we are thinking, feeling, wanting, doing, and what triggers strong emotional reactions.  It sounds easy, but it’s not.  With the hectic pace of life we are frequently unaware of what is going on inside.  Like the tide, the demands of life keep coming and we don’t take the time to reflect. We remain clueless.

We are warned in Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”  In order to guard your heart, you need to know it.  Our emotions provide a window to peer into our soul. In some Christian circles, emotions are ignored. Emotions are too messy.  They can get us in trouble. “Just give me the facts. Emotions aren’t to be trusted.”

Here is a little exercise.  What do you think these words are describing?

Compassion, anger, deep distress, amazed, indignant, love, hunger, troubled, overwhelmed with sorrow.  Have a guess?

They are the emotions of Jesus as described in the book of Mark.  If our Savior expressed emotions, then clearly emotions are an essential part of the human experience. The more we are aware of our own emotions, the more skilled we will be at reading the emotions of others.  This awareness can lead us to empathetic responses and create closer relationships.

If you want to develop greater self-awareness, here are few things to consider:

Humility

It starts with humility. We are reminded in Proverbs 11:2, “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”  Humility helps us acknowledge that we all have blind spots and weaknesses. It will open our hearts to honest feedback.

Feedback

It can be dangerous when we begin to “believe our own press clippings.” Accolades are nice, but they can make us blind to our weaknesses. We need to find safe people who will share the truth with us.  We have a tendency to surround ourselves with people who will just say what we want to hear.  But if we are going to grow in self-awareness we need to find people who are safe, gracious and willing to give us honest feedback. Here are some questions to ask:

• What are my strengths?
• What are my areas of immaturity?
• What have you observed triggers strong reactions in me?
• When my buttons get pushed, how do I tend to react?
• How have you seen me push other people’s buttons?

If you listen to their responses, you will become more aware of your weaknesses and triggers. This will enable you to strategize ways to respond when you sense your buttons are pushed.

Reflection

Hardships can evoke powerful and painful emotions. Our unwillingness to face and reflect on the pain will prevent us from learning and growing.  It is wise to follow Peter Scazzero’s counsel, “It is essential that we understand the enemies within us or we will inevitably project them outward on to other people.”

Journaling is a powerful tool that can provide insights into our life. Reflecting on what we are feeling, thinking, and desiring not only provides self-awareness but health benefits. Research has found when people write about their feelings they are able to lower heart rate and blood pressure.

Perspective Taking

Perspective taking means asking ourselves, “If I were in their shoes what would I feel, think or do?” Too often we are just reacting to what people say and do.  We need to slow down and ask these questions. As we learn to put ourselves in other people’s shoes, our awareness will be heightened. We will become more empathetic and thus strengthen our bonds of friendship.

The post Self-Awareness and How We Impact People appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

“YES,” I said. “Yes. They do.”

As the wife of a pastor for over 30 years, and more recently as a marriage and family therapist who works with spouses of ministry leaders, I am very aware of the isolation that many pastor’s wives feel. Being the wife of a pastor can be rewarding and fulfilling, but it can also be stressful and lonely.

• Emotional Ups and Downs. Everyone has times when they feel energetic and happy and times when they feel down, irritable or upset. Sometimes as the wife of a pastor, we look at other pastor’s wives and we think that they have it all together, that they are always positive. We think we’re the only one who ever yells at our kids or cries ourself to sleep. We think we’re the only one who’s a mess. But the truth is we’re all broken, we’re all human. And we’re all held in God’s hands.
• Doubts or Dry Spells. When you are in a position of leadership in the church, or married to someone who is, struggles in your faith can be scary. They become another thing to hide, which increases feelings of isolation. But even some of the heroes of the Bible, such as Elijah, Moses and David, had times of doubts or questioning God. You are not alone even when your faith seems dry.
• Busyness. We live in a culture that breeds unhealthy levels of busyness. Churches are by no means immune to this, and ministry families often suffer greatly.
• Pressure to be Perfect. When you’re married to a pastor, it can feel like your family is always on display. There can be pressure to have a model family of well-behaved, perfectly-mannered children. It can trap the ministry spouse in a dilemma: If I am real and raw and open about my less-than-perfect life, I will probably be criticized. Yet if I try to keep my brokenness private, then I feel as though I’m putting on a mask and people in the church don’t really know me.
• Financial Stress. Pastors are often paid less than the average member of their church who has similar educational levels and work experience. This is especially true for pastors on a multi-staff church, such as associate pastors or youth pastors. The wife of a pastor might struggle with having significantly less income than her friends in the church.
• Unrealistic Expectations. Church members often have an agenda of what they expect a pastor’s wife to do or how she should act. Many ministry spouses have a tendency to people-please and feel guilty if they fail to live up to the expectations of others.
• Difficulty Setting Healthy Boundaries. As a therapist, I’ve worked with people from many different helping professions: teachers, therapists, coaches, and nurses, to name a few, as well as pastors. Among all helping professionals, the boundaries for pastors are the most unclear. Therapists have set hours. Nurses aren’t expected to become friends with their patients. But the pastor, and the pastor’s spouse, are often expected to be on call at all hours and to give without limits. The wife of a pastor can easily begin to resent the church if she feels like her husband is there for the church more than he is there for the family.

It is stressful to be the wife of a pastor even when all is going well in ministry. But when things are not going well, when there are conflicts among leaders or upset church members, for example, then the lot of the pastor’s wife becomes even more difficult. When ministry stresses increase, pastor’s wives often also experience:

• Increased Isolation. If there are problems in the church, then who can the pastor’s wife confide in? If she confides in any of her friends at the church, she risks causing problems to spread. And few ministry spouses have close friends outside of the church who they can turn to in times of stress, because so much of their lives revolve around the church.
• Being the Main Support for her Husband. Just as most pastor’s wives don’t have many close friends outside the church, so also most pastors don’t have close friends outside the church. So when job stresses increase, pastors turn to their wives to vent and receive support. The wife hears about personality clashes and political in-fighting. Further, even if the pastor himself is able to resolve the conflicts, the wife is usually not present at those meetings and does not have the same opportunity to experience resolution. For her, the negative effects linger.
• Powerlessness. The ministry spouse doesn’t have an official position at the church, so when problems arise, it can feel like she has no voice, no standing, no way to impact the situation. She is extremely impacted BY the church leadership’s decisions, but she has very little impact ON the church leadership’s decisions.
• Shame and Embarrassment. Some ministry problems arise due to moral failings of a pastor. The wife of a pastor who leaves ministry due to a moral failing might feel exposed and ashamed. It can be difficult for her to leave her home, not knowing who might have heard about her husband’s disgrace.
• Grief. Most Christians who have problems on the job or leave their job can talk about that with their friends at church and receive support. But when a pastor leaves a church, he doesn’t just lose a job, he and his family also lose their community, their church, their friends, their main support system. Their grief spikes right when their support plummets.
• Sense of Betrayal and Invisibility. No church hires a pastor without meeting with his wife. When a pastor begins work at a church, the wife is seen as part of the team. They say that church is a family. The wife is encouraged and expected to become involved, to volunteer countless hours in the children’s ministry or on the music team, to lead the women’s ministry, or to mentor and counsel alongside her husband. But when things go south, when problems arise, then the wife becomes invisible. No one on the elder board or pastoral staff calls the wife and seeks out her point of view, no one includes her in meetings. They say that church is a business. She’s not the employee, her husband is. It would be inappropriate to involve her. As a result, many pastor’s wives feel deeply betrayed and hurt by churches that they once loved and served.

Pastor’s wife, you are not alone. Sadly, many women have experienced the pain that you are going through. The struggles of a pastor’s wife rarely receive attention, but they are very real.

God sees. God hears. You are not alone.

If you are married to a pastor or former pastor, and you would like to talk further, feel free to go here and click on the Contact Us button. We at Restore and Rebuild Ministries would be happy to hear your story and do what we can to support you.

The post Pastor’s Wife, You Are Not Alone! appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Research backs this up. Dr. Stephen Porges, a researcher at the University of North Carolina, found that when people feel heard, the body calms down, they feel safe, and they become more creative and more engaged in connecting with others.

Scripture and research both confirm we need to listen better. How do we listen and help others feel heard?

1.  Attentiveness

Attentiveness seems to be a lost art in the modern world.   Everywhere we look, there’s a screen in our face: phone, computer, TV, ipad.  There is so much happening around us. No wonder people question whether we are listening to them.

When Becky and I do seminars on communication, we have people pair off and try a listening exercise. First, one person talks for 60 seconds while the other person doesn’t pay attention — they look away, make no eye contact, or play with their phone.  One minute seems like an eternity.  The one who is talking  feels frustrated and wants to give up.

Then we switch. One person speaks and this time the other works at attending: they make eye contact, nod the head, lean in, and ask questions with warmth and interest. The same 60 seconds fly by. The conversation is energized. Both people are engaged in the conversation and want to keep talking.

Likewise when we are talking with our  friends, co-workers, or spouse we need to give them our undivided attention. It helps them feel like we are engaged in the conversation.  It makes them feel heard.

2.  Validation

Validation is communicating that the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and perspectives are worthy of being listened to.

Examples of validation include:

• “That was insightful, I appreciate …”
• “I think I’d feel the same way if I were in your shoes.”
• “That’s understandable.”

Too often we invalidate. Here are ways that people invalidate others and some examples:

• Changing the subject without really responding

Wife:  Hey, sweetie, when I went for a walk today down by the beach, I saw some dolphins!  It was so cool!

Husband:  The Padres made a great trade today.

• Ignoring the emotional content

Wife: I had such a hard day, so I got a late start on cooking dinner.  But it will be ready in 10 minutes.

Husband: It better be ready, I have an important meeting tonight.

• Belittling

Husband:  Man, things have been so intense at work.  I need a break. I wish we could get away.

Wife: You need a break, try being at home with four kids!

Other ways we invalidate include:

• Trying to cheer them up by talking about something else
• Sarcasm
• Name calling or labeling
• Attributing the viewpoint to something else – “Oh, you’re just tired” or “You only think that because you saw on the Internet”

What if you disagree with other person’s point of view? This brings us to our next skill.

3.  Exploring

When we don’t understand someone’s point of view or it seems wrong or foolish, what do we do?  The key is to explore the topic. Ask questions like:

• What do you mean by that?
• Can you tell me more? Help me understand.
• How did you come to that conclusion?
• Have you considered…?

When we are exploring by asking these questions, we are seeking to understand, not trying to prove our point.

Our tone is critical when we ask questions. Dr. Porges’ research showed that a calm voice is soothing to the listener, and creates a sense of safety and people are more engaging.

Asking some of these same questions with a harsh tone will put people on the defensive. When we hear harsh tones, the research showed that the brain sends a message to the body to protect itself. The middle ear closes down and people don’t hear all the words we are saying. We literally have a harder time listening when we are upset. So when we say, “You aren’t listening to me!!!” — it’s more true than we realize.  There is great wisdom in Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Listening is critical for creating emotional safety and warmth in our relationships.  What areas do you need to work on: attending, validating or exploring?

The post The Art of Listening appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

This is true for pastors as well. As I talk with seminary students and pastors, they often tell me that scripture has become a textbook. They spend so much time exegeting a passage and preparing a sermon for others that they have lost their personal sense of awe of God. When it comes to serving, pastors can spend so much time strategizing and developing “new and exciting” ministries that they get lost in the details of programs. The awe and wonder of God becomes an afterthought.

In Psalm 145 the Psalmist describes a daily awe of God.

I will extol you, my God and King,

and bless your name forever and ever.

Every day I will bless you

and praise your name forever and ever.”

How do we capture this awe of God?

I live on the west coast. The Pacific Ocean is less than two miles from my house.  I enjoy going there and taking in God’s creation.  In the early mornings I see intense reds, yellows and oranges lighting up the sky. Clouds are airbrushed across the horizon.  The waves powerfully and relentlessly roll upon the shore.  Flocks of sandpipers frantically peck at the wet sand to find food as the waves return to the sea.  Pelicans skim the surface of the water looking for fish.  A pod of dolphins playfully swims by. I am awestruck at the creativity of God.

As I continue to gaze over the ocean I see the ingenuity and creativity God has given to man.  It is early morning, so the sea is dotted with surfers.  Each surfer is waiting for the perfect wave.  Their surfboards are ingeniously designed to allow them to perform artistic and acrobatic moves. As the face of the wave stands up, the surfer takes off.  The wave becomes his canvas to paint.  As he carves up and down the face of the wave, water sprays like a rooster tail marking where he has been.  As this surfer continues to paint, he flies off the lip of the wave and does a three-sixty acrobatic turn and crashes back down on the water and continues to paint his masterpiece. Every ride is a new canvas on which to paint. It is inspiring to watch. Our God is so creative.

You might not live by an ocean, mountain or stream; but God’s wonders are all around us.   We need to be more like the psalmist. We need to slow down and remind ourselves about the God of wonder. Not only is he creative, but he is loving, merciful and desires to walk with us.

Many of us have heard and read the stories of God. How he sent Jesus to redeem us from this broken world.  And yet, we often let these magnificent truths skip right by us. We think, “I have too many things to do. I can’t slow down.” Thus time marches on and our soul dries out. We find our passion for God barely alive like a withering tree desperate for rain.

I encourage you to read Psalm 145. Drink in these words.  Allow this powerful Psalm to refresh your soul.  Maybe it will inspire you to slow down enough each day to realize the God of all creation and comfort wants to walk with you each and every day.

How are you amazed by God? How do you remind yourself of the wonders of God? What do you do to help your passion for God to flourish? Please post your thoughts.

The post Capturing the Awe and Wonder of God appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

To start with, let’s discuss the obstacles to self-care. What makes it so difficult for us to practice good self-care, to attend to our own basic needs in a healthy, consistent way?

1) We’re Too Busy

Probably the number one reason is that we have so much to do, so much that feels way more urgent and important than taking care of ourselves. This was definitely true for the moms I met with. When you are providing care for children below the age of five, you are working round-the-clock tending to other people’s needs — fitting in time to even notice your own needs seems impossible.

But even if you’re past that caregiving stage of parenting or don’t have children, the pressing urgency of the to-do list makes self-care difficult.

In our culture that values productivity, where we measure our worth by our performance, healthy self-care often doesn’t even make it onto our radar screen. Granted, we could prioritize basic self-care and start making time to attend to our own soul and to replenish ourselves. But then we bump up against another obstacle to good self-care…

2) Self-Care Feels Selfish

When we make self-care a priority, we might hear a voice inside our heads, telling us that we’re being selfish, that we’re not thinking of others enough, or that we’re not doing what we “should” be doing. Our work ethic says that self-care is laziness, and we have no response.

Sadly, this is often especially true in Christian circles. We’re taught to put others first and to sacrifice our own desires and needs for the good of others — which are valuable lessons! — but we’re not usually taught the corresponding importance of healthy, unselfish self-care. When we relax we feel guilty, so we carry on, busy and exhausted, neglecting the health of our own souls.

3) No Support

Very few of us have people in our lives who remind us to take care of ourselves. Our bosses don’t tell us to care for our souls; our preschoolers don’t encourage us to make sure we get a good night’s sleep. No one holds us accountable to put self-care on our schedule. The choice to prioritize healthy self-care is generally a very private one, and the practice of it can feel lonely at times.

4) We Don’t Know What to Do

Even if we want to make self-care a priority in our busy lives, we still might have a problem — we just don’t know what healthy self-care looks like! Most of us didn’t grow up in a culture where attention to the needs of one’s soul was modeled for us, so we aren’t really sure what it involves.

How can we care for our souls? What does healthy, unselfish self-care actually look like? What are some practical tips for developing the ability to practice good self-care? These are questions we will address in this series on self-care.

My hope is that by addressing these obstacles and discussing the importance of self-care, we will feel empowered and inspired to take care of our souls, to make time in our busy schedules to practice healthy self-care, for our own benefit and the benefit of those around us.

The post The Importance of Self-Care appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

Fathers, mothers, singles and ministry leaders are all susceptible to burning out.  Some of us get so focused on our jobs we neglect our family, friends and even our own wellbeing. We can get so involved in serving everyone else that we crash and burn. We need space.

The flip side isn’t healthy either.  If all of us are just sitting around doing nothing, “rusting out,” what’s going to be accomplished? Where is the meaning in life? We can be so easily pulled in either direction.

God wants us in the game. He calls us to a life of service. Matthew 20:26 tells us if we want to be great in God’s kingdom we must become a servant. Service isn’t a season but a lifestyle.  But how do we avoid burning out?  In my last post we began the discussion of balancing the demands of ministry and life. In that post I reminded us that Jesus had boundaries.  He took time to rest and get away. Without rest, the demands in life can overwhelm us and render us ineffective and burned out.

In my last post I gave you some questions that would help you take an honest inventory of your life.  (See Balancing the Demands of Ministry)  The next step is getting some honest feedback.  First I will address those of you who are married and then those of you who are single.

For Those Who Are Married

When spending long hours climbing the corporate ladder, serving the community or the church, it is easy to lose sight of how our actions impact our families.  We convince ourselves we are doing this for them.  We think, “I may be sacrificing my time with my family, but it is for a good cause.” Too many marriages and families fall apart because we are doing too much of a good thing.  We are so busy that we have no time or energy for our families.

As a pastor, ministry never ends.  There is always someone else to counsel, sermons to prepare, and programs to run.  After seeing so many marriages implode, I employed some simple ideas to help me stay more balanced.  I asked my wife: How am I doing?  Am I giving you enough time?  How about the kids?  Am I giving them enough time?  I gave her the freedom to speak up at any time she felt I was spending too much time away from her or the family.

As my kids got older I checked in with them.  I didn’t want to be an absentee father.  When I knew a busy season was coming, we would talk about it. I became more aware of  how my choices impact my loved ones. These simple conversations built trust and helped my family know that I care about them. These conversations helped me to know when to say no.

One of the qualifications of a pastor is one who manages his household well (1 Tim. 3:4, 5).  That is a qualification that often gets overlooked – but that is a discussion for a different day. The point is that I need to see my family as my first area of ministry. If I don’t prioritize them the rest of my ministry will crumble.

For Those Who Are Single

When you are single there are so many things you can do.  You don’t have a spouse asking you to slow down.  When I have talked to singles, they share how they see life as their oyster and they live it to the fullest, only to find out they too have limitations.  Some of them feel like they are on a merry-go-round and can’t get off.  They come to me burned out and exhausted. After taking time to listen and ask questions, I encourage them to find a mentor or accountability group who knows them and their schedule. This needs to be an individual or a group who is safe. Someone who will listen and graciously speak into your life.  Someone who will ask questions to help you think, not necessarily tell you how to live.

God doesn’t want us to rust out or burn out. He wants us to stay in the game.  It starts with personal reflection on how we are managing life’s demands and then moves to feedback and accountability. We all need a small community to help us stay in the game.

The post Burn Out, Rust Out, or Stay in the Game appeared first on Restore & Rebuild Ministries.

I quickly found out that ministry wasn’t as easy or as glamorous as I thought. That first summer, as an intern, a student drowned at one of our retreats. I can remember sitting in the hospital room with the brother of the student who just died. I thought, “Why did the youth pastor choose me to be here with the brother?” I felt so inadequate. Youth ministry is supposed to be about leading kids to Christ, discipling them and having fun. Yet here I was dealing with a tragedy.  I learned that ministry was less about fun and more about walking with people through life, both the highs and lows.

I have been involved in ministry for over thirty years. The demands of dealing with death, illness, counseling, weddings, sermon prep, programs, ministry leaders, etc. can be overwhelming. I have watched the tide of passion for ministry turn quickly, not only in my life, but also in the lives of many others.  The Schaffer Institute reports that fifty percent of those who graduate from seminary will be out of ministry in five years and only ten percent will finish their careers in some form of ministry.  Those numbers are staggering. Many pastors become burned out, hurt, disillusioned, experience moral failure or succumb to compassion fatigue.

In this blog post I want to address one of these issues – balancing the demands of ministry. These demands or expectations can be both internal and external. Internally we see the needs of our congregation and community and often feel obligated to meet them. We feel the external pressure to be at every church event, talk to every hurting family, plan dynamic programs that will draw in the masses and change lives. What about our spouses, family and friends? They need time with us. Very quickly we can find ourselves burning the candle at both ends.

But isn’t that what ministry leaders are supposed to do? Over the years I have watched too many ministry leaders feel overwhelmed and give up. Their marriages fall apart. Their families feel neglected and resentful, often becoming dysfunctional.

How do you say no to ministry opportunities? How do you create healthy boundaries? Or should you?

Jesus had boundaries. Jesus frequently carved out time in his busy schedule to get away to be with his heavenly Father.  On one occasion the disciples were searching for Jesus and told him, “Everyone is looking for you.” The Greek word that is translated “search” actually means, “to hunt down, track, or pursue with hostile intent.” Needless to say the disciples were not happy with Jesus. After all, there were people to meet and minister to. But Jesus knew he needed time away and he took it.

If the Savior of the world needed boundaries, how much more do we? We need to start by evaluating the way we spend our time. Here are a few questions to reflect on:

• How is my personal time with God in prayer and Bible study?
• How am I carving out time for my wife? Family? Friends?
• Am I taking days off? What am I doing to feel refreshed on those days?
• How is my health? Am I eating healthy foods? Am I getting exercise?
• How am I investing in my education and personal growth?
• Am I taking time to evaluate and dream about ministry?

In future posts we will tackle some of these areas more specifically. If you are feeling overwhelmed or in need of some encouragement, feel free to contact me. I would love to walk with you and support you as we seek to serve our Savior.

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